Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Are little lies red flags for future bigger ones?

(21 Posts)
AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Tue 09-Jul-13 23:57:17

I'm chatting to someone I reconnected with via a dating site and they said the other day that they are no longer using it. Except I've checked (I'm a bit suspicious because of the ex), and he's been on every day. He's lying. I don't care that he's been on, not the issue at all since all we are doing is chatting. I just don't get why he's lying to me and saying he isn't going on it anymore when he is.

Is lying about something so meaningless a red flag? In wary of lies because my ex lied about his job, family, home, everything.

Zynnia Tue 09-Jul-13 23:59:29

Are you in a relationship with him, or did you meet up with and get chatting to a friend on a dating site by chance. He doesn't owe you full disclosure if he's a friend. He might be embarrassed. But if it feels like the beginning of a relationship to you, he's still shopping around.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 10-Jul-13 00:00:12

Stay well clear. It won't get better - he doesn't even need to lie and he is lying. voice of bitter experience

NoisesOff Wed 10-Jul-13 00:00:27

Yes, yes, yes, this isn't good. Be careful.

LeaveTheBastid Wed 10-Jul-13 00:00:32

Well, could be yes. But then checking up on someone you've only just got back in touch with is also a red flag. I understand you're wary, but don't tar everyone with the same brush. Assuming the worst in everyone is a very sad way to live.

MmeLindor Wed 10-Jul-13 00:03:03

I would be wary of someone who lied about something so innocuous, and which could be checked easily.

pictish Wed 10-Jul-13 00:03:43

Yes, is the short and painless answer to that.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Wed 10-Jul-13 00:05:37

leave, I know its not right to tar anyone with the same brush but if it stops me getting sucked in by another abuser, its worth it.

zynnia, I do think that's the way it felt it was heading. He specifically said he wouldn't be using it anymore as after we had reconnected, he felt like he didnt need to look anymore. Which reading back sounds even more gameplayerish <face palm at self>

Thanks everyone for the quick replies. I think I knew that deep down it was a bad sign sad what a shame!

wordyBird Wed 10-Jul-13 00:06:38

Yes, because why bother lying in this instance?
Lying about meaningless things is a big waving red flag.

wordyBird Wed 10-Jul-13 00:11:23

X post... your bs detector is working very well! Good for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 07:21:04

Lying is a pretty poor character trait. Whether it's an official 'red flag' or not is fairly immaterial. If you already don't trust this person (of if you get any other bad feeling about them) then that's reason enough not to take things any further. I once turned down a date with a man I met because he fastidiously arranged some things on the table in front of him a bit too precisely IYKWIM... smile Keep trusting your judgement!

AnyFucker Wed 10-Jul-13 07:27:08

This isn't a lie about something "meaningless" is it ?

It's a very specific untruth, designed to hoodwink you.

Nothing "meaningless" about that. And yes, it's a poor indicator of future honesty.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 10-Jul-13 07:28:15

So what happens now - are you going to 'make your excuses and leave the conversation', and/or tell him why? As said up thread, it's not the fact that he still has his hand in the sweetie jar - it's the fact that he's pretending to you that he hasn't. Truthfulness and he seem unlikely to suddenly become bedfellows.

akaWisey Wed 10-Jul-13 07:59:00

Red flag, small or big, lies are always meaningful.

Viking1 Wed 10-Jul-13 08:03:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Wed 10-Jul-13 10:01:30

Thank you all smile I had a good think last night and there's loads more other things that have all added up to make it even clearer that he's all bs. Just stuff like saying all the things he thinks I want to hear like he's got a little romance guide book in front of him. And sometimes he brings things up into conversation (like news topics or opinion things), and when I don't react the way he expected me to (like I don't agree with his opinion or act pleased with his opinion), he gets sulky or tries to play down my opinion. Its definitely got that feeling of wanting a "little woman" who will agree with everything he says. So in a way now I'm glad he lied because it got me to have a closer look at the rest of it and realise he is not good for me. Now hopefully next time this happens, I'd notice that stuff on its own and not need a lie to trigger me to look at it properly. I think I get swept away a bit so need to put a stop to that!

I've decided I won't confront him because I'm sure it will get flipped onto me and I'll be made the awful one for looking to see if he still went on the site. I'll save my sanity on that one and just cut contact. Thanks again everyone!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 10:29:40

The only thing you need to look at properly is your reaction. If you are at all uncomfortable or unsure about someone, even if you can't put your finger on the reason or it feels downright irrational, then trust that your subconscious has spotted something dodgy and ditch.... Always. Don't waste time hunting down evidence to confirm your suspicions.. There doesn't even have to be 'stuff'. That you're suspicious or unsure is all the justification you need.

AnyFucker Wed 10-Jul-13 17:20:19

Good call smile

BalloonSlayer Wed 10-Jul-13 17:30:44

I don't get why "not being on a dating site any more" is being treated as a meaningless, little, innocuous, lie by you and a lot of other posters on here, when it is someone in whom you are exploring a romantic interest.

It is an extremely relevant lie at this point in your friendship.

But then I come from a generation when you assumed that you were exclusive as a couple after the first date, and "two-timing" was deeply frowned upon. I am still vastly perplexed at the Treaty of Versailles-type discussions and negotiations people today seem today to have about perhaps exploring the possibility of exclusiveness after they have been shagging for 6 months and are thinking about getting a house together.

AllegraLilac Fri 12-Jul-13 23:08:22

This happens to me. I'm not using dating websites anymore, but when I get a notification I click on my phone to make it go away. That registers as going online. Should delete the accounts really.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sat 13-Jul-13 20:16:28

Lies are horrible, it won't get better, it starts with small lies then they think they can lie about everything and anything and they do it to your face too. Don't stay with a liar - I did, found out the hard way and it hurtssad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now