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Why do they do it? And why do women get involved when they know there are children going to be hurt?

(174 Posts)
InTheRedCorner Tue 09-Jul-13 21:46:23

I just don't understand why anyone would do it to the children.

No one is forced to get involved, why not walk away, not answer the text, reply to the email, respond to the flirty look or comment.

My poor girls are finally asleep but still hicuping and so so sad.

I know 100% that the blame lies solely at his door but I just don't get it from the other females point of view, she knew he had us, she must have realised I had married a wanker but why allow herself to get involved, what about the children?

You may be able to tell that I'm raw and hurting this evening and I may well regret posting this but it's all so fucking lonely and such a waste of my life.

Mixxy Tue 09-Jul-13 23:14:07

I know I should be laughing but "I'm sure she was fed a bag of shite by H" made me burst out laughing at the laundromat.

InTheRedCorner Tue 09-Jul-13 23:17:35

chipping Saturday morning just gone I have another place here recently if you know what i mean but needed more tonight because ive been living off the adrenalin and now it's running out.

I hate him but I hate all the women out there that have an ego larger than their morals.

I can't even watch BB ffs

ChippingInGoAndyGo Tue 09-Jul-13 23:19:02

What's the worst of what you have read?

Mixxy Tue 09-Jul-13 23:19:19

He deleted them from your inbox!?! Oh he is in denial or trying to confuse you, paint you as a crazy.

You can recover deleted emails, just so you know. Contact gmail, yahoo or whatevers customer service and give them the dates you want resent to you.

InTheRedCorner Tue 09-Jul-13 23:19:22

I'm laughing at should instead of shouldn't now Mixxy!

It's 11pm here and a laundrette... grin

InTheRedCorner Tue 09-Jul-13 23:21:48

It's hotmail and I sent them in the early hours of sat night, 6th July?

Paint me as crazy is right, he has had be deranged for years because of his behaviour.

ChippingInGoAndyGo Tue 09-Jul-13 23:22:24

Yes - I know where you mean. It's great but the traffic volume is low.

Adrenalin definitely helps while it lasts, but it's a cow when it runs out sad

I can't even watch BB ffs

Oh - so some good HAS come out of it grin

FrancescaBell Tue 09-Jul-13 23:23:52

Wouldn't it be more of an ego boost though to have a single man want a relationship with you, instead of just wanting you for top-ups to his ego? How is that flattering?

I don't understand why some women do this either.

akaWisey Tue 09-Jul-13 23:23:58

It happened to me too red. My marriage and our family were everything to me.

I don't know why he did it, I don't know why she did. These are the questions only they could answer. My guess is that because he knew me better than anyone else on the planet he only told her the bad bits (once he'd had to confess to her that he was actually still married and living with me 'as if' things were normal) and she, once heavily emotionally involved, couldn't put herself in my position even though she had her own children.

I also guess she gave him an ultimatum and he must have felt he'd driven me so far to the edge of insanity (gas lighting and all) that he couldn't just back out. They are still together and I also guess that the huge financial, emotional, psychological cost of tearing apart a family must to some extent drive them both to make it work. That and all the bollocks about being 'soul mates' of course.

I don't torture myself too much any more. What he did was unforgivable to me, she was a bit part player and it doesn't matter. He is who he is and I don't doubt for a minute that he lies to her just as he lied to me. Indeed, my eldest DS saw him walking along with a (very attractive) woman only weeks ago who definitely is not OW - ex told DS "she's a colleague" - yeah and I'm the Queen. OW lives 100 miles away so she can't keep tabs on him. She's welcome to what was my world.

So please try and stop torturing yourself about the why's. There won't be any one reason but a set of circumstances, opportunity, inclination and selfish motives for what has happened and none of it was your fault.

And you will feel better but it takes time and resilience and the ability to separate yourself from them, all of which will grow as you make a life with your DC's .

Really sorry this happened to you too.

InTheRedCorner Tue 09-Jul-13 23:25:31

Top of my head chipping I know you on here?

Her: you text me first, do you remember being dragged into the toilet.

Him : lots of hello first emails, have you missed me.

Her: you have been quiet, everything ok at home.

Him: ok apart from my thoughts

Them, you text me first, missing me, thinking all day...

All emotional to me but enough with everything else.

ChippingInGoAndyGo Tue 09-Jul-13 23:30:56

FrancescaBell - no, I don't think they would see it as a bigger ego boost to be wanted by a single man. With a married man there is that 'I'm better than his wife, than his family' - better than something, with a single man they are simply better than being single.

Mixxy Tue 09-Jul-13 23:32:39

Haha! Of course I meant 'shouldn't be laughing'! Its like 100 degrees here and my washer dryer goes on the fritz. Sweaty fingers in the laundromat. Used to call them laundrettes when I lived other side of the pond. Always reminds me of Dot Cotton. But you have to pick up the slang over here!

I would retrieve those emails if I were you. I once highlighted a group of emails to move to a folder but deleted them by accident (brainy) and customer serviceresent them to me the next day. Just email them.

InTheRedCorner Tue 09-Jul-13 23:34:01

Massive ex post with aka I'm in tears and going to bed, I will read again in the morning.

I can't read your whole post tonight aka because I'm having a pity me party but once I've had a shower and washed my new haircut in the morning and taken our DC t school and sorted works out and ignored him, her and all else I will read, thank you so much for sharing.

He always hated me being on here and I don't care if he googles some random fact and finds me because I GET MORE FROM MN THAN YOU EVER GAVE ME.

ChippingInGoAndyGo Tue 09-Jul-13 23:40:54

AkaWisey - is that 'you', my old friend??? If so, PM me smile

Red - good idea to go to bed, try to get some sleep if you can night nurse if you have any.

Uber twat if he cyber stalks you on top of what he's already done. Git.

If this is the kind of 'man' he is, you are far better off without him - even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

akaWisey Tue 09-Jul-13 23:41:54

Pity parties are good red, indulge as much as you need to for now.

akaWisey Tue 09-Jul-13 23:43:53

Yes Chipping it's me!!!!! Will PM you.

InTheRedCorner Wed 10-Jul-13 00:00:41

Aww reunion on my thread x

Night night

FrancescaBell Wed 10-Jul-13 01:06:40

I wouldn't look at it like that though, Chipping.

Better than his wife and family? Why would anyone think that if he wants his wife and his family as well - for the long term I mean?

Surely it's just temporarily as well as a wife and family?

Not in preference to them?

I know a lot of these men who get kicked out when their cheating's discovered lie to the other woman that they left of their own accord and I suppose then she might think she's 'better' than his wife because she believes wrongly that he made a choice of her, over his wife and family.

But for an affair that's running alongside the marriage? No, I can't see how any other woman would think she's better in that situation.

She's just 'there and available' isn't she?

I still can't see how playing second fiddle to the main event could ever be more of an ego boost than being someone's first and only choice.

Mixxy Wed 10-Jul-13 01:09:16

They all buy the "only staying for the kids line".

FrancescaBell Wed 10-Jul-13 01:17:04

Some do, I'm sure. In fact I once knew a few who bought that line.

But I also once knew a few who didn't even say that. They were quite open this was just a roll in the hay and a bit of fun - at the start at least. They only started hauling in the Big Guns about loving the extra woman if they thought she was going to pull the plug or worse still blow the lid off the affair. The words 'I love you' seemed to buy more time and they certainly bought compliance and discretion. Twas only words though.

Mixxy Wed 10-Jul-13 01:32:42

Also, some women are very, very, very stupid. Dont count that out as a factor!

NotReallyFunctioning Wed 10-Jul-13 06:09:51

so sorry that you are going through this - not many wise words as I am in same situation. I found out 10 weeks ago.

My adrenaline has run out too - if you know where I can find it I would like some back!

I can sympathise so much with you as I am in a pity party today. I wish I could just curl up in a ball and make the world go away sad

I do not get how anyone cheats but that is because I am not a selfish person who thinks with their own needs above all else. The OW in my case was married too with 2 kids same age as ours - her daughter even came out with us on my daughter's special birthday day out all whilst affair was going on! I find it all so dreadfully sad that for them some exciting, illicit sex came above their kids' futures.

All I can say is that people tell me it will get easier with time and that you should use any support you can right now.

Hope you got some rest.

AuntieStella Wed 10-Jul-13 06:48:33

I have no idea why someone would do it.

And of course this isn't an either/or situation when you look at responsibility. The betrayal is totally the fault of the unfaithful partner, but that does not make the OW/OM's choices acceptable or moral, or even neutral.

And though the OM/OW has no place to be anywhere near heartbroken children, I do wonder what impact it would have if they really saw that pain.

OP: unfair as it is, you are your DC's rock, and I wish you well.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Jul-13 06:48:53

My OW was an old friend of ours hmm

FFS, she saw us get married & knew our DC. We even had get togethers with our DC during the affair!!

I tried to understand her motivations but realised I didn't want to give her headspace and stopped focusing on her.

InTheRedCorner Wed 10-Jul-13 07:06:58

Thank you all for sharing I wish I could say I feel better this morning but I don't, I can't imagine 10 weeks of this pain.

We will all get to that better place we are told about, friends through DC are finding out and come to help me stay strong.

I'm a private person but for the sake of the SC I'm going to accept their help.

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