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make my dh understand i am DONE with his family

(25 Posts)
CookieDoughKid Tue 09-Jul-13 20:59:07

Spent an hour ranting why I dislike and also hate DH's side of the family in couples counselling today. One hour was just not enough. I can rant for bloody hours. All of them. I don't want to any of them. I don't care and I don't want them visiting or staying over. Why should I be hostess and put effort if they have clearly demonstrated on numerous occasions they can't be bothered with me?

I just don't want them in my life and I Cate barely tolerate them in my dcs lives too.

I'm not going to go into the why's. Suffice to say they cause me deep distress and just hearing their names make me want to throw up.

Its 90% the reason why I split from dH before. We're trying again to make it work. Especially for our dC's.

I would like to hear your experiences on how you deal with toxic family because I just want DH to understand. Do you know what it feels like?

CookieDoughKid Tue 09-Jul-13 21:00:40

Apologies bad spelling...on mobile device. Rant over! Grrr

FattyMcChubster Tue 09-Jul-13 21:05:01

No advice but bumping for you as I feel EXACTLY the same about dps family.
I've never felt such angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry towards anyone.
Maye this could be our ranting thread? No judging just a safe place to get it all out?

SlimePrincess Tue 09-Jul-13 21:08:35

I went through years of crap with my ILs. In the end I said to DH that I wouldn't have anything else to do with them because I couldn't take anymore. I avoid talking about them with DH as well because they make me so angry.

Cailinsalach Tue 09-Jul-13 21:10:36

I feel your pain OP. I feel your pain.

My ex's sisters and brother are awful. I hates em, I do. I could spend a week listing all their transgressions but instead I made a decision to not engage any further. My sons, now adult, can choose to see them if they wish. I know they are facebook friends with their cousins. Me, nada. No way. Never.

Cakebitch Tue 09-Jul-13 21:28:31

Same here. all of it.

FattyMcChubster Tue 09-Jul-13 21:50:39

Can I just ask (sorry for the hijack) do you all still let the dc have interactions with dhs family? Even if things are really bad?

LunaticFringe Tue 09-Jul-13 22:03:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerylStreep Tue 09-Jul-13 22:06:39

It isn't doing you any good though being angry about it. It must be eating you up.

Do you have to have them in your lives? Are there alternatives, such as DH visiting them, instead of them coming to you?

CookieDoughKid Tue 09-Jul-13 22:25:01

Thanks for bringing that up fattymcchubster. I for one, have let contact die down. That's been very very easy actually. My DH's family live within a 15mile radius, some much closer than that and judging by the effort they put in to see my dc's it's been minimal EXACTLY TWICE THIS 2013 they've seen my DC's upon MY explicit invite for DC's birthdays. I regret actually cos my DC's birthday's enjoyment for me were marred. Yes, DC's were none the wiser obviously, but I of course, unselfishly did what any normal sane, considerate mother would do - invite them. I'm not going to do that again I've decided

I've now decided they can have all their contact with my DC's via DH (which is going to be even more minimal because DH on the whole, can be a lazy arse anyway.

I'm telling it how it is in my counselling:
Just because they are family by name does not mean we are friends or acquaintances even.

And I will be damned if I will continue the fake small talk/fake smiles/fake "keeping up appearances" with them because you know what? Everyone seens through the fake/feigned smiles. It's uncomfortable for everyone and no-body actually cares.

Thus far, for me - keeping contact has caused me: PAIN. GUILT. STRESS. ILLNESS. ANGER. ENERGY SPENT TYPING HERE WHEN I NEED REST.

I CANNOT BE ARSED ANYMORE. I DON'T CARE. THEY DON'T CARE. AND if I never ever ever see them alive again - my god, I would be so grateful.

Perhaps for my DH - it might be too much. Perhaps we haven't got a future. Again. I'm going to write this again. I DON'T CARE. So if DH can't deal with this dealbreaker, we haven't got a future because I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM.

MalcolmTuckersMum Tue 09-Jul-13 22:29:25

Goodness Cookie - you DO feel strongly about this don't you grin! Obviously don't know the ins and outs but it sounds to me as though if something causes you this level of distress then your DH has a duty to alleviate that distress in any way he can. Is he willing to do that?

CookieDoughKid Tue 09-Jul-13 22:36:57

Malcolm Thanks for responding. Sorry Mumsnetter's you have to read all of this I've written thus far. Fortunately I have more counselling this week. Should be a good topic again. LOL. Hopefully we can move forward and DH realises he does, in fact, have a level of duty to alleviate my distress. Thanks for pointing that out!! Need some wine now folks.....

iluvsummer Tue 09-Jul-13 22:45:32

I feel the exact same about my pil they are the most toxic waste of space I've ever had the misfortune to come across! I am fortunate that my dh is starting to see what they are like and his exact words are they will not be getting their claws into our son! The best advice I was given is to live life well and not engage with them...I've done just this and the last year without contact has been blissful they haven't seen me or our ds! Ds doesn't know who they are as they make not effort to see him even though we live 5 mins away!

FattyMcChubster Wed 10-Jul-13 08:35:59

Cookie, there's always someone on here to listen if you need it!

I've honestly never felt this much hatred towards people. I have nothing to do with them and DP takes dc if needs be.
I'm just worried at the moment as we've an event for dc coming up to which they're invited and I'm not sure how I'll cope. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. When I see them it's like the red mist descends. I feel sick, shake and panic. Any ideas how to control this? I never realised my feelings would have such a physical effect.

CookieDoughKid Wed 10-Jul-13 11:20:59

FattyMc Did you have to invite them? Why? Couldn't your DP organise a separate event for his delightful family?

BerylStreep Wed 10-Jul-13 11:39:37

Cookie, I found DH's siblings extremely difficult for the first few years. He didn't really acknowledge it, and I was forced to go along to family events (of which there seemed to be many), and it only served to make me even more anxious and upset by the whole issue. Eventually DH realised how destructive the whole dynamic was (don't get me started about how annoyed I was that it had taken him so long), and I went more or less no contact.

It was great, and you know what? Now, I occasionally see them, and it's fine. I don't really know what went on in their minds, but they are now pleasant to be with, and I only see them a handful of times a year. Once the stress and obligation were removed, it reduced my stress levels so much.

I'm not saying you will ever get to a stage where you are comfortable around them, but your hatred and anguish is coming through loud and clear - you have to break away from this contact, as it is doing you no good. Your DH needs to support you in that.

EldritchCleavage Wed 10-Jul-13 15:38:55

My situation is a bit different: I loathe my FIL and SIL (MIL was better,, but she died) because of how they treat my DH, not me. They are awful to him. He has no contact now, thank goodness.

But I do understand the depth of the rage. I used to think I would happily impale SIL on a stick and barbecue her to death for how she treated my DH.

Jan45 Wed 10-Jul-13 16:00:24

Your OH will just have to accept it, he can still see his family, it's not what he wants no but he must put YOU first.

Trinpy Wed 10-Jul-13 16:38:09

I am in a similar situation, but after the last time we went to visit them I told dh I was finding the visits stressful and upsetting. I told him I felt miserable every day I spent with them and so I would no longer be coming with him to visit them. It took him a while to realise I was serious but I told him I couldn't sit back and watch as they treated us like dirt and equally I wouldn't be drawn into a fight with them. It was such a relief to know I never had to pretend to like these nasty people ever again. Soon after I said this, dh finally got the courage to stop speaking to them as well. It's been 6 weeks now and they haven't tried to contact us.

We've discussed what we will do when we have children and my opinion is that if they can't treat their own son with love and respect, why would it be any different with their grandchildren? For the moment dh is agreeing with me, though this may change when we actually have kids.

I don't know whether you've read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward, but I've found it quite helpful. The only downside to the book is it seems assume that some contact with in laws should be the goal. I don't think that's always for the best though.

FattyMcChubster Wed 10-Jul-13 16:49:19

Cookie, I've not invited them to previous events and all hell has broken loose so this time I'm not inviting them, DP is hmm and I don't really get a say.
If I'm honest, it's breaking us apart but unless I back down I can't see it being resolved so I just have to put up and shut up and everyone else gets to be happy sad

Warbride Wed 10-Jul-13 17:32:55

You are not alone. I haven't spoken to FIL for nearly 4 years. Due to various poison filled episodes.
His mother I can barely stand, tolerate it because he puts her before me.

I have always been made to feel like I am not good enough.
I cut all ties with his fathers family (PIL are divorced, surprise surprise) I avoid his mother unless I actually have to see her. (Christmas she spends with us as she is alone and drives me fecking mad). I support you 100 percent.

forgetmenots Wed 10-Jul-13 17:44:59

Same here eldritch sad

Hope the counselling is helping OP. what is your dh's point on this? Would he be ok to see them without you? My DH did this for a while, he is now also nc

MoreBeta Wed 10-Jul-13 17:45:08

Cookie - you did the right thing. I am in the position of your DH and my DW is in your position.

This thread has been comforting and reassuring for me to read. Last week I finally broke off contact with my father after 49 years. I just can't take it anymore. In fact, I felt really happy once I had got through the initial trauma of telling him I no longer want any contact. I had tried minimising contact to twice a year and occasional phone calls but it didn't work.

My mother I would like to keep contact with but she will not do anything without permission from my father. It was beginning to impact my children and I will not tolerate that.

I will not go into details but it really is hard to believe that someone who you should love and be loved by can be so manipulative and uncaring.

redrubyshoes Wed 10-Jul-13 17:55:44

Just using your post to let off a little steam so sorry op!

My PIL's are lovely, kind, wonderful and generous people. BUT their house is a dump and it is getting worse. PIL looks like a tramp. I nearly threw up the last time I visited when I went into the kitchen, it was disgustingly filthy. When I go to the loo I wash my hands and wipe them on the back of my jeans rather than use the stinking, blackened greasy towel that is in there.

Eating there is a total trial for me.

They are VERY well off financially so there is no excuse really. sad

And NO they will not visit us or their other DC's. We all have to go to them. Always.

Rant over.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 11-Jul-13 15:25:50

Thanks for the thread from here too, CookieDough.
I'm sorry that you got stuck with a crap inlaw family. It is liberating to just not care anymore. I hope that you can find a way to let go of the anger some day and treat the thought of them as "common and indifferent acquaintences", and hopefully keep the physical exposure to a bare minimum. Counseling will help, I'm glad you have that support.

Plan on something special for yourself after contact as a clensing detoxification process which helps put recent negativities in the history book immediately and poof , forgotten. It takes some practice but helps dump the stew pot, iykwim. I had a freight train of stew pots I finally left on a remote siding...probably still there, but I dont care.

I have come to look at my inlaw group as an organism unto themselves, of which I will never be a part. I used to be sad about it, but as time has moved on (married 23 years) I am relieved by it. It is a study in dysfunction. Dh knows it.

I promissed dh I would go with him next month just to help him drive and support him as the visits are stressful for him (his folks are getting very old -mine have already passed). But I believe I will be writing a screenplay that week as well....wink I crossstitch innocent Christmas ornaments. Yet, I do dread it.

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