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How do you compromise on baby names?

(139 Posts)
BraveLilBear Tue 09-Jul-13 13:25:37

Hello - I'm looking for some un-hormonally fuelled perspective please!

We're still undecided on my/our first child's name (DP has 11yo son already), and at 38 weeks plus twinges, time is running out. My DP has set his heart on a particular name for a boy. It's old English and means 'intelligent', but is more commonly known as a surname, or a place name in the USA and in the north of England.

It doesn't feel right to me at all, and given that DP is also refusing to let baby have my surname as an additional middle name (tho has conceded to let it have one of my family first names as a middle name), it just doesn't feel right to me at all - I imagined going to the doctors and having my child's name called and it would feel like it wasn't my child.

The name is ok, but I think it sounds a bit daft and is too 'big' a name to hang on a newborn who has to get through primary and secondary school intact. If it wanted to be a lawyer, journalist, doctor etc it would sound great, but I worry it'll have a negative experience in childhood that would stop it wanting to achieve IYSWIM.

Thing is, DP is exceptionally stubborn and is also very selfish. I can't use the name here because he'll be able to ID me.

Every alternative I suggest, he hates, or at least says he does.

It's getting to the point now that I'm dreading my child being a boy - because I don't want the fight that will be inevitable.

I absolutely love the name we have in mind for a girl - now he's saying he'll only 'let me' name her that if I agree to the boy's name he likes.


CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Jul-13 13:29:41

Sorry, can't help you. I told everyone what DS's name was - his Dad included - and that was the end of the conversation.

tigerellatomato Tue 09-Jul-13 13:35:07

This is ridiculous. You can't give your child a name one of your hates. This is for life - s/he isn't a puppy! You asked how you compromise - you choose a name BOTH of you like. I do know someone who announced the name of her son, then changed his name within the week as she just couldn't get used to it - and this was a name she liked. I suppose what I'm saying is that if you really hate this name, you probably will never like it, so act now and act decisively.

Boosterseat Tue 09-Jul-13 13:40:21

I was going to say can you compromise as a middle name but as you described him as stubborn and selfish hmm

Tell him you hate the name, and it’s not going to happen.

"let you" fuck that - who the hell does he think he is?

Sorry he sounds like a cock and that you have bigger issues than the name here

Agree with Cognito - I carried him for 9 months and had a hell of a job getting him into the world, there is no one on earth that could have forced me to pick a name i didn’t want.

In fact, i would be inclined to pick something he hated just to really piss him off but then again I have been described as confrontational once or twice.

Congratulations on the pregnancy .

youaintallthat Tue 09-Jul-13 13:43:49

Sorry but I'd tell him you choose a name you equally like or you'll pick one it and register ds yourself. If my hubby had tried to bully me into giving our dc a name he knew I hated of have told him where to go.
As it happens we couldn't decide on a name we both liked for ages months on end then sh suggested one I'd have never thought of and I instantly loved it.
My ds also had my maiden name as middle. This is both your baby why does you dp get to dictate everything?

EachAndEveryHighway Tue 09-Jul-13 13:43:52

With the help of google, I think I've worked out what name you mean ... and I agree with you - I would hate my child to be called it. Personally, given that he is your 'DP' not your 'DH' I would inform him that the baby will have YOUR surname not his (even if you don't mind him/her having DP's surname) as it will form a basis for meaningful negotiation, i.e. you are prepared to compromise on the surname if he is prepared to compromise on the first name.

He sounds like a controlling arse tbh

themaltesecat Tue 09-Jul-13 13:45:44

Mothers definitely have naming rights.

Tell the prick to wind his neck in. Note, even if the sneaky bastard did go and register his awful name while you were laid up in hospital, you have up to a year to change it to something else.

What's the name? Ethelred?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 09-Jul-13 13:47:28

Umm he sounds domineering OP. Has he laid down the law about other things?

themaltesecat Tue 09-Jul-13 13:47:35

EachandEvery is right. The presumption is that the baby will carry your surname if you are unmarried. That would be my starting point in "negotiations." I don't negotiate with twats, though.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Tue 09-Jul-13 13:48:42

I think you've got bigger problems than the naming.

BaronessBomburst Tue 09-Jul-13 14:04:24

Oh bloody hell! I've found it by googling too. No way!

I agree with all the other posters. Tell him that the baby will be taking your surname - and then actually do it. Do you want the baby to have a different name to you?

SJisontheway Tue 09-Jul-13 14:07:14

Put your foot down. Tell him you will not under any circumstances be giving the baby a name you hate. Start again. Draw up a list each and see if there is a name you can both agree on. He does sound like an arse.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 14:15:08

OP, he sounds really horrible.

You are the baby's mother and you are not married to the baby's father, so actually he has no right to choose the surname never mind the first name.

Does he have grandiose leanings otherwise?

Is he a bully?

Is he the love of your life?

MysteriousHamster Tue 09-Jul-13 14:17:20

Why does he get to be in charge of whose surnames go to the baby and in what position etc? You're not married and he's not trying to compromise at all.

You find a name you both like or tell him the baby will have your surname. Otherwise, if you never get married, you will never have the same name as your child.

My not-quite-sisterin-law gave my niece my brother's surname so they'd all have the same name one day - after getting married. Six years later, they're together, but still not married and about to have another child, which also won't get her name.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 14:18:21

Can someone please PM me the name?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 09-Jul-13 14:18:22

Once the name as well goes on the birth certificate, that detail cannot be changed.

You describe your man as both stubborn and selfish; I daresay he is the same in all the other areas of your relationship as well. The name he is suggesting is downright cruel actually to inflict on a child in any case; your man is a bully exerting power and control here.

I did wonder why on earth are you together at all?. This is the undermining thought I had when reading your post, the name he wants is just the tip of a bloody big iceberg.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 14:19:03

OP, just out of interest, is he reluctant to get married?

MarianneBrandon Tue 09-Jul-13 14:23:05

I have also looked on Google and I think the name would be okay for an adult but would be a big name for a baby and an embarrassment for a child in school.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 14:26:27

No. Just no.

EachAndEveryHighway Tue 09-Jul-13 14:26:30

Thinking about it, I agree with Baroness that the baby should have your surname full stop. If he argues that that's pointless because you will be getting married at some indeterminate point in the future, tell him that at that point the child's surname can easily be changed by deed poll.

I definitely wouldn't do it now though.

Is it just the name he's being an arse about, or is it a general thing?

Mixxy Tue 09-Jul-13 14:27:31

Father sounds like an arse. Not married? Call the baby whatever you like and give him your surname too.

If you want to comprimise tell him: your last name, my choice first name and middle name.

DontmindifIdo Tue 09-Jul-13 14:31:03

As you say DP not DH, have you pointed out that as an unmarried mother, only you get to register the baby so it's your choice that matters and you wo'nt be naming the DC that name so he's going to have to discuss other options with you. (perhaps give him a list of names you like and tell him he can pick from that)

But then, he sounds like a right wanker, is he like this with other stuff?

MysteriousHamster Tue 09-Jul-13 14:31:23

That little baby is not going to look like that name when he's born (if he's a he) - just found it.

How is the relationship generally, OP?

TurnipCake Tue 09-Jul-13 14:34:43

Your partner doesn't sound very nice, OP. Come hell or high water I certainly wouldn't be giving the baby his surname.

Mixxy Tue 09-Jul-13 14:37:53

Just googled the name. When I was in school we had a class pet, a bearded dragon, of the same name.

Put your foot down and we'll all pray for a girl.

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