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Abusive XP back in touch (child contact)

(37 Posts)
MindChanger Mon 08-Jul-13 20:59:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeGotTheKrunk Mon 08-Jul-13 21:19:45

i wants to know DC's name and DOB.

I'd be worried that if you gave him your DC's DOB, he could well use this information to stalk you - by getting information from birth registry or from other agencies like doctors, etc. Be really careful.

From what you've said it sounds like you're doing your child a favour by keeping their Dad out of their lives. Remind yourself that your doing it to keep your DC emotionally healthy. You already know what this man's capable of - you don't want him having any 'in' to abuse your child, also.

Your primary duty as mother is to keep your DC safe from any harm - and that's what you're doing by keeping them away from somebody who is a known abuser.

Must have been horrible to get this email though. You should go with your instinct to ignore him. (can you block his email address to stop him contacting you again?)

RandomMess Mon 08-Jul-13 21:22:36

I was thinking he wants that info to claim Child Benefit, housing benefit etc etc etc

I'd stay under the radar in that situation tbh.

PinkPlum Mon 08-Jul-13 21:23:28

I think you need to consider, most importantly, whether there is a risk of harm to you or your child. In my experience, biological father's who start out not wanting contact, just a few details, usually are not content with just that for long and start making demands about contact soon after. By giving him the info now it might simply get the process going.
U also need to think about what is best for the child. He/she must be about 3 now? Is he or she asking about the existence of a "daddy"? It's usually recommended that children know both parents in order to feel secure about their own identity. But obviously if you think he is dangerous then this certainly outweighs that need I think.
You need to do what you feel comfortable with. I think you shouldn't feel rushed into responding to this guy but very are fully consider your options.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Jul-13 21:24:54

I think any and all ideas of moral obligation on your part are obliterated by him being a dangerous and violent offender. i.e. you owe him nothing whatsoever. Further, I would pass the e-mail onto the police, get them to pay him a visit and warn him to stay well away. This is stalking behaviour and you can't take any chances. Then change your e-mail address.

Good luck

MindChanger Mon 08-Jul-13 21:34:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MindChanger Mon 08-Jul-13 21:36:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Mon 08-Jul-13 21:51:07

Do nothing love. You don't answer to him!

Your first job is to protect yourself and your baby.

You him nothing, not even a reply.

Hissy Mon 08-Jul-13 21:51:37

Meant to say... trust your instincts!

MindChanger Mon 08-Jul-13 22:03:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Mon 08-Jul-13 22:15:29

It's so easy to apply normal people rules to complete psychos, we all do it.

The fact that we always want to see the good in others means we have to keep reminding ourselves of their actions, and it flipping hurts to keep having to relive that.

If you can get yourself to truly believe that this was all his choice, and nothing to sdo with you.

Hissy Mon 08-Jul-13 22:16:55

The main thing is not to panic. You control your life now and who's in it.

Old thought patterns take a while to snap out of though!

Have you done any therapy?

ninani Mon 08-Jul-13 22:29:49

If your child is starting school he might also want to find the school s/he attends an try to pick up, kidnap, change schools or even befriend him/her and show how "good" he is hoping that he can be followed. I have read such stories here sad

MindChanger Mon 08-Jul-13 22:40:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 22:41:39

thanks for the link, glad I wasn't the only one that thought it was oddsmile

ModreB Mon 08-Jul-13 22:46:40

As the child in this situation, 40 years ago, I would always say "no father is better than a crap father" And I have 3 DS's with a brilliant relationship with my DH, so I obviously didn't reject positive father/DC relationship.

Your child will not benefit from a toxic relationship. I have seen both side and I know what I prefer. x

SolidGoldBrass Mon 08-Jul-13 22:47:40

Ignore ignore ignore. And when your DS starts asking, tell him the kindest, gentlest version of the truth you can: that some people are just not very good at being parents, and that you and your side of the family love DS very much.

It might be helpful to have a word with Women's Aid as well, there may be some additional legal protection you could put in place to keep this man at a distance if he does continue trying to track you down. You would certainly be able to insist (if he were to take it as far as going to court for contact) on supervised contact only, and make him jump through all sorts of hoops, which usually makes such men fuck off and leave you alone.

MindChanger Mon 08-Jul-13 22:56:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Jul-13 22:58:33

If it ever comes to legal proceedings it will go in your favour that you got the police to warn him off after receiving this unwanted communication. The bigger the folder they have on his activities, the better it plays out for you in the future. Disengage but record and report... record and report....

MindChanger Tue 09-Jul-13 06:17:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Tue 09-Jul-13 06:31:23

I know you're worried abput therapy, but this stuff won't go away by itself.

Even if you did just the freedom programme, it'd show you how this wasn't ever your fault, nor even about you at all!

These men are SO alike, it's somehow a comfort to know this, and to understand nothing you could ever have done would have changed anything.

You ARE fee now, and that's all that matters.

Try and do some counselling, it really will help you eliminate the vulnerabilities that exist, so that you won't have this happen to you again.

MindChanger Tue 09-Jul-13 07:35:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Jul-13 07:42:45

Counselling about your past could improve your confidence and help you better trust your judgement on things like this in future. It could also make you better able to advise your beautiful and wonderful DCs when they start embarking on adult relationships. Getting involved with someone else is always a risk whether you've had bad experiences or not. Learning what to look out for, both in yourself and others, either in intimate relationships or other social situations, can reduce the risk.

LJL69 Tue 09-Jul-13 10:56:28

Never feel bad for falling for it. These people can be so plausible. I would ignore email and change email address. BUT at some point when your DD is an adult she may wish to make contact and he will be equally plausible (poor me) with her. When you can bear it, write down all the things you remember of his awful behaviour and your feelings. You can give this to your daughter if and when she may need to see it. This could be in 20 years or never, but it being written now rather than you trying to summon up this info up in the future when you have buried it as best you can, may give it more gravitas.
I hope this makes sense - am not great at putting thoughts down but I hope you see what I mean

Hissy Tue 09-Jul-13 17:03:28

Dear God! Don't write it down and show your DD FGS! No need for that!

Better to Get therapy, and learn about what happened TO YOU (I have small issues with the 'falling for it' phraseology too)

This man is broken, he could fix himself, but only if HE wants/needs to. In any event, his life/behaviour are no longer any worry of yours.

The ONLY person that matters is YOU OP, and your DD. In that order mostly.

A strong, healthy, self confident mum will do more for HER self esteem, and be more protection for HER against a DV relationship than a scary list of stuff he did to someone else.

We need to lead our children by example. Accept only decent behaviour and respect, so that they will too.

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