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Curious about half-brother, WWYD?

(4 Posts)
onesisterofmany Sun 07-Jul-13 18:40:40

To say I have a complicated family would be an understatement so I'm going to keep it simple. For that reason there is going to be loads that I won't have told you but it can't be helped as the story would be too long otherwise.

So my real father left when I was 6 mo and as such I've never known him. My mother went on to marry his brother (so technically my uncle) who has been my "Dad" for all my memory. This also means that I know many details of my real father through my dad (my mother will not speak of him as he was abusive). It also means I have occasionally been updated on what goes on in his life through odd comments made by aunts, uncles and my dad. My dad doesn't have a relationship with him - for obvious reasons.

In theory I have known of the existence of half brothers and sisters for years and I have never thought or considered it. The thing is, I've found one on facebook. He has added (or been added by) my eldest (full but estranged - its complicated) brother as a friend and added him as family but with no connection of how. My younger (and technically half) sister has met him at a family wedding and just said he seemed nice. Now I'm really quite curious.

Here is the thing though, I don't really feel I have the right to be. I have ignored the existence of my real father all my life. How can I want to talk to this person whom I am only connected to through someone I don't like, considering how he treated my mum and all. My half-brother does not live with my real father, he left them too. Actually from what dad says he has many families. He does have contact with this son though. But then thats his style - my real father has attempted to reestablish contact with my eldest brother but doesn't care much for daughters and from what I'm told - never accepted me anyway.

My sister understands why I'm curious but I haven't talked about it with either of my brothers of whom share the same father. My eldest remembers him and says I'm lucky because I don't have to try and forget. My other brother only remembers his parting words - or at least that's all he'll say. I'm concerned that by contacting my half-brother I may be opening up a can of worms where I will only upset people. How will my mum and dad feel? Then there's the fact that I currently live closer to my real father than any of my other siblings (half or otherwise), although we're over 50 miles away, and truth be told - I don't actually want anything to do with my real father. Since I'm being so honest - because I don't think I could handle the rejection of him not wanting anything to do with me as I already know he's an arse. I don't need him anyway - I've had a great dad over the years but I think I've always found it hard knowing he loves my sister more, even though I get it.

So, if you've got this far, thanks you for reading and I assure you, this is the short story confused, WWYD? Should I forget it and get on with my life? Or should I contact him? Not that I'd know what to say anyway...

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 19:08:33

I think it's fine to be curious. But what are you curious about exactly? Is it this half-brother specifically or is it something to do with his relationship with your biological father? For someone you claim not to need, your whole post is peppered with references to him. The elephant in the room. It could be that you need to contact the guy & satisfy that curiosity - anticipating rejection means you won't be disappointed when he turns you down - and then you can tick that particular box and move on.

onesisterofmany Sun 07-Jul-13 19:43:55

I think thats an as well as to be honest, but as I know its coming I think I can skip that particular activity and not put myself through it. I think this curiosity was mainly peaked due to him being the spitting image of my eldest brother whom I am not close to due to circumstances out of either of our control which has made it difficult for us to be close now. Its also due to me not really feeling like I fit in with my own family. One of my brothers and my sister are so alike its easy to see their siblings, but I'm very different. My other brother, although I am more alike in some ways with him we are unable to have a relationship now there is too much harm done by him. Again, its complicated...

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 23:04:43

Do you think, possibly, it's time to start making a life for yourself and creating an identity for yourself that isn't so wrapped up in the various branches of your family? I don't know how old you are but if you feel like you don't fit in with the rest of them, maybe you'll feel more secure and happy if you create a 'family' of like-minded friends rather than keep going back to the gene pool for more disappointment?

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