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How do I ask/encourage dh to lose weight?(53 Posts)
Dh has always been on the larger side since I've known him. His weight fluctuates between 15-16 stone, he is 5 11 tall. I think the main problem is that it all sits on his tummy and chest area really, his tummy is really rather large. It's probably even more noticeable as he has quite slim legs. I was looking back over some photos the other day, and its so obvious than even a couple of years ago, his tshirts hung pretty much straight down - these days they hang away from him, if you know what I mean.
I know this sounds really shallow, but I struggle to find him attractive because of this at the moment. I am 5 2 and only weight 8 st so to me he feels massive.
He works a lot and spends a lot of time in the car (eg often drives 1000 miles a week etc) and he does no exercise. He has just started going out for a very occasional bike ride, but this is only eg a 20min ride. He is suffering from mild depression at the moment, and one of the things the dr said to him is that he needs to make exercise a part of his life. His diet is also not great. He often skips meals, eats at funny times, under eats, overeats etc. he is not keen on family meals, and in any event, due to his work we often only eat together 2/3 times a week.
I don't know how to broach this with him.....
I have the Hairy Bikers diet cookbook, I think I've seen it knocking around reduced in the supermarkets too - it's pretty good for reduced cal versions of 'manly' foods like curries and that. And pretty tasty too, I like my food and resent diet books with horrible watery recipes...
I am supportive and compassionate!!
Indeed, nevermind how I might feel about his weight, the DOCTOR told him he needs to exercise more and lose weight, as I stated, so regardless of my own feelings on it, he should be doing this.
In any event, I would be suprised if most people didn't find their partner less attractive at times for whatever reason. I love him regardless.
SundaysGirl said just what I've been thinking. You said in the opening post that your feelings were shallow and I agree with you. If I was depressed and not taking care of my health, my partner would show me support and compassion.
Its hardly like I've said I'm about to leave him is it
Just to point out that the OP has also said she's worried about his health.
Ha. If a guy wrote this about his wife here he'd be crucified.
I would have a problem if my partner said, "I don't find you attractive any more because you're too fat now".
I know i said this upthread but its bloody hard not to have ice cream on a hot day. Especially if you hate the heat like i do. its going to be 30 degrees on Sat apparently. So stocking up on the Skinny Cow ones is a good idea.
There are an awful lot of fat shaming threads on MN though. There were at least 4 running on AIBU back in January. There were people on there saying that size 12 is fat. You dont need to buy a sleb mag to feel shit in Jan Just looking in AIBU will do that for you.
You never see that many shaming threads about smokers and drinkers. Because the shaming factor isnt there. Because cigarettes dont show like cake does. And i have yet to hear "You smoking bastard" when a smoker walks past a pub.
Would you though? It's not as if we are unaware of our weight. My DP once mentioned my weight, I've never quite
forgiven forgotten it. It was a few years ago. Maybe I'm too sensitive.
mumsy I agree I can't force him to do anything about it, but actually I think if the situation was reversed I WOULD want to know my husband had a problem or concerns, particularly as its relating to something I could and indeed should do something about.... Might just be me though
Don't get me wrong, I feel your frustration. Sometimes, if my (obese) husband is eating a tub of ice-cream, I feel like screaming at him and sometimes do (well, say something like 'for god's sake, you need to lose weight, why are you eating that?). But equally, I am overweight and wouldn't appreciate anyone saying 'why are you eating that Magnum, you know you are fat?' and although I have lost weight and gone into a normal range, I've now put it all back on again and am extremely grateful my husband has made no comment whatsoever on the topic, I feel bad enough as it is.
It is up to the person, with 50% of adults overweight or perhaps even more, it's not just an individual failing so much as a very tempting environment, ageing and perhaps lack of time to spend on these things (my husband was better when swimming/gym four times a week but that's not always possible with a demanding job and little children).
I can relate to all of this, definitely.
DH and I have both been overweight, I've managed to lose 3 stone since I had DS2 while DH has stayed the same weight +/- the same 7-8 pounds that he sheds and then puts back on.
He is talking about doing 5:2, and I think I will encourage him to do that because he needs to do something.
I know - if he'd ever said I should lose weight back when I had post-baby weight to lose I would NOT have been impressed!
But it is affecting his health. He was put on blood pressure tablets a while back, indefinitely.
I did have a bit of a word then, would he rather be given tablets for life or lose weight and be healthy and not need the tablets? Made no difference. So he takes them, the occasional ones for gout, he has a bad back (not helped by carrying the extra weight & lack of core strength) - so pays & sees a physio every few weeks. It's all treating the symptoms and not dealing with the underlying problem.
What you have to think though is: whatever I say or do in relation to their weight, would I be happy for that to be applied to me too? I wouldn't like my husband having a quiet word about my extra couple of stones, even under the guise of healthy living, nor changing our lifestyle to make me thinner, or any of these things although if he suddenly started cooking amazing low fat meals, I would eat them Weight is an incredibly personal thing and it is very easy to be intrusive or controlling over it, whereas it really is up to someone if they want to lose it, and in general they do in their own time and own way. I wouldn't want to be someone's project, I'd rather be two stone heavier and have my autonomy, sorry.
Exactly - I just want DH around (well not right atm as we've had a falling out about PIL, different thread, lol). I can totally imagine the whole heart attack scenario.
He isn't a fussy eater at all, in fact he'll eat anything, and too much of it. He's away with work this week so no idea if he's managed to keep off the weight he lost through being ill last week. Then he's off to his parents for the weekend so that'll be lots of drink & being fed by Mum.
He should be based at home more soon and then maybe I can encourage him more, certainly to get us all out and about a bit would be good.
I really identify with this thread. My dh is about 3 stones overweight and already has high cholesterol and he's not even 40 yet. He also has a strong family history of heart disease and my biggest fear is he will die of a heart attack at a young age like his father did.
He talks about wanting to lose weight and get fit but like others have mentioned works really long hours leaving the house at 5am and not getting home until 7pm.
He also has a big appetite and can be quite fussy in what he will eat. I've mentioned both of us doing the couch to 5k programme. I don't need to lose weight as I lost 4 stone after my last pregnancy but I would like to get fit so I'm hoping if we do it together we can motivate each other & fit it in around work and in the evenings.
I've tried to talk about my worries recently to him, I told him how devastated we would be without him around and that he needs to be healthy for the sake of our boys and our future. It is a worry- I'd love him no matter what size he was but I just want him to be active and be around.
One way you could persuade him on the exercise front is that he really needs to counter the effects of driving so much. My story: 3 years ago I had to suddenly do lots of long-distance driving (family crisis). I developed severe sciatica which wasn't properly diagnosed for ages - turned out to be a badly herniated lumbar disc. I was off work, in dreadful pain, and had to have surgery. The surgeon told me it was almost certain that the driving had caused the herniation, and that under no circumstances was I to do the same level of driving again. I also now have to keep my back strong and mobile (lots of walking/running) and keep my weight down.
Does your DH's work have any occupational fitness program? At the very least he should be HSW risk assessed for the amount of driving he's doing.
I think this should be more about your concern for his health and happiness than your concern about how attractive you find him.
Oh, Tory, I'd live on curry too (and in fact have done when working in India!) It's not necessarily unhealthy, especially if home cooked. How would your DH feel about dhal and a wholemeal chapatti for breakfast? Low fat, slow release, gut and heart friendly...
Excuse me, I just need to wipe the dribble off my chin.
I also have a simillar problem with my DH, who hates the very idea of any form of a diet. We have tried the healthy eating thing together but for him it doesn't last too long and he gets down and fed-up. I myself am still following the plan that we both started, but he has sort of slipped back to old habits. Though we still try and plan him a healthier lunch than he previously had, he still eats crap in the evenings and unfortunately my DH is also drinker. I worry a lot about his health, to the point of what I would actually do if he had a heart attack, as the bad factors are all there, a stressful job, his age, weight and being a drinker and smoker too!
I hope OP that you get a solution to your problem, there are a lot of people with good advice on here and I too will be taking note!
I had this situation with DH a few months ago. He wasn't enormously overweight - 15.5 stone - as he's quite tall, but it was enough to tip him into the obese BMI. I was also porking it a bit post-pregnancy. One day I just said to him "look, we've got two young kids, we're older parents, so we need to take serious care of ourselves if we want to be in good health for them growing up."
DH started doing the 5:2 diet, and making some small everyday changes - swapping lattes for americanos, sandwiches for jacket spuds etc. He still gets to eat cake and crisps at the weekend. 3 months later and he's lost over 3 stone, and his visceral fat is hugely decreased (he got some of those posh scales).
So that worked for us - but as a poster upthread said, your DH will only lose weight if he wants to. You're unlikely to be able to force him.
Could you get your DH to write down everything he eats in a day? It might shock him into action?
I agree maleview, but most chubsters I know want to change, they just can't find a way.
I know a few people (including one who has always been 22+ stone and is now down to 13) lose weight through using phone apps that log your activity and count your calories. The calorie counters are fascinating because you realise you can diet by eating lots more than you ever did before. And that includes stuff that is on this guy's 'like' list (but not rice, never rice).
this reminds me of a conversation I had with DP, who had put on a fair bit of weight after an operation and I was worried about what it might do healthwise in the long run.
Decided to go for subtle approach, not to make him feel bad etc. So said something along the lines of: "DP, I would like to lose some weight and want to be healthier would you help me by joining me and ensuring I do so etc etc" Suggested that we do things like not drink at home, not eat chocolate in the evening etc.
DP looked slightly downcast. "I like chocolate," he replied. Then light dawned and he looked v pleased with himself. "I tell you what - I'll make sure I don't eat it in front of you then!"
You can't make someone change anything.
They have to want to.
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