Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What to do? What to do?

(16 Posts)
saggyhairyarse Sun 07-Jul-13 13:13:56

The short story is my BF moved in with me 2 years ago and I asked him to leave 3 months ago or so. We have not split up but, for one reason or another, we cannot live together. I instigated him leaving because he was not supportive, behaved like a child at stressful times with my course and, as I have 3 kids, I need to focus on my studies so I can provide for them and be self-sufficient in the future (along with developing a career in an area that I love).

I am at Uni doing a course that requires me to work 40+ hours and am studying for a degree. BF is self-employed. Basically, we are both busy and our schedules do not match up.

I see him every other weekend when the kids are with their Dads and occasionally in the week but to be honest there is no point him coming over as I don't finish until late and have to be up at 5am for the next day.

If you ask me whether I love him, on a bad days I would say I have no idea what love is really and do not trust my own judgement as my relationship history has been one failure after another and on a good day I would say he is the love of my life.

My problem is whenever we see each other I am so angry (related to the reason we cannot live together), hurt (same shit) and don't want our relationship to be this way. In the 10 days or so between when we see each other I am happy enough as I am so busy i've no time to dwell on any of it. I want us to be together but I want us to address the issues that have caused us to live apart, he thinks we cannot live together full stop.

The thing is, relationships are about compromise and we couldnt even live together now as my Dad has moved in to help me with childcare so I am just slowly doing my own head in about, basically nothing, whilst at work and with the children have a veneer of all being well.

Confused is not the word. Advice?

PS. I have not included much detail about the 'issues' because both of us are at fault and its all a bit tedious to be honest.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 13:52:44

This half-way house where he's moved out but you continue to put yourself through feeling angry & hurt by still seeing each other is the reason you're so miserable. Relationships may be about compromise but they are not about demeaning yourself... which is what you're doing. I also think 'love' is a total red herring in this instance. He's shown himself to be unsupportive and immature when asked to step into an adult role. You seem to want very different things. This is a relationship that is going nowhere and you should make the split permanent if you're to get peace of mind.

WhereMyMilk Sun 07-Jul-13 13:59:49

TBH I think you'd both be happier if you just called it a day.

I think you would personally feel an immense sense of relief and it would be one less thing to think about.

Imagine that one wkend which currently you give to this ignorant fucker that you then spend doing absolutely anything or nothing?! Am sure you'd get a hell of a lot of your course work done, which in turn would lift the burden during the wk so you get a bit of time doing something ice with your DC...imagine the joy if that too!

WhereMyMilk Sun 07-Jul-13 14:00:42

Nice not ice!

saggyhairyarse Sun 07-Jul-13 14:12:53

You have both hit the nail on the head and have said what i've been thinking.

He has said we could try again when my youngest is older and i've qualified and all I can think is "You are unsupportive when I need it the most but then want to reap the benefits when the hard work is done".

I know what I need to do sad

pictish Sun 07-Jul-13 14:18:27

"You are unsupportive when I need it the most but then want to reap the benefits when the hard work is done".

Listen to yourself - you are very sensible!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 14:29:03

Wow... did he get his money back from Charm School? Glad you've seen sense and sorry you feel sad about it but, quite honestly, I think you'd be better off with a grown-up

saggyhairyarse Sun 07-Jul-13 16:30:27

We have a bit of a long and intense history so it has been hard to face up to.

The thing is, you can't polish a turd can you hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 16:33:21

Nope... just flush 'em.

saggyhairyarse Sun 07-Jul-13 16:36:59


CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 16:44:35

'Long and intense history' doesn't actually mean you owe him a future, of course.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 07-Jul-13 18:48:58

If he is like a dangerous habit seize this chance to finish for good. Never mind if to the outside world you make a great pair. hmm. Well-meaning people close to you may add pressure if he charms them.

Unfortunately a lovely couple don't always make a happy couple. So trust yourself OP; don't doubt an instinct for self preservation and have faith in your judgment.

wordyBird Sun 07-Jul-13 20:18:30

compromise is not what you need in this relationship. This one needs to go.

....partly because you posted about him some time ago, and his behaviour towards you shocked me at the time. This is the spitting his drink in your face,swearing at you, rather grim personal habits guy?

If so, you deserve so much better. Let him go and make room for someone lovely.

saggyhairyarse Sun 07-Jul-13 22:39:55

It is Wordybird sad

wordyBird Mon 08-Jul-13 00:23:10

Sorry to mention it, saggy.

But he showed a huge amount of contempt with that behaviour; he was very sure you'd take it, and stay around. sad

I know it's easy for us to say 'dump him': he must have a good side, the side that attracted you, and is hard to let go of. But the price is far too high. And you are a clever, resourceful woman with a sense of humour, who is studying, and determinedly changing her life, while bringing up your children.

So it's definitely time to upgrade your expectations in the relationship dept.

You are worth so much more.

saggyhairyarse Mon 08-Jul-13 22:29:11

Thank you Wordybird smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now