Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I just need to vent. I am so annoyed/frustrated/angry/tearful

(69 Posts)
ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 16:12:21

I don't know what else to say. Dh has really annoyed me today. I had thought recently we were making progress but the last week things have slipped.

To be honest I think we are drifting apart. Never spend any time as a couple and I almost feel 'awkward' around him now.

We have 4 dcs with serious health problems and we are both exhausted as have health issues ourselves. Money is another issue, I am in charge of the finances as dh ends up lending to feckless members of his family or buying what he cannot afford.
Also he is going on a 10 day holoday alone in aug and tbh I am massively pissed off that he is going.

We had a row today as he said he needed new clothes for holiday I said I'd get some from primark/h and m as its not too expensive and he said he wants better make ones and I lost my temper. I'm working to a tigfht budget with our finances and he doesn't understand that he can't have the best of stuff. He criticised a pair of asda shorts I had once got him so I cut them up and threw them away, took my wedding ring off and cried. It doesn't help I have pmt but I'm at the end of my tether.

I really feel like we cannot ever go back to how we once were too much has been said/done and we have drifted apart I think.

I get the impression he hankers after an easy life, relaxing holidays and dcs seem too much for him to deal with.

I'm so fed up.

Ashoething Sat 06-Jul-13 22:16:45

Op you have been told time and time again to kick this manchild into touch.But you never listen.Yes you do have a right to tell him that no fuckin way is he going on this boys holiday.But I bet you wont :'(

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:41:44

Yes I got some very good advice and things were ok for a while.

Dh has to be fair been doing his fair share and helping with dcs, etc.

Today the issue about clothes/money/holiday cropped up again and I was just grumpy anyway due to pmt that I lost my temper. He has changed a lot yes but he still cannot see that we can't be frivolous, he still doesn't think he is BU to go on holiday.

I just snapped. I am pissed of with him and fed up with the situation. Whatever changes he has made just don't seem enough. I feel horrible saying that but he was saying that he "needs decent clothes" and "can't wear cheap stuff like the kids" and it made me so angry. I'm budgeting hard and go without myself and to hear him being so materialistic was horrible.

He has helped with dcs and cleaned the house this evening but hasn't redeemed himself I seriously just wanted to walk out as couldn't stand the sight of him.

Spero Sat 06-Jul-13 22:46:36

Sorry, is there some back story I have missed? Money is tight yet he is going away on his own for ten days? And wants a new holiday wardrobe? And you have four children?

On what I have read here, I cannot see what he brings to the party.

Who is paying for this holiday?

When do you get your ten day break?

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:53:05

Forgot to add, rather than leave I went to my bedroom and had a cry.

After a while he started calling, and calling and calling. Eventually I answered and he said "come down and take ds2 so I can put dd2 to bed" I just said to him "and what if I say no, what will you do? You will have to manage just like I will for 10 days when you are on holiday".

I can't even be bothered giving him an ultimatum. I shouldn't have to. I can't even be bothered to tell him if he goes that I won't be here when he returns I feel like just saying for him to go now. The more I dwell on it the angrier I feel. He's had chance after chance, he improves for a bit but never really changes.I cannot for the life of me understand why he thinks its ok to go on holiday alone. He knows looking afterdcs takes 2 of us.

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:59:55

Yes lots of back story. Dh family have over the years borrowed and not repaid.

Dh is awful with money and has never been the most helpful although improved recently when I had an operation.

I had issues previously with my family but see them a huge amount less so that situation in hugely improved.

Money has been very tight on some occasions and dh cannot seem to understand we can't live the lifestyle he wants to. Dcs have cheap or second hand clothes but he wants new expensive stuff and I can't get through to him.
He paid for his holiday as did extra work (he works for bil so got paid cash). I refused to give him any but he got a tax refund of 217 pounds 2 weeks ago which has gone on things for his holiday. I am livid.

Dcs are hard to look after. It is near impossible to do it alone as they have quite complex needs and iam dreading nights when he's away. He KNOWS that we each have 2 dcs at night, I deal with dd1 and ds2 he looks after ds1 and dd2.

I may as well get used to being alone though as I can't see a way out this time. For some reason my severe pmt is giving me the kick I need to feel angry about all this.

maras2 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:03:38

Ariane,you have your work cut out for you with the kids' ill health,your illness and DP's too.Who is he going on holiday with?Is it his family who are also his employers? has he been coerced or voluntarily going,leaving you and the children without a dad/husband for 10 days.Also did he re do the DD's bedroom decs that you couldn't take to? Sorry to ask so many nosey questions but whenever you post,my heart sinks as I have never met anyone as unhappy as you are.Hope that this doesn't sound too patronising.If you are in the West Midlands I could help for a day or so with the kids when Himself goes off on his 10 day jolly.

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:06:33

Oh yesn my 10 day break. That will never happen.

Last year we decided we would save for a belated honeymoon in 3 or 4 yrs time. Then dd2 got diabetes and dh said we would never go on holiday as nobody would have dcs with all their problems and that it would be too difficult ever going on hol with dcs.
So I will probably never get a holiday.I'm not too bothered but iam very bothered that he thinks he can just swan off and leave me.

Now that I have started to feel awkward and uncomfortable around dh in my own home I think that means its time to call it a day.

I could ask for a transfer and be nearer dcs schools etc. If I downsized I could possibly get moved really quick.

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:09:22

I think he has had huge pressure from bil who is going too and also mil who wants her precious ds to "relax as he does a hard job".

Still, even with that pressure he should have just said no but its like when they ask for money he can't say no as he's a doormat.

Thankyou for the offer, we are in nw london so a bit far away but thankyou for thinking of us.

maras2 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:17:27

Always thinking of your family.EDS is a very cruel but not properly recognised illness.How you cope on a daily basis Goodness knows.

Fairyegg Sat 06-Jul-13 23:19:27

Sorry if I Have the wrong person here but weren't you so skint a little while ago you had to get food from the food bank? Regardless, money is tight but he's taking himself on holiday?! Why exactly are you with him?

ariane5 Sat 06-Jul-13 23:24:16

Yes in march and april we had absolutely no money as dh hadn't worked for weeks after dd2 was diagnosed as I couldn't manage dcs needs as well as get to grips with her injections etc.
It was awful but clearly dh learnt nothing from it.

Fairyegg Sat 06-Jul-13 23:32:44

And that would be my issue clearly dh learnt nothing from it. Doesn't sound like he ever will.

Lweji Sat 06-Jul-13 23:38:15

The alternative is that you swan off for a couple of days the day before he's supposed to go on holiday.
Although, personally, I'd just call it a day then.
No warnings necessary.

joanofarchitrave Sat 06-Jul-13 23:49:05

I'm sorry to say this but i have looked at some other threads. You have a very young baby not long out of hospital? I personally don't feel it is a good time to make decisions this big - you must be beyond exhausted. I agree that it's truly incredible that he's going on holiday solo at this time.

Could he/would he take the older 3 children on holiday with him and his family, if they would pay for it, so that you can just have 2 weeks with the baby? Why not ask him,or perhaps your MIL?

Myimpression from the law firm of Google is that you would not beresponsiblefor any debts he took out withoutyourname on them (but check his access to the house equity,if any). So I think I would tell him that I no longer have the energy to police his finances or save him from debt, and that the clothes he chooses are up to him. If he runs into debt he can't pay, let him go bankrupt. Stop it taking up mental energy.

You're distanced from your family - you need a network. Are there any sympathetic members of his family (or your own-cousins, nieces?) who might support you, take the children out for a treat or lend a hand at bedtime for a day or two?

I would just think shorter term for a bit. It's a very extreme time.

ariane5 Sun 07-Jul-13 22:46:56

I've just had one of my worst days ever.

Really really horribly awful. Didn't even know whether to come and post or just hide away and cry.

I tried today to speak to dh. I tried so hard to make him understand that we need to change things.I told him this:

1. You need to manage your money better and you need to keep to the strict budget we are on as money is tight. No wasting money/no treats etc.

2. No holiday. I cannot manage alone for 10 days.

He sulked. Apparently I nagged.

He told me that as he "allows" me to have a relaxing bath each night (wtf? I have a bath once dcs are all finally asleep and technically he is 'on duty' if they wake up during that time) that my having 1 bath a day over the course of a year adds up to his 10 day holiday and that's his relaxing time and he will be going.

Each time he moaned he was tired today I said "oh well you are getting a holiday" in a sarcastic voice (petty I know).

I mentioned again how buying unnecessary things needs to end and he decided I had made him ill "oh no, I feel panicky, I'm going to be feels like the walls are closing in and I have palpitations. Please stop talking now" etc etc etc.then he went to sleep after putting dd2 to bed for 2hours.he wants a tattoo done in september that will cost 300 pounds and I said absolutely not, I will not be providing the money for it as dcs need new school uniform/school boots etc over the holidays. He was livid.

I am devastated at his disgusting attitude. Every single day I am exhausted with no prospect of a rest ever and I've been told that my bath every day is a "luxury" and that "you could save time and from now on have a quick shower".

Its over. Completely over.

LondonNinja Sun 07-Jul-13 23:03:39

Christ alive. You poor woman. Who the hell does this entitled twat think he is?!

I cannot see how you can go forward with this man, as you seem to be operating alone in so many respects. His bath comment is despicable. WTAF? He has no concept of partnership, does he?

I'm pleased you're angry. You have every right.

ariane5 Sun 07-Jul-13 23:33:11

I can't go forward with him that is very true.

I am completely finished with the whole thing. I can't do this anymore. He has really made me realise today with his ridiculous comments and behaviour that I am better off alone.

MrsTomHardy Sun 07-Jul-13 23:49:27

Yes it does sound as if you will be better off alone. Sorry you are going through this sad

harrap Sun 07-Jul-13 23:54:25

He can't honestly believe your "luxury baths" are the same as a holiday, he can't honestly believe he is entitled to spend £300 on a tattoo when money is tight, can he? Do you think he really believes the things he says or is just responding like a guilty child with the first ridiculous thing he can think of?

Makes no difference to what you need to do. As hard as it will be I really think you will be better off without him. Hopefully your devastation will be replaced by steely calm and resolution soon. Good luck.

LondonNinja Sun 07-Jul-13 23:58:46

I'd be tempted to shove the shower head up his backside.

Fucking cheek, really. He's incredible.

I hope you have some RL support and can see a solicitor soon. He's taken 'taking for granted' to a new level.

Good luck, OP.

LondonNinja Sun 07-Jul-13 23:59:53

And tell him to tattoo TWAT on his forehead.

HansieMom Mon 08-Jul-13 00:42:28

I read some of your other threads yesterday. If you had one child with the serious version of ED that would be a lot to handle but you have four, all ill. Reading of the pain your little boy has, well, it is so much for one little person to suffer with.

I assume you and 'D'H both have ED and so kids get much more terribly affected?

Please keep your resolve and lose this creep. Can you get any help in that would be paid for by agencies?

Ashoething Mon 08-Jul-13 08:58:36

Destroy his passport and that's the holiday problem sorted.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 09:09:10

Yes, wouldn't it be terrible if his passport was missing...

Seriously though OP, I have lurked on your other threads. You deserve so much better.

Managing the finances of the family is very stressful and even harder when you aren't agreed on spending.

What is he bringing to your relationship?

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 08-Jul-13 09:25:49

ariane from your posts you are married to a cocklodging emotionally abusive bloke. Adding all the illness in has clouded the issue, I suspect if you were all in the best of health he would be just the same.

And being employed by family is further clouding things.

If he wants nice clothes on a tight budget he should look in TKMax, George at Asda, and above all charity shops. I have some v smart looking friends who use this strategy.

Why not take a look at the Emotional Abuse support thread?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now