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I think I should LTB, but really not sure I want to (sorry really long)(14 Posts)
This is hard to explain so please bear with me. Im sure some of you would have been here before and can hopefully help. Quick background, together for 10 and half years married for 9 next month. DS (8YO), DD1 (5YO) and DD2 (21MO)
The saying is a leopard never changes its spots. Ive also heard the phrase you can?t change a person just your reaction to them or your expectations of them. Therefore I am becoming to realise that DH is never going to change. He will always be who he always has been. That is lazy and frankly immature.
In the 10+ years (married 9) we've been together he's not worked a full year in total. He once told me he got seasick when I mentioned someone I knew could get him a job on the river tours. He told me he wanted to be a SAHD when we had children as I had the better job prospects. Ok so that was true at the time and it probably still is to some degree, but I don?t have a job either. He has said in the past he will get a job once DCs are older, but Im not so sure. Will he really? Only time can tell that.
Also when it comes to money he takes no grown up response at all. I am currently paying a bill that he refused to pay originally. He said he forgot about it. Im not so sure. I think he decided that he wasn?t going to bother after all nothing will happen if he doesn?t pay it. He is not paying another bill he should be. Ive checked his bank account and it has not come out recently. He rang up and set up a direct debit. I heard him. However he has not mentioned it needing paying out of his money and so I checked his account. There is no sign in the last 6 weeks or so of a payment going out. If its a bill that will effect him like Sky and BT (ie the stopping of services) he will pay it. But if there is no consequence to him he will not pay it. He?s like a child. There is no sign of his DD. He only has two (Home insurance and Paypal) so therefore he has cancelled that at some point.
I genuinely think its because he grew up spoiled. He was an only child and his parents spoiled him rotten. I don?t think they spoiled him because he was an only child, but I think it didn?t help. He has also never lived out of his parents house until he was with me so has never had to fend for himself either. He has never had to deal with this type of thing. He would often play truant at school and there was no repercussions for him. He has grown up getting away with whatever he liked and he?s just continued to be like this. He has been in trouble with the police twice. Once he claims he was set up, but Ive never believed him.
He does have some good sides. He knows me inside out. He?s the only person in the world who has seen me at my worst. I cant bear to think that anybody else would have a chance of that. He knows my inner, deepest darkest secrets. He cooks, he cleans (something Im rubbish at and it makes me boak) and he keeps me right in the head. If I ask him to do something he will do it (except grown up things like work or pay bills). We get on and have a laugh.
He's an OK dad, but is stricter than me, which is probably good as I can be a bit soft. I really dont want my DCs to grow up like him.
I have to accept that this is the way he is and he?s not going to change. He?s not going to grow up. That?s a fact and that?s the way it has to be. After all you can?t change a person, just your reaction to them. So with that I have three choices:
1) I tell him to leave. It wont work, he wont go. Also it would mean that I wouldn?t be able to keep doing the things I like doing. I like to go out running, I go to a course. I am looking for work. Non of these things would I be able to do if he were to leave as Id have no-one to look after the DCs. He would also say that he will get a job, pay the bills whatever, but it will be empty promises. We?ve been there before.
2) I leave. I can be away from him, but also my DCs. That breaks my heart to even think it. Though TBH I have thought about it and still do from time to time. I know I could NEVER EVER go through with that.
3) Leave it the way they are and keep looking after him, but now I realise this. Treat him a bit like a child. Don?t expect him to do anything that he should (ie work or pay bills). This would be easier if I could work because that would mean less money for him (he currently gets Income Support which would stop if I was working) and I would have more money so I could afford to take on the bill. Infact once I?ve paid off the current bill in August I could afford to take it up then, the only problem is that I wouldn?t be able to afford more than what he was supposedly paying.
I?m tempted to stick with it for another 5 years. The DCs will be older and I will find it easier to get someone to look after them. I want to say you never know he might surprise me, but I know I am just fooling myself.
I know deep down inside I should choose 1, but Im not sure if 3 is best. As long as I realise that I am looking after him and it is my choice to do so (now more that I realise I should). I was all set for choice 3, but now Ive written it all down Im not so sure. What do I do about my course and looking for work if I did choose 1? No 2 is the easiest, but I can?t leave my kids. I just can?t.
What do I do??????? Obviously the answer would be talk to him, but I can?t do that. As I said earlier there will be empty promises that he won?t fulfil. It might feel different once Ive got a job. I don?t see why I have to support him all the time though, but what else do I do. I really really don?t want to be stuck on my own without being able to work as my DCs are too young. Why didn?t I split with him before it got this far? It would have been so much easier to do so before DCs.
Sorry its sooooo long, didn't want to drip feed.
<Nervously waits for lots of people to either tell me its too long or that I really need to LTB>
Talk to him with emphasis on the fact that you are considering your options if he just pays lip service to you.
If that doesn't work then you're fully justified in leaving.
If you feel unhappy with looking after him like an overgrown child
rightly so in my opinion then it is not something you should put up with, just because he's great 95% of the time/in other areas.
Just talk to him whilst expressing just how seriously you're rethinking your relationship. Good luck!
Thanks for reading through that huge post . Bet loads looked and clicked away, which is fair enough.
I know I need to, just dont know how to do it. Will have to work something out over the next few days and then try to have a talk. Just really scared as I have no idea what or how to say it all to him.
say it just how you explained it to us. Very clear.
Ask him what 3 things struck him about what you have said. this will show you how well he has listened.
Don't off er any solutions. Don;t tell him what he needs to do. Ask him what he intends to do about it. So he takes full responsibility and can't think to himself "I just said yes to keep the peace". Ask him how long it will take to turn things around.
Then tell him whether it is the right thing/enough to remain or too little too late.
You don't have to do it all in one evening either.
Good luck. i hope he steps up but it sounds to me like you don;t believe he will. In the end you sound like someone who can make a go of life whether he joins you or you are alone.
op, you have said your dh wants to be the stay at home parent and you want to work - so no conflict there. you have also
said he,s good at domestic tasks and you aren't
so surely its worth giving this arrangement a try before splitting if that is the major issue.
Are you actively looking for work and do you have experience?
If he's doing the lion's share at home plus cooking and cleaning and you're looking for work/doing a course/running I'm not really seeing the issue in terms of how you're sharing roles there. If he wants to be a SAHD, I don't see the problem with that unless you want to be a SAHM (and finances allow it)? As long as he's prepared to pull his weight somewhere.
You say he told you he wanted to be a SAHD - did you agree to that? What have you been doing for work whilst he's been a SAHD?
In terms of bill paying, is it possible to pool all of the money coming in, pay the bills, set aside your money for food etc and then make arrangements to pay off arrears/fines etc.
You sound like you need to sit down and just talk about it - I hope you sort it out
He obviously has a major money failing and prefers to be a sahp, which could be ok. What is his work ethic like? I could live with 50s wife style husband if he took care of the children really well, helped with homework, in school, home garden etc, sort of traditional in reverse. But he would have to add a lot of value to my life in non commercial ways.
I don't want to sound negative but .... could he work? What I mean is a) does he have any qualifications? And b) Having reached the grand age he has reached without working, how would he explain that on a CV - maybe some of it through being a SAHD, but not all of it. Any potential employer would be highly dubious I suspect. And c) has he got the stamina / will to get out of bed, commute start work at 9, keep right at it until 5, travel home, do that 5 days a week ... week in week out, month in month out year in year out?
I may sound cynical but that's because he could be the STBXH of one of my friends, you've described him to such a tee, he was full of promises and excuses and grand schemes that never came to fruition because he couldn't get off his arse. She ended up losing all respect for him and leaving.
I hope things could be different for you OP, but deep down do you really think he'll work / take responsibility / pull his weight? And if he doesn't could you respect him enough to stay in a meaningful and satisfying relationship with him?
Good luck - like foolonthehill said, you sound like you are robust enough to make a go of things on your own if it really comes to it.
You agreed he was going to be a SAHD (he sounds like a good dad) whilst you work. It sounds like you are shifting the blame to him for your career not going as planned.
You clearly do not value his contribution, which funny enough is what a lot of SAHP complain about.
* But he would have to add a lot of value to my life in non commercial ways.*
Imagine how my wife would feel. if I said my wife has to add a lot of value to my life in non commercial ways...
The hyprocsy on this thread!!
He stays at home and you go to work. Problem solved.
Surely any partner has to add value? Otherwise what is the point?
To elaborate, if one half of a partnership does all the taking, it is not fair or balanced. Hard to respect each other I think.
That it does not have to be an economic contribution, but could be childcare, nurturing, inspiration , steadying influence etc is actually a romantic. An active, dedicate sahd is a different proposition to a cocklodger who plays computer games all day imo
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