This is hard to explain so please bear with me. Im sure some of you would have been here before and can hopefully help. Quick background, together for 10 and half years married for 9 next month. DS (8YO), DD1 (5YO) and DD2 (21MO)
The saying is a leopard never changes its spots. Ive also heard the phrase you can?t change a person just your reaction to them or your expectations of them. Therefore I am becoming to realise that DH is never going to change. He will always be who he always has been. That is lazy and frankly immature.
In the 10+ years (married 9) we've been together he's not worked a full year in total. He once told me he got seasick when I mentioned someone I knew could get him a job on the river tours. He told me he wanted to be a SAHD when we had children as I had the better job prospects. Ok so that was true at the time and it probably still is to some degree, but I don?t have a job either. He has said in the past he will get a job once DCs are older, but Im not so sure. Will he really? Only time can tell that.
Also when it comes to money he takes no grown up response at all. I am currently paying a bill that he refused to pay originally. He said he forgot about it. Im not so sure. I think he decided that he wasn?t going to bother after all nothing will happen if he doesn?t pay it. He is not paying another bill he should be. Ive checked his bank account and it has not come out recently. He rang up and set up a direct debit. I heard him. However he has not mentioned it needing paying out of his money and so I checked his account. There is no sign in the last 6 weeks or so of a payment going out. If its a bill that will effect him like Sky and BT (ie the stopping of services) he will pay it. But if there is no consequence to him he will not pay it. He?s like a child. There is no sign of his DD. He only has two (Home insurance and Paypal) so therefore he has cancelled that at some point.
I genuinely think its because he grew up spoiled. He was an only child and his parents spoiled him rotten. I don?t think they spoiled him because he was an only child, but I think it didn?t help. He has also never lived out of his parents house until he was with me so has never had to fend for himself either. He has never had to deal with this type of thing. He would often play truant at school and there was no repercussions for him. He has grown up getting away with whatever he liked and he?s just continued to be like this. He has been in trouble with the police twice. Once he claims he was set up, but Ive never believed him.
He does have some good sides. He knows me inside out. He?s the only person in the world who has seen me at my worst. I cant bear to think that anybody else would have a chance of that. He knows my inner, deepest darkest secrets. He cooks, he cleans (something Im rubbish at and it makes me boak) and he keeps me right in the head. If I ask him to do something he will do it (except grown up things like work or pay bills). We get on and have a laugh.
He's an OK dad, but is stricter than me, which is probably good as I can be a bit soft. I really dont want my DCs to grow up like him.
I have to accept that this is the way he is and he?s not going to change. He?s not going to grow up. That?s a fact and that?s the way it has to be. After all you can?t change a person, just your reaction to them. So with that I have three choices:
- I tell him to leave. It wont work, he wont go. Also it would mean that I wouldn?t be able to keep doing the things I like doing. I like to go out running, I go to a course. I am looking for work. Non of these things would I be able to do if he were to leave as Id have no-one to look after the DCs. He would also say that he will get a job, pay the bills whatever, but it will be empty promises. We?ve been there before.
- I leave. I can be away from him, but also my DCs. That breaks my heart to even think it. Though TBH I have thought about it and still do from time to time. I know I could NEVER EVER go through with that.
- Leave it the way they are and keep looking after him, but now I realise this. Treat him a bit like a child. Don?t expect him to do anything that he should (ie work or pay bills). This would be easier if I could work because that would mean less money for him (he currently gets Income Support which would stop if I was working) and I would have more money so I could afford to take on the bill. Infact once I?ve paid off the current bill in August I could afford to take it up then, the only problem is that I wouldn?t be able to afford more than what he was supposedly paying.
I?m tempted to stick with it for another 5 years. The DCs will be older and I will find it easier to get someone to look after them. I want to say you never know he might surprise me, but I know I am just fooling myself.
I know deep down inside I should choose 1, but Im not sure if 3 is best. As long as I realise that I am looking after him and it is my choice to do so (now more that I realise I should). I was all set for choice 3, but now Ive written it all down Im not so sure. What do I do about my course and looking for work if I did choose 1? No 2 is the easiest, but I can?t leave my kids. I just can?t.
What do I do??????? Obviously the answer would be talk to him, but I can?t do that. As I said earlier there will be empty promises that he won?t fulfil. It might feel different once Ive got a job. I don?t see why I have to support him all the time though, but what else do I do. I really really don?t want to be stuck on my own without being able to work as my DCs are too young. Why didn?t I split with him before it got this far? It would have been so much easier to do so before DCs.
