Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Im a wreck :-((34 Posts)
Thats it really. Finished 2 yr, what turned into an abusive relationship and Im a wreck, feeling exhausted, tearful most of the time. Also confused. Dont know where to start in terms of picking myself up, or making a plan for the future. I do have some counselling arranged to start next week.. Lots happened in short space of time and now also feel back to square one as I am not over my marriage. I met him too soon i think :-(
Help? I know many have been here before and have far worse problems, I am really struggling though..
Thankfully since you have no DC with him, you can let him fade from your mind in the way that a nightmare fades with the dawning of a new day.
Divine retribution never happens to these types. I've checked every casualty list of every disaster that has happened since exH left and the bugger has never had the decency to be in there. Instead he's a happily married father of two with a loaded DW and a fancy lifestyle. <gags> .... <not bitter> .... <honest>
All you can do is learn from the experience. That part about giving the ex-wife the benefit of the doubt, for example. Next time you meet someone that gives you the 'you're so lovely, not like that bitch I used to be married to' line.... run away.
thanks ces..yes i am going through the process of what you have described above, it feels a like long road. I do feel stupid, i shake my head at myself sometimes and think why? I am making the most of the positiveness for now ;-) i felt so unbelievably trapped and like there simply was no way out.
Want to kick the s**t out of him or imagine doing it. He did same to ex wife however i gave him the benefit of the doubt when i met him, as what else do you do? but now i am more with her.. how he described she described him i am now "with".. he didnt love her however described me as "the love of his life" do you think karma came to him as I got out? or do you think it is still to come to him?
"I have a controlling mother, a relationship where i have never known where I stand, i wonder if that is how i ended up with him- because i am used to it?"
Only in part. If you're used to controlling behaviour you will have developed ways to cope with it, keep the bully sweet and so forth. So you tolerated the behaviour possibly longer than someone else without your background would.
BUT (big but) you ended up with this particular person by chance & not by choice. You did not actively set out to be with a bully. You do not give off 'bully me' signals. You are not a bully-magnet. If you'd met a decent man that respected you rather than tried to control you, this situation would not have arisen.
"If is wasnt about me, then what was it about?"
Them. Cowardly, selfish, bullying, inadequate them. If the only way a man (and I use the term loosely) can feel good about himself is to terrify and abuse others, he's got serious problems.
Words of encouragement..... It does take a long time to recover from an abusive relationship of any kind. Mine was emotionally abusive rather than physically. You'll find you feel great for a time and then something they did will pop into your mind and you'll have the awful realisation 'I can't believe I didn't see that'... 'how stupid was I?'.... and feel sick all over again. Then you'll have days where it's all nostalgia for the good times.... and that doesn't make you feel any better either.
I've rationalised it that, when you're in the middle of an abusive relationship, you push the bad things to the back of your mind as a form of self-preservation and you keep the good things top of mind because that's what you're always hoping you'll get back to if you can just find the key. When you're free of it, all those buried memories creep back so that you can learn from the experience. It's unpleasant but I think it's a healing thing.
Glad you're feeling more positive. Make the most of it.
10 days later and I am feeling a whole load better about it :-) thank you. I am trying to balance out the romantic good feeling stuff with the other side of him. He is so charming, good looking, knows all of the right things to say.. but look what happens when his needs arent met? I couldnt live like that :-( I am starting to accept it REALLY is over this time and to move on..Ive lost a lot of confidence and of course im not happy at whats happened but at least it has happened now rather than waste more time and run the risk of things escalating. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship feel free to send words of encouragement when you are out the "other side".. ;-) Ive a long way to go.. but..
just wanted to say thanks for replying, I am feeling a bit clearer, the last week i have felt like i have had a permanent hangover, cant think clearly, exhausted etc is this due to stress? or my mind trying to make sense of things? I am trying to rest and NOT go into overdrive as i make myself worse. Sometimes it feels like a dream, like it hasnt happened.. I just do not understand him, he was definitely suffering from depression/anxiety and drinking way too much but he shouldnt have treated me as he did.
Why would someone want to control another person, do they get a kick out of it? He seemed so genuine at times, full of remorse, crying, opening his heart, then other times was manipulate and seemed to know exactly what he was doing. I have a controlling mother, a relationship where i have never known where I stand, i wonder if that is how i ended up with him- because i am used to it?
The thoughts are a mix of dreams and hopes.
What you need to balance your thoughts with is the truth. Remind yourself of what he said/did if you can bear to.
The phrase 'The truth will set you free' for me really helped.
This man wasn't right, but you were scared to let go as you didn't know what was coming next.
I don't either, but work on yourself, allow yourself to heal, invest the time and it WILL be better than what you had with him, for sure!
I would call it wounded rather than damaged. You will heal, and you will have learned from this. Be kind to yourself! [hug]
thanks, I'll do that and suppose have to live them. Feeling very damaged by the whole experience
I would say just accept the thoughts for now, kind of watch your thoughts with detachment. They are part of a process, and if you can let them just happen and take it one day at a time, eventually you will start to notice yourself recovering.
another thing he used to do, was constantly question if "something was going on" if i just wanted some time to myself. i felt suffocated. At the end, he got paranoid and said he couldnt get the image out of his head of me sleeping with someone else. (i couldnt even think of it) Now because of this, I start to have the same images.. crazy. it can eat you alive. How do I get past the thoughts of hi moving on quickly. Even though I know he wasnt right for me, Im finding that hard :-( but why?
Read the Lundy book!
It explains it all!
The reason you know you have proof that it wasn't about you is because REGARDLESS of who he's with, he is the same, treats all women the same.
Him moving on, knowing what he does is pitiful, but sadly common.
YOU however are taking the time to know yourself, be kind to yourself and learn how to live life happier and stronger.
Read the book!
It was about him and his needs. Have a look at the top post on the Emotional Abuse thread, and maybe post. There is a lot of mutual support and understanding on there.
Rollercoaster of emotions is 'normal' - ride it out one day at a time. And make sure you are eating properly. You will heal, however you're right, it will take time.
If is wasnt about me, then what was it about?
I know I am well out of it, I just wish i had some understanding. I am feeling a little better today but i know it is going to take a lot of time. Im so hurt and to think he could probably move on quickly and i feel very damaged by the experience
Ew! Bullet and a half dodged there love!
Don't beat yourself up, honestly! When the shock of this passes you'll put all of the constructive thinking you've had to do to get to where you are to good use.
Can you see now that none of this was ever about you?
thanks hissy. You know what? strangely, he told me he has done this with all of his exes.. he has even said to me "then i show my true colours" how f up is that? i have been daft and only stayed i think because i had a miscarriage with his child.. fate, he even came when i was miscarrying and said "he was waiting for it to happen". i hate him
Oh love, you got out when you could.
If you feel bad, just imagine how crap you'd feel taking 10 years to get out.. in time you'll see that it takes about 2 years for them to show themselves, and you saw it, and did what you needed to do.
You will heal faster than others, as you don't have such a length of time to have lived with your brain being rinsed and spun dried.
Read the book, call woman's Aid, see if you can get onto the Freedom programme, and try to get some counselling. All of this will really help you.
Invest in yourself and I PROMISE you'll come out of this stronger than you've ever been in your life!
yes i have bought the book, but havent yet read it. on my list of things to do.. all the thinking makes me feel physically and emotionally exhausted.
i do feel responsible for not getting out of the relationship earlier..
You are not stupid. You met someone, you felt sorry for them, you tried to help. That makes you a nice person, not a stupid one.
Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book yet? If not, I really, really recommend it. It will answer so many of the questions you have and help you learn how to heal and protect yourself. Link here
Ok Dahlen, i do think ive seen the end of him though. Ive been very stupid, allowing blurred boundries.. Im going to do school run but i will be back and i am going to read this thread over again. I feel a "hold" over me.. why do they do it? why harass?
I wouldn't bank on that. Tears, remorse and the "you deserve better than me" are all part of the range of behaviours abusers tend to exhibit post breakup.
Don't let your compassion stop you from treating his behaviour with the decisiveness it deserves. Don't feel bad for feeling sorry for him, because that makes you a good person - you could be as 'nice' as you like and a decent/less-messed-up person would not take advantage of you. The imbalance is due to him, not you. However, as you are realising, compassion without boundaries leads to abuse.
It doesn't matter whether he has a sob story about his past or whether he's just a nasty piece of work. The means do not justify the ends. It's fine to have compassion for him, but his own poor life is not your responsibility to fix or accommodate. Your own duty is to yourself and your son. Your X's responsibility is to himself, and if he chooses not to live up to it, he will have to face the consequences just like everyone else.
In some ways, getting him arrested would be the kindest thing to do because there is nothing like consequences for making people face up to their problems.
I broke a pattern with my X. Since leaving him many years ago, I now know that he has a long history of abuse and harassing Xs. He tried it once with me. I involved the police and refused to deal with him except on my terms. I have had no problems with him since. I am the only X who has called the police and the only X who has drawn a clear line in the sand. You can draw your own conclusions from that.
also, he even told me to call the police, calmly to get him out of my house, so he couldnt come back? very scary experience and i was too frightened to do it. But it was like he could only stay away if i did that. I sincerely hope he doesnt come back. Last i heard was a text telling me to move on and how bad he feels for the way he treated me and he is sorry. So looks like he is detaching..
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.