Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Im a wreck :-(

(34 Posts)
hardtohandle36 Fri 05-Jul-13 13:01:56

Thats it really. Finished 2 yr, what turned into an abusive relationship and Im a wreck, feeling exhausted, tearful most of the time. Also confused. Dont know where to start in terms of picking myself up, or making a plan for the future. I do have some counselling arranged to start next week.. Lots happened in short space of time and now also feel back to square one as I am not over my marriage. I met him too soon i think :-(
Help? I know many have been here before and have far worse problems, I am really struggling though..

GilmoursPillow Fri 05-Jul-13 13:37:07

Sorry, I don't have any useful advice but I think you're moving in the right direction if you've got out and got counselling planned.

Holding your hand until better advice comes along.

hardtohandle36 Fri 05-Jul-13 13:43:56

thanks GP, I kind of know all of the advice myself, i have been here before, feeling trapped.. its lovely you replied and to just know someone is there. Suffering poor concentration, memory, emotions all over, seem to be ok, then break.. I think a temporary depression that i know i need to get through, but feels like im going mad sometimes.. again.

Dahlen Fri 05-Jul-13 13:49:50

Try to concentrate on the positives:

You've had the insight to realise you're not over your marriage and to recognise that your rebound relationship was abusive. That means your instincts and self-awareness are good. That's your platform to launch from - no longer allow other people or your own rationalisation to overpower what your gut is telling you. From now on, listen to yourself. If plagued by doubt, follow what feels right rather than what others tell you is what you 'should' do. You will find it empowering and over time a lot easier.

You are free. Revel in that freedom. Take a long bath. Put on a TV programme you loved but your X hated. Cook a favourite meal. Eat well, take long walks and sleep. Be kind to yourself physically. It will help you to deal with stress better and the lessons learned through counselling will be easier to absorb.

Well done for getting out and here's to a life well lived from here on. wine smile

Stopanuary Fri 05-Jul-13 13:50:04

You take everything a few minutes at a time... make lists to help your memory and to help you to see what you have achieved, sleep whenever you can, be kind to yourself and don't worry just yet about making plans for the future...

Make a plan for the rest of today if you need to, maybe even one for tomorrow... put appointments, deadlines etc. in your diary but there's probably no need for any more than that at present.

hardtohandle36 Fri 05-Jul-13 14:00:45

thanks, its one step at a time i know. So much hurt though. I had been in denial for a long time, lost myself in it. Last saw him on Sunday, I hope he leaves me alone. He has been persistent for over a year...
I am almost scared to go and even try to enjoy myself, like i will break down as i am free.. does that make sense? unless this is huge relief, i dont know.. thanks so much for your replies. I keep going into overdrive but exhaust myself so much, i need to learn to slow down and somehow cope with my emotions...

Dahlen Fri 05-Jul-13 14:15:04

It's ok to let your emotions run free a bit. If you need a good cry, have one. You can't deal with them properly until you've acknowledged them. The trick is to try to have a positive experience for every overwhelmingly painful one. So if you have a day of reflection on your past where you learn some painful truths, follow up the next day by doing something that makes you happy - whether that's a night out, a long soak in the bath with a feel-good book and a glass of wine, or a walk in the woods.

Abusive relationships take so much out of people. Your ability to make decisions was undermined in many subtle ways as well as the obvious ones. Anything that involves personal freedom of choice is now likely to make you feel slightly anxious. That's normal. Concentrate on the feeling and learn to recognise it. Some research suggests that people who have been in abused relationships often have difficulty separating negative anxiety from excitement because the two feel very similar and are centred in the same part of the brain. That may in part explain the continued attraction to an abuser, too. Fear is not always a bad thing (nervous anticipation before a job interview or a first date, etc) but it is a good skill to learn what is normal, healthy anxiety and what is anxiety based on fear of danger.

You will be fine. It just takes time.

Dahlen Fri 05-Jul-13 14:16:48

One more thing - if he doesn't leave you alone, send him a text or an email to insist that he does. Use the words "I want you to stop contacting me" (make sure the word stop is in there). This is important because if he doesn't, and you need to involve the police (and do so if he persists), they will have much more power to deal with him if you can show them that.

hardtohandle36 Fri 05-Jul-13 14:37:27

Thanks Dahlen for taking time to reply.
The hard thing to deal with,is it is partly my own doing. I was too kind. He harassed me (and has admitted to this) for well over a year. I didn't involve the police or anyone, as i know he wasn't in a good place mentally. He also harassed his ex wife, but she did involve the police. I worried if i did the same it could affect him seeing his son as he will have to go to court. I know he isn't a bad person just incredibly screwed up and this has dragged me down.
He was manipulative, overbearing, controlling... he threatened suicide to me, turn up to my house if a state etc.. called himself evil for the way he had treated me.. i feel quite scarred, as anyone would i guess
But thanks for advice, bad day today (i think the realisation) I will counteract that with something positive (just for me) in the next few days. How on earth am I supposed to parent with these emotions? (my son has seen nothing and has been protected from it)

hardtohandle36 Fri 05-Jul-13 14:39:55

also, he even told me to call the police, calmly to get him out of my house, so he couldnt come back? very scary experience and i was too frightened to do it. But it was like he could only stay away if i did that. I sincerely hope he doesnt come back. Last i heard was a text telling me to move on and how bad he feels for the way he treated me and he is sorry. So looks like he is detaching..

Dahlen Fri 05-Jul-13 14:47:24

I wouldn't bank on that. Tears, remorse and the "you deserve better than me" are all part of the range of behaviours abusers tend to exhibit post breakup.

Don't let your compassion stop you from treating his behaviour with the decisiveness it deserves. Don't feel bad for feeling sorry for him, because that makes you a good person - you could be as 'nice' as you like and a decent/less-messed-up person would not take advantage of you. The imbalance is due to him, not you. However, as you are realising, compassion without boundaries leads to abuse.

It doesn't matter whether he has a sob story about his past or whether he's just a nasty piece of work. The means do not justify the ends. It's fine to have compassion for him, but his own poor life is not your responsibility to fix or accommodate. Your own duty is to yourself and your son. Your X's responsibility is to himself, and if he chooses not to live up to it, he will have to face the consequences just like everyone else.

In some ways, getting him arrested would be the kindest thing to do because there is nothing like consequences for making people face up to their problems.

I broke a pattern with my X. Since leaving him many years ago, I now know that he has a long history of abuse and harassing Xs. He tried it once with me. I involved the police and refused to deal with him except on my terms. I have had no problems with him since. I am the only X who has called the police and the only X who has drawn a clear line in the sand. You can draw your own conclusions from that.

hardtohandle36 Fri 05-Jul-13 15:00:46

Ok Dahlen, i do think ive seen the end of him though. Ive been very stupid, allowing blurred boundries.. Im going to do school run but i will be back and i am going to read this thread over again. I feel a "hold" over me.. why do they do it? why harass?

Dahlen Fri 05-Jul-13 15:57:16

You are not stupid. You met someone, you felt sorry for them, you tried to help. That makes you a nice person, not a stupid one.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book yet? If not, I really, really recommend it. It will answer so many of the questions you have and help you learn how to heal and protect yourself. Link here

hardtohandle36 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:25:29

yes i have bought the book, but havent yet read it. on my list of things to do.. all the thinking makes me feel physically and emotionally exhausted.
i do feel responsible for not getting out of the relationship earlier..

Hissy Fri 05-Jul-13 21:25:26

Oh love, you got out when you could.

If you feel bad, just imagine how crap you'd feel taking 10 years to get out.. in time you'll see that it takes about 2 years for them to show themselves, and you saw it, and did what you needed to do.

You will heal faster than others, as you don't have such a length of time to have lived with your brain being rinsed and spun dried.

Read the book, call woman's Aid, see if you can get onto the Freedom programme, and try to get some counselling. All of this will really help you.

Invest in yourself and I PROMISE you'll come out of this stronger than you've ever been in your life!

hardtohandle36 Sat 06-Jul-13 01:25:51

thanks hissy. You know what? strangely, he told me he has done this with all of his exes.. he has even said to me "then i show my true colours" how f up is that? i have been daft and only stayed i think because i had a miscarriage with his child.. fate, he even came when i was miscarrying and said "he was waiting for it to happen". i hate him

Hissy Sat 06-Jul-13 07:52:16

Ew! Bullet and a half dodged there love!

Don't beat yourself up, honestly! When the shock of this passes you'll put all of the constructive thinking you've had to do to get to where you are to good use.

Can you see now that none of this was ever about you?

hardtohandle36 Sat 06-Jul-13 09:11:06

If is wasnt about me, then what was it about?
I know I am well out of it, I just wish i had some understanding. I am feeling a little better today but i know it is going to take a lot of time. Im so hurt and to think he could probably move on quickly and i feel very damaged by the experience

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 06-Jul-13 09:21:40

It was about him and his needs. Have a look at the top post on the Emotional Abuse thread, and maybe post. There is a lot of mutual support and understanding on there.

Rollercoaster of emotions is 'normal' - ride it out one day at a time. And make sure you are eating properly. You will heal, however you're right, it will take time.

Hissy Sat 06-Jul-13 09:28:34

Read the Lundy book!

It explains it all!

The reason you know you have proof that it wasn't about you is because REGARDLESS of who he's with, he is the same, treats all women the same.

Him moving on, knowing what he does is pitiful, but sadly common.

YOU however are taking the time to know yourself, be kind to yourself and learn how to live life happier and stronger.

Read the book! smile

hardtohandle36 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:01:58

another thing he used to do, was constantly question if "something was going on" if i just wanted some time to myself. i felt suffocated. At the end, he got paranoid and said he couldnt get the image out of his head of me sleeping with someone else. (i couldnt even think of it) Now because of this, I start to have the same images.. crazy. it can eat you alive. How do I get past the thoughts of hi moving on quickly. Even though I know he wasnt right for me, Im finding that hard :-( but why?

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 06-Jul-13 22:13:35

I would say just accept the thoughts for now, kind of watch your thoughts with detachment. They are part of a process, and if you can let them just happen and take it one day at a time, eventually you will start to notice yourself recovering.

hardtohandle36 Sat 06-Jul-13 22:17:51

thanks, I'll do that and suppose have to live them. Feeling very damaged by the whole experience

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 06-Jul-13 22:22:29

I would call it wounded rather than damaged. You will heal, and you will have learned from this. Be kind to yourself! [hug] brew

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 06-Jul-13 22:24:20

<accidentally echoes Hissy blush >

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now