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Not really sure what just happened with DH

(251 Posts)
Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 07:42:43

I got upset with DH last night because, once again, he didn't want to have sex. He says he's very tired/exhausted/just can't put the effort in right now (he is managing a stressful billion pound deal for various parties/clients, so responsibility all on him), even though I have asked him to make an effort with me to improve our sex life. I also ovulated last night and we had agreed while cuddling in bed that we were going to have sex, so I got ready for bed and came out to find him having left the bed and in the living room watching TV. He then turned all the lights off, said goodnight and turned over.

I (very calmly) pointed out that he had just said we were going to have sex. He said no I'm too tired and I got upset and said I really needed to have sex more than once every month (we are virtual newlyweds with no DCs) within our marriage because I loved the intimacy of it.

He then got extremely cross with me and started shouting. He said I made his life stressful and listed various jobs around the house I had not done (cleaning sofa covers, sewing buttons on his shirt etc) and told me I knew "nothing." "Nothing about sex, about relationships, about love, money, about hard work." He said he was trying to manage our lives and finances, protect and secure us money for the future after providing me with a great home and good life and here I was "offended," he was too tired to have sex.He carried on to say that I was not his equal, that being with me was like an adult being with a lazy child wanting her needs satisfied every day.

I told him that I had not accused him of anything I had just told him something I wanted and I understood how much pressure he was under and please don't make it so personal and bring our entire relationship into question, but the fuse was already lit (he has a tendency to go off on one once he's started.) so most of the night he starts accusing me of things - that I will definitely cheat on him because my sex drive is so high and he can't satisfy it. That I must be mentally unhinged. He then leaves the room and comes back in and tells me he's decided I'm depressed and I need help (I'm not.)

I recently got sacked from a job and lost one of my close friends and he turns both into something that is my fault - you're lazy, you don't work hard enough, your friend X is a shit friend, but so are all of your friends you can't rely on any of them - if you really want to put the world to rights, start with your shit friendships and forget your dissatisfaction about sex.

On and on until 4am.

He provides everything and works very hard. I do work (did until I got sacked last week) and I am not lazy, although I admit I am not the most practical person on earth.

At 4am once his stream of consciousness/accusations have run out, he starts poking me under the covers and pulling my knickers down. Now, of course, is not the time I feel like having sex. So I say no and he uses that as yet more fuel for the fire of my "fickle, satisfaction-based personality."

Have woken up this morning and feel like I'ce been hit by a bus. What do you think has happened?

ZipItShrimpy Fri 05-Jul-13 08:22:18

Whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant by this man. The last thing you need is to bring a child into this relationship at the moment. Are you sure you can see yourself with this man long term?

It's very worrying that you are just newlyweds who should be still in the 'honeymoon' period of your relationship. He does seem to be under a huge amount of stress but so are lots of people and it's no excuse.

Either he is a complete arsehole and you need to seriously think about whether this man is going to treat you right or he needs to seek some assistance in dealing with his stress levels.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 05-Jul-13 08:25:23

One of the most worrying things about your OP is that he wanted to have sex only after he has bullied you - as if he got off on you being meek and submissive and yet he rejtected you sexually when you were really up for it confused

Why are you responsible for sewing buttons on his shirts?!

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 05-Jul-13 08:26:59

Massive red flag for him to have persuaded you into having children especially as you have only just got married - bit different if he had always wanted them and you'd come around to the idea.

How long have you been together and how old are you both?

Please don't have children with him, not yet. If this is a misunderstanding then maybe, once it's all sorted out, but I have a feeling it's more than that. If this is just how he is then please, god, don't ever have children with him. Worst thing you can do, to have a child with the wrong person.

Whocansay Fri 05-Jul-13 08:31:50

As others have said, you have so many red flags there, you could make bunting.

You are his wife. An equal. Not a servant.

He sounds like he's testing your boundaries. Don't become dependent on this man. And definitely do not have a child with him.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Fri 05-Jul-13 08:37:10

Red flags abound.

What he said during his rant went OTT and is unacceptable. Erring on the side of charity, the deal he is working sounds very high powered and stressful. This is not to excuse his behaviour, which was, I repeat, unacceptable, and he may well as another poster has said need help with dealing with stress.

However, everyone has the right to say they are too tired, too stressed, feeling unwell to have sex in a relationship. We see umpteen threads on MN where men nag their partner to have sex more frequently and the woman saying she is too tired from looking after the children and almost everyone posts the man just has to suck it up and not pressurise his wife. That side of things works both ways. The time to discuss it is probably not in bed when he has just said he is too tired EVEN IF he had previously indicated you might have sex.

A lesser point than his behaviour afterwards, but still needs saying. I certainly am not saying LTB immediately but sensible and sensitive discussions/counselling first perhaps.

TSSDNCOP Fri 05-Jul-13 08:39:17

Imagine this man with a child who doesn't meet his expectations: the needling, the belittling, the humiliating.

This man is a tosser with adults, he'll be awful with a child.

TalkativeJim Fri 05-Jul-13 08:40:46

Get back on birth control right now... and start doing some thinking.

He is emotionally abusive.

You've started to get used to it and adjust your boundaries already.

All you can say that's good about him is that he's some sort of 'good provider' type. But he#s even throwing that back in your face.

What sort of father would he be? - appalling. Do you want your children to have zero self-esteem because their ranting bullying dad has spent their lives putting them down?

Please, start reading up on emotional abusers and think about whether you want to stay in this relationship. One extra point: joint counselling is NOT recommended where one partner is abusive to the other. Get counselling yes - with him, no.

Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 05-Jul-13 08:58:18

What, if anything, do you get out of this relationship now?.

It is okay to say that you've made a mistake in marrying such a man who is now showing his true nature of abuse towards you. This was likely there too before you married but you have excused or minimised it till now for your own reasons. You may well have hoped that he was somehow going to get better or change. This man however, has enough red flags on him to make bunting.

Counselling for yourself alone is advisable, joint counselling is never recommended in these situations due to the emotional abuse he is meting out.

Do not bring a child into this, it would be absolutely unfair on the child to do so.

Facepalmninja Fri 05-Jul-13 09:18:12

Oh Op what a sad situation, this mans behaviour will only get worse. Really take stock of this situation, talk to those around you irl, get support and then do some real hard thinking. Bottom line is do you want to be in a relationship with a person that thinks so little of you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with abuse?

As a therapist I would say that couples counselling would not be recommended, but maybe you would find individual counselling helpful in order for you to look at your options and work through what it is you want from this relationship or not as the case may be, your gp practice may offer this service.

Hugs and hope you can find happiness

tallwivglasses Fri 05-Jul-13 09:19:07

Well, he's made damn sure you won't be asking him for sex again in a hurry. I wonder why he agreed and then changed his mind - do you think he wanted an argument?

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 05-Jul-13 09:20:05

Do not have children with him. He is teaching you he doesn't want you to ever challenge his position on even the most minor thing. He wants this relationship on his terms and he told you last night his terms are unequal with him in the position of power and you with no right to any grievance.

His actions have just told you your opinions, thoughts and values mean nothing to him in fact they are an affront to his authority.

He has started to set the scene for gaslighting by calling you mentally ill, soon he may start denying some events or comments have happened.

I would leave he is abusive and whilst it may never become physical the psychological results of emotional abuse like this can take years to get over if ever completely.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 05-Jul-13 09:23:39

What confuses me is that he always holds his initial hurt (ie my upset with him for not wanting sex) as the ultimate insult - and that anything he slings at me after that is just him defending himself, in his view.

Inadequate people like your husband -- bullies -- take anything that smacks of criticism as a personal attack, and then feel fully justified in retaliating with full force like this. He feels justified in his treatment of you. You can't stay around a person who believes this, rugged : it's harmful to you, and you deserve better.

They don't change, for the very reason that the first step to change is admitting that they have a problem... and you see, their whole personality is geared towards rejecting any hint of criticism, so they can't even become self-aware enough to admit they are wrong and seek help.

The article Cogito linked to is excellent (as is her insight, and everyone else's on this thread). You might also want to read the links in the first post of the the "support for those in emotionally abusive relationships" -- there are some very helpful resources there.

All the best. I'm sorry for the emotional turmoil you are going through right now. It gets better, but first you need to see clearly, to see his behaviour for what it is: emotional abuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 09:26:47

10) If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. "If you weren't so dumb, I wouldn't have to yell at you."

Or, in your case OP, 'if you didn't ask me for sex, I wouldn't have to spend several hours pulling you apart and making you feel like shit'

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 05-Jul-13 09:35:23

Love - don't let the fact that you are 'practically still newly weds' stop you getting out of this relationship and fast.

He is abusive.

If you stay with him, your life if not going to be worth living.

If you have children with him, their lives are going to be miserable.

Sadly you can't see what an abusive, controlling, bastard he is - I wonder, what was your father like, what other relationships have you been in?

Do not get pregnant until you have worked all of this out - it's not normal, it's not right.


CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 09:38:39

Are you OK OP? Was this not what you wanted to hear?

Lweji Fri 05-Jul-13 09:38:47

What just happened? He showed his true colours.


HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 05-Jul-13 09:42:50

What's different about this time is that his insults have hit me harder and I can't tune them out. It was a whole variety of things I feel particularly sensitive about.

He was hurting you on purpose, rugged. He knew what he was doing, he knew it would hurt you, and that's why he did it.

You are married to a man who knowingly chooses to harm you.

You can't stay with someone like that, can you?

Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 10:02:52

I am still here and I think you're right. I'm just not sure how to proceed? Just now he got up and stroked my hair (I stayed asleep) and has started washing up (I can hear him now.) everything he does is under the guise of caring about our future/us/future kids.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 05-Jul-13 10:19:04

All this person cares about is himself. You are but of secondary concern to him even if you do figure on his priority list.

Honestly round, I would make plans to separate from such an individual as of now. You do not deserve to live like this, walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear. You've written about him before now haven't you with regards to his visiting strip clubs.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is really keeping you there?.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 10:21:49

How to proceed is to demand an apology and make it clear that if he ever speaks to you that way again, he should pack his bags. This is not the time to pretend to be asleep and avoid the difficult conversation. Nor is this the time to 'ignore' and 'tune out' the way you normally do. You spent several hours last night being harangued, insulted and made to feel like shit. You can't afford to play the bully's game where he strokes your hair and expects you to shut up & forget all about it until next time.

ArcticMonkey81 Fri 05-Jul-13 10:44:30

My DP also has a stressful job and we had a similar situation where night after night I looked forward to some intimacy only to be rejected once the lights went out. It is SO frustrating and upsetting and the fact that he then went on to abuse you until 4am is just awful.

I talked to my DP and he did get angry at first, listed all the stuff I "DON'T" do (conveniently forgetting the stuff I do do) and went on about all the stress he's under. I cried. He felt guilty and apologised and we had sex for the first time in weeks. Since then we've been better - I don't expect it every night and he makes an effort. Your DP sounds like an abusive, selfish arsehole.

Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 10:46:17

So he came back in and said that my silence and ignoring him this morning is poisoning the atmosphere (whatever) and that I need to talk. I said I didn't want to enter into his games until he apologised to me for everything he said. Then he started yelling again saying he won't apologise, he's fed up of my complaining to him when he has so much on his plate, so while he yelled for 5 minutes I tuned out again. I said what a poster said above - you have made it clear by your abuse and shouting that you will only tolerate something on your terms (he denies immediately drowning me out) then continues to say how much stress he is under and how he told me last night of his work dilemma (I listened but didn't tell him what to do.) then he said I hate all of your fucking friends they are so disloyal to you, I am your main ally and you don't even realise it. when he stopped he came over and said I'm sorry for shouting and hurting you. Then made a joke and went for a shower.

I feel like I've been run over by a bus, picked up and rescued and given a bandaid. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Jan45 Fri 05-Jul-13 10:49:55

No sex in a relationship to me, isn't a relationship and once a month is certainly not enough and that doesn't mean you're a sex maniac, sex is part of keeping you both closer together. I understand his job is stressful but for goodness sake, how long does a quickie take? I think there's more to this, he sounds so resentful towards you and you need to talk calmly and not at 4am to sort this out, you're never going to accept it and he needs to know that.

Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 10:50:31

He has now insisted that I keep a log of when we have sex so that he can prove to me that it's more. Errr I would rather just him change his attitude than stump me with statistics.

ArcticMonkey81 Fri 05-Jul-13 10:53:12

a sex log? how romantic. He'll be asking you to sign contracts of agreement of how often you have sex next.

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