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Anyone remember me?

(86 Posts)
MummyIsMagic79 Fri 05-Jul-13 00:07:27

I can't link to my old thread. H had affair while I was pregnant and life-threateningly ill. 8 months on still horrific. Can't live. Hate everything. So so so sad. I'm sorry to moan.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 07:00:17

You don't love him to distraction, you're just so frightened of the alternative that you're clinging to a memory of a functioning relationship & not the reality I can't quite work it out from your posts if he's still living with you and the DCs but, assuming he is, then please get him out of your eye-line and out of the house. Living with someone who has shown you this level of betrayal and contempt, thinking you have to 'move on' and accept their apologies, track their movements etc., reliving their disrespect for you on a daily basis will make you physically & mentally ill.

You can console yourself that you gave him more than a fighting chance, if that kind of thing is important to you. But for your own self-respect, ask him to leave now. It's painful but the only way to recover from something like this.

Good luck

toffeelolly Fri 05-Jul-13 07:07:08

Good luck.x

diddl Fri 05-Jul-13 07:10:53

So he's now trying to blame you for what he did?

TBH, I would have got rid straight away.

I think that you deserve better & have done more than enough giving him a chance-although I see why you did.

Does he want out but is trying to get you to end it?

cozietoesie Fri 05-Jul-13 07:21:50

How are your DCs?

theorchardkeeper Fri 05-Jul-13 07:29:16

You're still with him? shock

He's annoyed you couldn't suck it up and won't give him his cushy life back, he's not truly sorry.

Stop torturing yourself and make him leave. You won't start feeling better until you do so, seriously.

Sorry you're P was such a vile git to you but you can do without him.

Hissy Fri 05-Jul-13 07:44:20

Sweety, you will be ok. Atm you have a millstone around your neck, so cut the ties, ask him to go, MOVE if you can, and start a new life without HIM or HER in it.

I have to say here that I have been through some godawful times in my life, and I owe my continuing existence to my friends, I know that a good friend is worth a billion inconsequential husbands/crappy family etc. I would never, ever cheat, and certainly never ever with a friend's husband.

That really IS, to me a bigger betrayal. There is no way i'd ever be able to forgive either of them. Like you it'd eat me up every second of every day.

I second counselling, you need a safe space to talk and express your feelings about this.

You tried. It didn't work out. You can't forgive him. That's that.

It'll be ok love, it really will.

BerkshireMum Fri 05-Jul-13 08:11:07

I thinki this is your original thread

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 08:29:38

Interesting that your biggest fear in your original thread was 'what if he leaves me for her?'.... and you wanted to keep hold of him at all costs. I think this is a sobering example of 'be careful what you wish for'.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 08:31:06

You tried

It was a mistake to try

It's not too late to put that mistake right

Mixxy Fri 05-Jul-13 08:52:25

anyfucker is right. You "won" him in the "contest" against the OW. Now you are realizing it was a shit bag prize. Get rid of. Honestly, you'll feel much better.

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 05-Jul-13 09:11:57

You have tried but you are beginning to realise this may be a dealbreaker for you no matter how hard either of you try.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 10:26:47

I advised you on your other thread not to fight for this booby prize

You did, you won it

But, not surprisingly, it is now not what you want or need

Throw it back

theorchardkeeper Fri 05-Jul-13 10:44:28

I guarantee that you're feeling the way you do right now because of him How can you feel ok when a man who did something that bad to you is still bloody living with you & has the audacity to be annoyed that you've not gotten over it yet hmm

It's a shame he didn't go off with the OW, or you'd have been shit of him ages ago & have been able to get some perspective on things.

theorchardkeeper Fri 05-Jul-13 10:44:38

*shot, not shit...

Wellwobbly Fri 05-Jul-13 10:53:59

MillyMollyMandy says something so important:

Its very hard to deal with an affair. Your oh seems to have been trying very to turn things around hasn't he but if you are bringing it up every day then I don't think any relationship can survive the constant stress that that brings. I know its hard but if you really want to move on and start afresh then you have to let go and start a new relationship with him. If you can let go of the affair (which is totally understandable) then maybe you have to call it a day as you and he cannot live like that. Relationships can and do survive affairs especially when the husband is prepared to do as much as yours has done but 8 months of daily picking over the wound will definitely kill off whatever you are trying to rebuild. What happened is mind blowing. If he has said that he has no love left then maybe he cant do it anymore. What do you want Op? Do you think there is any chance that he will try again if you can move on? Do you want to?

- I don't know what the answer is. Because, at this very moment there is a disconnect. You ARE traumatised. You ARE obsessed. You ARE thinking about it all the time. You ARE furious, wounded, all things that are hard and ugly.

- So you have to swallow these feelings down?????? I call this 'eating shit'. Swallowing the humiliation, the hurt, the shame, the grief, the rage.

WHAT DO YOU DO? It is kind of not dealt with in our IC. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 11:01:36

My thoughts are quite simple.

If someone makes or has made you feel like this, they do not deserve to be in your life

skyeskyeskye Fri 05-Jul-13 11:28:26

I think that if a couple are trying to get through an affair, then it will never work if one partner does keep bringing it up. But in order to get through it, you have to talk it all through, have counselling and then put it away. or there really is no future is there?

I am not saying that is what you should do, some people simply couldn't do it and I don't think that I could. My XH was having EA with his best mates wife. I begged him to come back, but in reality, I would have never been able to trust him ever again, because I am a very loyal person and he totally betrayed my trust.

But he is wrong to blame you for ruining the relationship, because he did that all by himself. He can do as much as he likes to put it right, but he cant take away the fact that he did it.

and if you really cannot get past what he did, and I don't blame you for that, then there really is no point in continuing.

If a partner decides to try and make it work with a cheater, then at some point you DO have to forgive and forget, or you will never get past it.

theorchardkeeper Fri 05-Jul-13 11:33:49

Agree with af

If someone truly loved you they probably wouldn't have bloody done it and was truly sorry then they'd brace themselves for the unavoidable backlash from their actions. What is sounds like he's done is try for a bit to see if he could turn it around but now he's realized the extent of the hurt/amount of effort it would take to do, this selfish man has decided it's not worth it and that she should put up & shut up now or else hmm

theorchardkeeper Fri 05-Jul-13 11:40:47

Also, if you can't stop bringing it up then that's a sure sign that you wouldn't be able to get past it, no matter how much time passed. But you're not in the wrong for that.

It's the risk you take when you cheat. That you'll be caught and that the trust will be permanently ruined and the partner will be too hurt to move past it.

Bogeyface Fri 05-Jul-13 12:12:15

I posted this is response to Wellwobblys post, but on another thread.

I think that expecting the betrayed party to "let go and start a new relationship" is more damaging than the ranting.

If the betrayer is not shown exactly how much hurt they caused then it could leave the false impression that the betrayed isnt actually that bothered! One of the things that made my STBX realise just what he had done was the fact that 6 months later I would still cry about what he did. He admitted that he never thought it would hurt me so much or for so long. It was that final realisation that it wasnt just a bit of fun that I would soon "get over" that pushed him into therapy.

He is actually making good progress although he has been very down recently as he has been forced to look at the true him, not the image of himself that he had. He has said that it has been very hard for him to accept that he is a liar, a coward, a cheat and a very very selfish person. As I said, he is making progress and is working very hard to change that part of himself, and I hope for his and our DD's sake that he manages it. It may be too late for us, I dont know yet, but it is never too late for him.

Had I swallowed it down and not let me feelings out then none of that would be happening.

I also think that if someone kicks off about the fact that their betrayed spouse isnt "over it" within a time scale the betrayer thinks is reasonable then they probably dont actually care that much about their spouse. If they truly loved them, truly wanted to make it work and was prepared to do whatever it takes then they would accept that the ranting and the pain is a natural consequence of their actions. By allowing the betrayed to scream and shout and get their feelings listened to and validated the betrayed is likely to recover more quickly than if they are subtly or not so subtly pushed to hide those feelings and "get over it".

Bogeyface Fri 05-Jul-13 12:15:20

Also OP I would seriously consider changing schools. You cant possibly be expected to move onto a new future when the best friend who betrayed you is there everyday. I think you have done incredibly well to cope so far, but there are times when you have to say "enough" and I think that time is now.

theorchardkeeper Fri 05-Jul-13 13:33:37

Agree about changing schools! That must sting every single time and make it impossible to heal from everything, regardless of your P.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 05-Jul-13 19:14:42

Ah I was wondering what wobbly was referring to.

As the betrayer, he has to suck it up - he can't expect you to be fine with it all. He betrayed you in the most terrible way - shagging OW while you were carrying his baby.

Of course you are still recovering- you've given birth and had a newborn to cope with on top of everything.

He should be doing everything he can to reassure you of his love - sadly, it seems he is incapable of this.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 05-Jul-13 19:15:59

Many people in a similar situation say it took them TWO years to recover - and that's without a pregnancy/newborn.

Wellwobbly Fri 05-Jul-13 21:56:46

Orchard keeper, you genius. This was EXACTLY the deal I was offered:

'What is sounds like he's done is try for a bit to see if he could turn it around but now he's realized the extent of the hurt/amount of effort it would take to do, this selfish man has decided it's not worth it and that she should put up & shut up now or else'

But Skye has put her finger on the problem in 'reconciling'. That the betryaed person has been mortally wounded, and as in any traumatic thing has a real need to 'go on about it'.
But they are required to 'keep the peace' and not talk about this momentous thing that has happened, and all the sh*tty emotions that go with it. Even in IC this is expected.

There has only been one psychologist I have read who keeps the focus clearly on the cheater and says: you caused this, you take it. And you keep on taking it until she gets it out of her system [and outlines the process of ranting, screaming etc to renewed trust and healing].

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