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If you found out 'd'h lied about where his was staying while working away

(45 Posts)
Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 00:39:00

Would you confront or store the information...

He stayed with someone he once had an emotional affair with but is now married. Her husband was there too, I don't think anything untoward is going on other than he knows I wouldn't like him staying there. He told me specifically he was staying elsewhere.

The emotional affair was about five years ago when she had split from her partner (who she is now married to)

I've read his messages so def know where he stayed.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Jul-13 14:10:51

where has OP gone ?

OctopusPete8 Sat 06-Jul-13 12:35:12

I would definitely confront,if he had a short memory why would he deliberately deceive you?

Fairenuff Sat 06-Jul-13 12:27:13

At the moment I think it's just easier to live with it. I have life of my own, good job, lovely friends... I can just get on with it for now... It's not like I'm stuck in the house 24/7, I'm very independent.

If this is what you really want, you would need to accept that the relationship is over and you are just staying for these reasons. There would be no need to check up on him because you wouldn't even care what he was doing.

You would need to let go emotionally and make plans to leave when the time is right. Don't expect him to be faithful - he won't. Do expect him to continue to lie to you.

You can live like this if you want but you need to take steps to protect yourself from the emotional and mental distress his actions will cause you.

Perhaps doing it this way will be the more acceptable option to you for now. You can take your time to look at the relationship in a more detached way and see what sort of person he really is. You can work on your own self esteem and decide what you want for yourself.

Make a five year plan. Where do you really want to be in five years. That's long enough to get a new qualification or learn a new skill, or change career, whatever. Make a plan, work out the steps you need to take to achieve it and start putting it into practice.

Small steps. Start now.

SacreBlue Sat 06-Jul-13 08:15:14

A very good friend invited me up to hers, sat talking long into the night, her DH went to bed then I went shortly as there was a funny atmosphere between her and her DH's male friend (also visiting) Needless to say she admitted later she was having an affair - under the same roof as her DH

If people are determined to cheat they will, regardless of where they are or who they are with. If you are happy to turn a blind eye now then that is entirely up to you. Personally I couldn't manage that disrespect from a partner.

LookingForwardToMarch Sat 06-Jul-13 08:08:24

Ummm I hate to point this out, but....

Even if the husband was there it is hardly unheard of for people to get a bit naughty!

Fifteen minutes alone, partners asleep, come on you've heard the stories.

akaWisey Sat 06-Jul-13 08:01:02

That's a WHOPPER of a lie in my book OP and it's not just about where he laid his head that night either, is it?

I'm with AF because I've been where you're at now. Watching and waiting turned out to be the worst thing I could have done, my biggest mistake.

pregnantpause Fri 05-Jul-13 17:21:23

He doesn't remember his ea does he? But he remembered that he needed to lie to stay at her house. Doesn't add up. Pretending that he cannot remember and effectively re writing history, is a way to control and weaken you and your argument. He is manipulative, he doesn't deny, he claims you made it up,, therefore you are in the wrong, and you should question yourself and not him. Wanker.

Id walk.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 17:08:46

OP has disappeared

Come on, love. Get your Big Girl Pants on now. This bloke is taking the piss

Jan45 Fri 05-Jul-13 16:57:48

Why are you not calling him out on this, esp after him having an affair, when he did that to you, he killed the trust, maybe not completely but once a partner has been unfaithful, it's tainted forever. Ask him why he lied, you won't know until you do.

OneMoreChap Fri 05-Jul-13 16:40:28

I agree.
He had an emotional affair.

He lied about it. You don't trust him, snooping at messages - FFS why bother? Get rid.

Boosterseat Fri 05-Jul-13 10:30:00

You don’t sound stupid at all but I really do think you need to assess why you think it’s easier to stay?

Is it really easier to live with the suspicion creeping in every time he goes away, leaves the house or takes a phone call outside.

You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, to echo the other posters – he lies to suit his own needs.

That’s enough for me to leave.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Jul-13 22:56:34

...and he is still at it

Fairenuff Thu 04-Jul-13 22:54:55

'D'h has a very short memory though and will now deny the emotional affair even though we almost split up... They were always just good friends...

If I understand this right, he had an emotional affair. You confronted him. He denied it. You almost split up over it. He continued to deny it. You stayed in the relationship and he has never admitted it or apologised for it or shown any kind of remorse for it?

Xales Thu 04-Jul-13 21:28:47

He lied so he could do exactly what he wanted.

He knew it would hurt and upset you. He didn't care that it would hurt and upset you. He lied so he wouldn't have to deal with you. If he actually cared it would hurt and upset you he wouldn't have done it.

He knew that sleeping over at the place of someone you got emotionally involved with and almost lost your relationship over is generally not the done thing.

He lied for his own benefit.

I wonder how many other times he has lied for his own benefit.

Chocamochalatte Thu 04-Jul-13 21:17:07

MrsMelons you have it spot on, that's exactly why he's lying, and agree, he should bloody well just man up and be honest about it.

Onesleep, I wouldn't be unhappier without him, iysim?

I don't really know what I want, if it were easy to move out then I prob would. However, we're in loads of debt and his business isn't bringing in enough money. It would destroy our almost teen boys, I think. At the moment I think it's just easier to live with it. I have life of my own, good job, lovely friends... I can just get on with it for now... It's not like I'm stuck in the house 24/7, I'm very independent.

God I must sound stupid. I'd be saying the same as most of you if I were reading this. Funny when the shoes on the other foot, I always think its clear cut...

MrsMelons Thu 04-Jul-13 12:07:27

I think it is more likely he has lied to you as he knows you won't like it.

My DH lies about stupid stuff for that reason but I have told him he cannot do this anymore and that if it genuinely is something he doesn't want me to know then may he shouldn't be doing it. If it is something that he thinks I won't like due to my own issues then he needs to man up and tell me outright!

I would have to say something, it is about trust and you cannot trust him if he is lying to you about this sort of thing.

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 04-Jul-13 10:51:10

You don't trust him, can't bear to be near him and you're living in tenterhooks because of his actions. You need to think about whether you'd be happier alone.

ageofgrandillusion Thu 04-Jul-13 10:37:31

Dont get why her partner let him stay if he had emotional affair with his missis. Wtf is that about? What did the EA entail?

Ahhhcrap Thu 04-Jul-13 10:13:38

If he forgets the EA he'll forget he lied about where he was staying... His lack of memory serves him well for brushing his wrong doing under the carpet...

You can either choose to confront or live with it?

OnTheNingNangNong Thu 04-Jul-13 09:36:26

He's lied, why would he lie if it was innocent?

theorchardkeeper Thu 04-Jul-13 09:32:32

(and innocent or not, he lied because he knew you'd hate it, rightly so, rather than just not bloody doing it. That speaks volumes. Also, he can't have much integrity if he's able to be around her DH who has no idea, which is pretty cruel in itself?

If you aren't up for leaving for the time being then I bet keeping it to yourself and watching him think he got away with it/doing it again will help you make your mind up. Good luck).

theorchardkeeper Thu 04-Jul-13 09:28:58

It's surely a given that it's never going to be salvageable after this?

He had an EA anyway...and now this!

You're not going to trust him again and no trust = a bad/unhealthy relationship.

I'd confront him with the general belief that this was the beginning of the end personally.

Sorry for you, you must feel so hurt to know he could lie to you so easily and would probably continue to do so, as long as you didn't 'find out' too late, the idiot hmm brew

brilliantwhite Thu 04-Jul-13 09:16:01

although I do think it is innocent, it is its the lying that gets me, never really realised how easily that came to him.........

if its innocent he would not of lied .

worsestershiresauce Thu 04-Jul-13 09:07:23

Lies, secrets, omissions.... those are what destroy a marriage. Confront him. If he was really over her, and really respected you he wouldn't have any contact with her, or go anywhere near her out of respect for you.

Fairyloo Thu 04-Jul-13 09:05:36

You would leave for that? I don't believe you BOF

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