Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dp gone cold on me because my de was upset

(56 Posts)
CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 00:38:07

We have been together 3 months, everything going well and we are quite serious about each other He is the first partner I have ever introduced to ds who is 6 but he is having a hard time coming to terms as he has never seen me with a boyfriend before, tonight ds was quite clingy and emotional, after he went to bed dp was acting odd, cold and distant, when I questioned him he said it was because he was worried about ds being upset, I'm pissed off because I don't need him going all cold on me I need him to be understanding and supportive How do I deal with this? Am I wrong to be pissed off with him?

MollyMollyMolly Thu 04-Jul-13 08:54:01

Hi OP. Hope your ok. Lots of good advice . I think he didn't initiate sex because he felt bad and uncomfortable. He was very affectionate and loving towards you though which is a good thing. Like you said, step back a bit and just do some dating with him. If he's worth it and interested then he will be happy with it. grin

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 03-Jul-13 16:48:39

Good idea OP. Stepping back is a very sensible reaction.

tribpot Wed 03-Jul-13 14:08:40

Sulking for a week is not your fault, OP.

Hissy Wed 03-Jul-13 11:45:15

Step back. Good idea.

See what his reaction is.

If it's anything less than totally 100% understanding, bin him.

Don't allow your feelings to get in thé way here.

You are not a bad parent. Really. Your instincts where your ds is concerned are bang on.

The problem is, that your boyfriend DOES sulk, when a normal bloke would completely understand, and willingly back off a bit, to make sure your family unit was all cool with everything.

You should have cancelled the sleep over when your DS plans were blown out.

For one it shows that it's not right to rub the relationship in your young DS face, also if the relationship is going to be strong enough to be long term, what's one night in the scheme of things.

I am worried that you seem so vulnerable wrt relationships atm, was your last relationship abusive? If so, your revelation that this is the first bloke you 'click' with in years is more worrying, as you'll be clicking with a familiarity, which is potentially dangerous.

Be smart here. The last thing you want is to teach your DS that women are 2 a penny, and that's what your boyfriend seems to think they are.

Make him work for it!

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 10:18:54

Overlapping posts, but anyway, you explanation of stepping back sounds very sensible. We, well I'm not, trying to get at you but I want you to be more critical/ analytical of your choices. You have been a MN member for a long time which means you knew it was a bad idea to introduce so soon, so what was it that you told yourself that made it OK on this occasion? Your rejection phobia came from somewhere, the fault line that produced this phobia leaves you vulnerable. Invest in yourself, your son and the current/ future relationships by investigating it not ignoring it.

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 10:00:30

You have acknowledged it was a mistake but do you understand why it was a mistake? I understand why you are going on the defensive, no one likes being called out on their flawed actions. In the 6 years I have been a parent I have made 100s of parental errors and I'm definitely gonna make a whole lot more. For me part of the acknowledgement process is understanding why and what it is about me or my situation which let to it.

We all have weak spots, those areas of our beings where the fault lines run very deep and which leave us vulnerable. One of my weak spots is my upbringing (abusive mum, absent dad). Consciously, I'm over it moved on a looong time ago, subconsciously, it kept me in a ill-fated relationship for far too long because I went looking for parental approval and affection in the arms of someone who had his own issues and inadequacies.

OnTheNingNangNong Wed 03-Jul-13 09:56:41

If you want to go that's fine, but take care of your son first and foremost, he's been upset because his father couldn't see him- thats horrible for a child to deal with.

People are being honest, not nasty.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:44:27

Ds was not ment to be here last night, he was staying at my parents house because me and bf had been to the cinema, but he was upset and wanted to come home hence him being here while bf stayed it wasn't a good situation and I've handled this very badly, I'm going now because I came for advice to to be made to feel like shit because I already feel bad enough

Should have know though, I've been on mn for 7 years and this is the reason I don't post anymore

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:39:19

Stepping back: no more staying over while ds is here, back to basic dating and getting to know each other

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:37:32

Is nobody reading my posts were I have accepted I've made an error and will be stepping back? Or does it makes you feel big a clever to still post how bad a parent I am? hmm

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 09:34:32

I'm worried you saying you are stepping back in reality means keeping your mouth shut, cos that isn't stepping back.

What does stepping back mean to you? Can you articulate it, is there a plan?

Onesleeptillwembley Wed 03-Jul-13 09:31:42

This is a good example of why you shouldn't introduce so early. You dont even know the person. But I guess you won't accept that. Next time put your child first.

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 09:28:28

Considering your rejection issues and being a LP, why are you rushing this?

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:26:28

I've been single for a long time, I got carried away and swept up in meeting someone who I actually like for the first time in years

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:25:21

Oh ffs can't type on this stoopid phone

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:24:48

Isetan you are right and I am stepping back

I've been an idiot and made a very bad error, I'm trying to rectify this, I've been single for a l

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 09:18:58

The problem OP is that your phobia will either turn any perceived slight into a massive drama and create an atmosphere (hence your OP) or drive you clinging to the ankles of this man (leaving you and your son susceptible to abuse), a situation that is not healthy for any of you.

STEP BACK! I'm not saying break up with him (cos you won't) but you're not ready and you rushing and exposing your son to this. is evidence that mentally you are not where you need to be.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 03-Jul-13 09:13:59

Don't put him before your DS.

Your DS would benefit from you slowing this down and stopping the sleepovers for a good few months.

GoshAnneGorilla Wed 03-Jul-13 09:10:42

He's not a dp, he's a boyfriend.

Also, I'm bit worried you've decided it's all your fault. Anyone who responds to a situation by sulking, is far from blameless.

I would be thinking very carefully about this situation OP.

And please, please do not stay with him just because it is hard to meet someone decent. You and your ds are worth more.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:07:24

Not sure were I said I didn't understand my ds being upset, of course I understand

Ashoething Wed 03-Jul-13 09:04:18

You introduced your new boyfriend to your ds after a mere 2 months and allow him to sleep overshock No wonder your ds is having emotional problems. Sounds like his father is not the only parent who is letting him down.

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 09:04:01

And yep I am a massive cock for introducing him to ds too early

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 09:02:54

You have translated not initiating sex as cold and distant because you have a rejection phobia. However, you couldn't understand your sons understandable change in behaviour considering the circumstances confused.

You are not ready for a relationship and your son is definitely not ready for any relationship that you are in. Go see a counsellor and work through your issues because its not fair to expose your son to this.

CinnabarRed Wed 03-Jul-13 08:56:04

So suddenly it's all your fault? WTF?

CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 08:55:14

Thankyou for the advice, im not going to bin him as i do think he us worth the effort, looking back to last night I was being very childish, he didn't do anything wrong othenouns I thinking he was genuinely worried about my ds

Wannabe your advice was stop on

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: