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Dp gone cold on me because my de was upset

(56 Posts)
CorrStagnitto Wed 03-Jul-13 00:38:07

We have been together 3 months, everything going well and we are quite serious about each other He is the first partner I have ever introduced to ds who is 6 but he is having a hard time coming to terms as he has never seen me with a boyfriend before, tonight ds was quite clingy and emotional, after he went to bed dp was acting odd, cold and distant, when I questioned him he said it was because he was worried about ds being upset, I'm pissed off because I don't need him going all cold on me I need him to be understanding and supportive How do I deal with this? Am I wrong to be pissed off with him?

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 10:00:30

You have acknowledged it was a mistake but do you understand why it was a mistake? I understand why you are going on the defensive, no one likes being called out on their flawed actions. In the 6 years I have been a parent I have made 100s of parental errors and I'm definitely gonna make a whole lot more. For me part of the acknowledgement process is understanding why and what it is about me or my situation which let to it.

We all have weak spots, those areas of our beings where the fault lines run very deep and which leave us vulnerable. One of my weak spots is my upbringing (abusive mum, absent dad). Consciously, I'm over it moved on a looong time ago, subconsciously, it kept me in a ill-fated relationship for far too long because I went looking for parental approval and affection in the arms of someone who had his own issues and inadequacies.

Isetan Wed 03-Jul-13 10:18:54

Overlapping posts, but anyway, you explanation of stepping back sounds very sensible. We, well I'm not, trying to get at you but I want you to be more critical/ analytical of your choices. You have been a MN member for a long time which means you knew it was a bad idea to introduce so soon, so what was it that you told yourself that made it OK on this occasion? Your rejection phobia came from somewhere, the fault line that produced this phobia leaves you vulnerable. Invest in yourself, your son and the current/ future relationships by investigating it not ignoring it.

Hissy Wed 03-Jul-13 11:45:15

Step back. Good idea.

See what his reaction is.

If it's anything less than totally 100% understanding, bin him.

Don't allow your feelings to get in thé way here.

You are not a bad parent. Really. Your instincts where your ds is concerned are bang on.

The problem is, that your boyfriend DOES sulk, when a normal bloke would completely understand, and willingly back off a bit, to make sure your family unit was all cool with everything.

You should have cancelled the sleep over when your DS plans were blown out.

For one it shows that it's not right to rub the relationship in your young DS face, also if the relationship is going to be strong enough to be long term, what's one night in the scheme of things.

I am worried that you seem so vulnerable wrt relationships atm, was your last relationship abusive? If so, your revelation that this is the first bloke you 'click' with in years is more worrying, as you'll be clicking with a familiarity, which is potentially dangerous.

Be smart here. The last thing you want is to teach your DS that women are 2 a penny, and that's what your boyfriend seems to think they are.

Make him work for it!

tribpot Wed 03-Jul-13 14:08:40

Sulking for a week is not your fault, OP.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 03-Jul-13 16:48:39

Good idea OP. Stepping back is a very sensible reaction.

MollyMollyMolly Thu 04-Jul-13 08:54:01

Hi OP. Hope your ok. Lots of good advice . I think he didn't initiate sex because he felt bad and uncomfortable. He was very affectionate and loving towards you though which is a good thing. Like you said, step back a bit and just do some dating with him. If he's worth it and interested then he will be happy with it. grin

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