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How much access to DC does your ex have?

(168 Posts)
JemimaPuddlefuck Sat 29-Jun-13 19:14:54


Sorry, I have just posted this in "Lone Parents" thread as well but realised that there may be more traffic on this one.

I am in the process of setting down how much access my ex should have with our DD. I am thinking either a Saturday or Sunday 10:30am - 4:30pm. I don't in principle have anything against overnight stays, but he does not live somewhere that is appropriate for her to stay the night.

Is this reasonable (I know without a doubt that my ex will not find this reasonable, he will want to come everyday!).

I suppose I would like to know what the norm is (if there is one) and also what I have suggested above is reasonable.

RandomMess Sat 29-Jun-13 20:56:50

I would just email him that as of x date he will no longer to have contact visits in your home and for him to let you know which days and times he would like to have her each week.

See what he comes up with?

FacebookAnonymous Sat 29-Jun-13 20:58:24

I would suggest mediation.

JemimaPuddlefuck Thu 04-Jul-13 22:44:44

I've been thinking about this a lot. It is really weighing heavily on me as I am finding him coming round to my house really difficult. He came today for example and was his usual arsey self, being rude to me and just sitting around not really helping with DD. The whole point of him coming round is to help with DD but he does'nt really do anything when he is here!

I think that it is unfair that access should always be in my home, which makes me feel really uncomfortable. But I also feel strongly that my DD should have access to her father etc. I feel the burden is on me to open up my home to him seeing as he has been unwilling to find himself somewhere where she go and stay. I have to do something about the situation though, I feel like I can't go on like this.

So, I've been thinking that Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays be days where he does'nt visit. I've wanted to start going to the gym for a while so I have decided that I could go Tuesdays and Thursdays, leave home when he gets here and arrive back a short time after her bed time. That means although he is in my home, I don't have to be there. He can then have her for either Saturday or Sunday. This is until he finds himself somewhere to live where she can go stay with him. This is not a perfect solution or one that I would be happy with long term, I don't think it is a great situation that I have to leave my own home so he can spend time with DD.

Is this more reasonable?

NonnoMum Thu 04-Jul-13 22:52:27

It's up to you. But I'd still suggest mediation. It's great that you want DC and dad to have contact but alone unsupervised in your house? Is there any chance he might want to check around or criticise your housework??

Just a thought.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

clam Thu 04-Jul-13 22:54:09

And what's to stop him snooping around your home while you're out?

cestlavielife Thu 04-Jul-13 23:01:22

No the burden is on him as a father to live some where he can have dd to stay and visit.
It is not your responsibility to have him visit her in your home

You really don't have to leave your home for him to have contact.
Let him take her out some place else.

It is his job to sort it out.

JemimaPuddlefuck Thu 04-Jul-13 23:01:37

Well I've also decided that I am going to suggest that we go to some sort of couples counsellng (for separated couples - I've checked it does exist) or mediation type thing. So I am going to go down that route too. I feel like I can't get my point of view across to him, he just won't really listen or respect my opinion so I am hoping if we have another person, like a professional in the room that might help.

I think the new access is a mini compromise in that I am not cutting down access too dramatically. I don't really want DD and ex to have access unsupervised in my home and I am sure the nitpicking about housework won't stop but I feel the burden of providing a place where they can spend time with each other lies with me at the moment because ex won't find somewhere else to live and also he finishes work only about an hour before DD goes to bed so its a bit late for him to take her out anywhere. It feels like I either let him continue to see her in my home or if I don't do that, the only option is the weekend only situation which was generally slated as being too little.

perfectstorm Fri 05-Jul-13 00:50:32

I strongly advise against allowing his contact in your home. So, so strongly. It sets you up to have an increasingly hostile relationship because of the tension, and it also sets him up to assume you will always roll over and allow all this on his terms.

You can't force someone to be a parent. All you can do (all you are legally obliged to do) is to make your child available to the other parent for contact. As long as you allow him to use you as a nanny and contact centre, he won't make any effort to provide her with a better care arrangement.

This is a horrible and toxic situation for your child. Don't let him in your home, seriously. It will make him feel contempt for you as a pushover and you will resent him. And it will mean it is the status quo, so altering it will get ever harder.

If you refuse to provide a venue he'll have to get on to that. It's not your problem. He's an adult, he's a father, he needs to act like one. It's not a lot to ask - there are so many non-resident parents there who would be biting your arm off for a chance at genuinely facilitated/supported contact. Providing the venue is taking the piss on his part.

ChipsNEggs Fri 05-Jul-13 05:40:25

Of course he is not going to find somewhere more suitable when you're enabling him and continuing to allow him into your home.

Just put your foot down FFS, tell him no more contact in your home. He'll have to sort something out then. Its his problem not yours.

RandomMess Fri 05-Jul-13 06:52:32

No court in this land would expect you to provide your home for contact!!

Stop feeling guilty, your only obligation is to ensure that your dd is available for contact at the agreed time.

He is completely having his cake and eating it, what if you ever got a new partner etc?????

I agree it is setting the situation for a toxic and hostile situation, he doesn't respect you or listen to you and in spite of that you are letting him dds home? Please listen to PerfectStorm.

Yonihadtoask Fri 05-Jul-13 07:05:08

As perfectstorm says.

I really would not like contact to take place in my home.

It is totally up to him to sort out a venue and time for contact. Let him make some arrangements.

I let my XP choose the days and times of contact - it is currently eow Friday eve- Sunday eve. Nothing more. Sometimes less ? That is his choice. But never, never, never did I let him in my home (prev family home) for contact sessions. Doorstep drop offs only.

Yonihadtoask Fri 05-Jul-13 07:06:11

Your DD is only young. Short day time outings are fine for now. Also that gives him time to sort out his living arrangements - to facilitate a home for himself and part time home for DD.

tulipflowers Fri 05-Jul-13 07:08:26

My ds sees his son on Wednesday after school, and at first he was living at his mums, so he had ds sat 9-5, brought him home, then collected him again sun 9-5 every other week.
It was a very awkward arrangement, but at least it was never in my house.
I agree that your option during the week is a good idea, but where will he have his weekend visit?
You need to make it clear to him that this can not be your house, he is living a perfect life for him, and will not change to become the dad he should be until you force the issue.

theorchardkeeper Fri 05-Jul-13 07:46:16

He's taking the piss and you're letting him.
It's your job to make DD available to him when suitable. The rest lies with him.

The situation will most likely go very sour if this home arrangement continues.

Weekends only is perfectly reasonable if the non resident parent hasn't got their shit together.

JemimaPuddlefuck Fri 05-Jul-13 08:29:56

The situation is already very sour as far as I'm concerned. I know the situation has to change but I have always been very rubbish at confrontation. I'm really anxious as to how its going to go down with the ex, it is going to be really hard work to change. But my friends keep saying that the fall out with ex will not be as bad as how hard I am findng the current situation. I know he is taking the piss, having his cake and eating it. I let it get to this situation in the first place because for a long time while I was pregnant and when DD was very little he was very noncommittal and I was worried that he would leave me all together and I would be completely on my own so I sort of encouraged access. I know this situation is of my own doing and that I have facilitated it. But now I know it is not working for me and want to change it. I am so unhappy with the current situation and have knots in my stomach thinking about having to change it because I know my ex will give me such a hard time. He will tell me I am being selfish, etc.

prettywhiteguitar Fri 05-Jul-13 10:21:41

You're doing great and the best you can with such a man child

However you are enabling his shitty behaviour I know I did the same, it wasn't until I spoke to othe divorced dads that I realised he wasn't doing what he should. I had exactly the same behaviour but I put my foot down and went to mediation. He wouldn't listen to me and gave me all sorts of emotional blackmail but he had to listen to the mediator. Forget couples counselling go to mediation and get this toxic man out of your life.

As for access there is no reason in this instance that he can't come at the weekend for a couple of hours in the morning sat / sun after 6pm on a weekday is too late for a toddler. Put your toddler first not this pathetic excuse for a father

gertrudetrain Fri 05-Jul-13 10:47:45

It's a really hard situation to be in. DS1's dad and I split up when he found out I was pg so I have experience, I'm 10 years further on. It was very messy for 1st year of DS's life. Ex took the piss now I think about it. Picking and dropping us when it suited and I bent over backwards to enable contact, in my parents home and getting my parents to drive us around. I was young and very vulnerable and as DS was my 1st child I was just learning.

I lost it on the day ex said he was taking 11 month old DS to the girl he pulled the night before's house and he was obviously still drunk. I walked off, cut contact, got a sol, went to mediation, insisted on contact centre until ex could demonstrate responsibility and stop bullying me. It took 6 sessions at contact centre, ex agreed he had been awful, apologised and we set up a workable agreement. Ex's new gf was instrumental in all in this, I am so glad she came on the scene as she talked some sense into ex and we all get on OK now. Once I stopped rolling over for ex like a dog he stopped treating me like a dog. You need to stand up for yourself for your DD's sake OP. If you are unhappy and stressed your DD will see an unhappy and stressed mummy. You need to sort it out for both of you.

prettywhiteguitar Fri 05-Jul-13 12:32:15

That was very similar for me gertrudetrain once ex had a girlfriend ds had his own bedroom, I forgot to answer the question before but ex has ds every other weekend and ds is fine with that.

gertrudetrain Fri 05-Jul-13 13:44:00

oops, I forgot to answer question too! DS goes there fri-sun every other weekend. It works out better for all of us now DS is older as he assimilates better into ex's family if he spends a chunk of time there. He now has 4 siblings too, bless him, 2 from me & dh and nearly 2 from ex and his dp. Modern families are complex but they can work after a bit of compromise on both parents part.

ElsieMc Fri 05-Jul-13 14:12:49

You need to sort this out between yourselves rather than involve solicitors and court. The decision making will then be taken out of your hands. My GS1's dad gets every other weekend, when he leaves him with his elderly parents and turns up for an hour or two on Sunday evening. The point I am making is that the court will probably go for something like this, with a day mid week.

I am really sorry for my GS as he is resentful, angry and frustrated with the situation, but his dad will not compromise as he now has his order.

He actually took me back to court for more contact but the court declined based upon a balancing exercise. Sometimes it is about power and control rather than what is best for the children. For this reason, you need to get him out of your home pronto.

On another note, the court cannot force him to have contact.

I agree with RandomMess - you should no longer provide YOUR home for access, and you should pass it over to Ex to see what he wants to do (believe me it will come across better all round).

I had a similar-ish situation not that long ago. My Ex thought he should be able to visit/ take DS whenever he wanted - never mind his routine, his bedtime, or the fact that I worked. He wanted me to be able to make DS available as and when, at random times, often with very late notice, wanted to do it in my home etc. This worked for a while when I was on maternity leave, but when I went back i just couldn't do it anymore.

I went round and round for months trying to come to a solution, trying to find ways that could work, ways for DS to see his dad and for my Ex to be happy with. I even tried on occassion to convince Ex to try certain things that would make it simpler (like speak to work about his shifts).

What I eventually realised is that it is Ex's responsibility to figure all of that out, as long as I wasn't putting any unreasonable barriers in the way. I could come up with a thousand solutions, but the majority entailed him doing something. And unless he was willing to do it, it wouldn't work.

For a while he wasn't willing to make any changes, and we rowed, a lot. I even went to a mediation place but he refused.

Eventually I put my foot down. Told him I wasn't going to come up with solutions, or bend over backwards for him to throw it in my face. I told him I had a job to do, which was providing 90% of what my DS needed, and therefore could not be fucked about. I told him when DS would and wouldn't be available and that I would need notice to make any changes to this. From that moment on I drew a line in the sand and stuck to it. I even wrote it down and just kept reffering back to it.

It has settled now into an every other weekend thing. I would like it to be more, as I believe it's a bit long between visits for DS, but Ex works shifts, and is not inclined to speak to work about regularising his days off.

At the end of the day it's his choice, and he needs to work it out for himself. And you are right not to want him in your home.

At 2, she can pretty much be taken anywhere, the park, for tea, whatever. So hi excuses are pretty lame.

SignoraStronza Fri 05-Jul-13 16:19:24

Another one whose ex used to come to the safe haven I'd built for dd and me. In fact he'd often fly in late at night, arrive at 2:00am and expect to kip on my sofa! Like your ex he'd be critical, expect feeding, cups of tea, a crap in my bathroomsad etc.

I've moved halfway across the country now and he's moved to the UK but a 4 hour drive away. I have no idea where exactly he lives (won't tell me) but is too tight to rent somewhere and I think he sofa surfs (despite being on 40k + a year). He now sees dd (6) one weekend a month and a week in the holidays. They stay one night in a travel lodge near me for the weekend contact and he takes her abroad to see his nutjob family for the longer holidays.

He's never been to our house (he has our address though) and I choose to meet him in a car park in the next town for handover. Much better all round. He was/is an abusive prick and I can't bear to be in the same airspace as him, so there is much less tension for dd to witness.

Stop letting him into your home and let him sort himself out.

comingintomyown Fri 05-Jul-13 17:13:50

I would say this arrangement doesnt work for you and ask him when he can take your DD to spend time with her and offer the time you said in your OP

Sorry but when xh's are selfish entitled pricks all bets are off and until he asks for more time or has a sensible alternative then I think your original times are fine

Be prepared for being blamed for not allowing him to see his DD rather than him accepting hes a lazy shit who has prioritised his own needs over his young DDs

coribells Fri 05-Jul-13 17:20:30

Actually my ex comes over all the time to see our kids. It can be a bit uncomfortable in our two bed property but I actually think it's good for the kids. His flat is also unsuitable for visits sadly, so no over nights. Sometimes I want to go out in the vending do he comes over here and looks after them. Otherwise I'd never get to go out ever !

Viking1 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:44:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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