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Why is he treating me like this?

(118 Posts)
GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 16:55:02

Hi guys. I've posted here a few times about issues I'm having with om/potential partner.

I left my husband a few months ago, it was a long running thing and I wasn't happy. I left and moved into rented house.

Om at the time was a million % supportive. He was amazing and literally couldn't do enough for me.

Last weekend we had an argument about his parents. (They are very controlling and dominating).
Since then, in the space of 5days, he's become like a stranger.

He says he is confused about what he wants. He's not sure how he feels about me, us, a future etc.

It's gone from constant txts, calls, affection, love, everything to absolutely nothing.
He doesn't tell me he loves me. He won't hug me or come near me. He takes hours to txt me back. He never calls and when I call him he only talks for a minute.

It hurts so much to be treated like this. I can't understand what I've done wrong.
He says he is very confused and just needs time to figure it all out.

In the meantime I don't know where I stand with him. I don't know how to behave around him. We work together and it's so horrible to be in the same office yet he treats me like he hardly knows me. He talks to me about work only and if I try talk to him, he turns on me saying I'm pushing him away.

What do you make of this?? Is it his way of ending it? But in a cowardly way? And how can he change so completely overnight?

I don't understand and I'm really confused and depressed.

Advice appreciated x

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 21:57:11

Dh- not dodgy. It just comes out as directors drawings as we are not taking a salary until we pay loans off etc.

justgivemeareason Fri 28-Jun-13 22:00:36

How can you say you have been in a relationship with someone for four years, yet you have never slept together? That's friends then isn't it?

And you were living with your husband till a few months ago and the om has a 2.5 year old.

You have a business together but he ignores you.

And you are planning to get married but you are living separately (in a house that was meant to be yours together.) I am really confused.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 22:11:48

He doesn't ignore me, he refuses to talk about us. He will talk to me about work though.

We decided he wouldn't move in straightaway as I wanted the dcs to get settled into the new house/schools etc. didn't want to throw too much at them too soon

The oms Dc, I've explained that he didn't tell me about his wife etc until his Dc was born. He lied to me about her.

DHtotalnob Fri 28-Jun-13 23:07:08

sorry to go on, but........

he actually has invested all the money not me

Alarm bells here especially as you're seeing a different side to him, as there is going to be an income tax implication at some point. I'm sure you have an accountant so please make sure you know your exposure. Lots of potential for getting in a mess with NICs BICs NI and all sorts of things

okay - back to wine

NotDead Fri 28-Jun-13 23:13:07

It just sounds like he is dreadfully hurt tbh.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 23:24:53

Dhtotalnob- yes we have an accountant. Everything is ok in that respect. We are equal partners despite investment being solely his.

Not dead- who is hurt?

DHtotalnob Sat 29-Jun-13 00:00:42

It was more a point about your respective drawing entitlements because he can claim that his are loan repayments. I'll PM you so I don't inadvertently start a campaign for a bored emoticon, esp as I think I've just bored myself.

sorry to fuss.....

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 29-Jun-13 00:12:18

The only thing which really gets to me is how can someone change overnight. One min they are totally fine, next they don't want to know you?

so sorry OP but what you've said about his behaviour above goes hand in hand with what you said earlier in the thread -

He promised me the world.

It's gone from constant txts, calls, affection, love, everything to absolutely nothing.

Anyone I've ever met who has got together with someone like this, full of empty promises, its never ended well. I am sorry you feel so sad and alone at the moment but in the long run, you will be doing yourself a favour by getting this bloke out of your life for good.

I know this is where you are at the moment:

I just want him to hug me, tell me he loves me. Be the same guy he was only last week!

...but reality check, the same guy he was last week IS the same guy he is now. He has lied to you, hasn't he? Don't believe his words when he hugs you/tells you he loves you. If someone loves you then they don't say stuff like I don't know what our future holds/I don't know what I want etc sad Hope you have someone to turn to IRL for support.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 29-Jun-13 01:26:06

Thanks for your replies. I don't have anyone in RL to turn to. It's hard trying to make sense of everything on your own when you can't think straight.

I feel very lonely and it's a new kind of feeling as I've had him there all the time day and night if I ever needed him.

I keep thinking what did I do to him for him to treat me like this. I put up with so many of his lies and I was very insecure but I stuck with him.

I wish I'd told him to F off when he confessed about his wife. But even then I fell for the story that he was separated. Can't believe how naive I was.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 29-Jun-13 01:27:33

Dhtotalknob- thanks x ill have to speak to our accountant on my own and make sure I'm ok.

Mimishimi Sat 29-Jun-13 03:39:28

What did his wife do for him to treat her like he did? I'd say you probably created a vacancy by leaving your DH . The thrill of it and the lack of commitments excited him... Now that you are sounding like his ex-wife by complaining about his family, it's not romantic anymore.

Onetwo34 Sat 29-Jun-13 04:57:53

I think you know that you have been fooling yourself.
This man clearly appears to still be with his wife!

I agree counselling would be a good idea, you need to work out why you've let yourself be strung along like this, for so long.
Also it would be a very good idea to get some professional advice about the business and your home and what the implications are going to be for you if you 'separate' from this man, from the fantasy of being with him.

Isetan Sat 29-Jun-13 06:41:21

Your relationship with OM is failing because you want to convert the fantasy into reality and he doesn't.

You have dragged your kids from one unsatisfactory relationship to another and now it is time to stand on your own two feet and stop looking for validation in arseholes.

You accepted OM's bullshit because you wanted to be rescued from your marriage. Not sleeping with OM and not moving in with him straight away gave the appearance that it was more than just an exit affair.

Why has he changed? God only knows but I suspect that the thrill was reeling you in, not in a long term commitment.

Seek professional advice on extricating yourself from your business arrangement and a counsellor to help you through the emotional disaster that was your marriage and now your current emotional attachment.

The question isn't why is he treating you this way (that is obvious) but why are you letting him.

Your'e looking to be rescued, which leaves you and your children open to abuse, see a counsellor.

Hissy Sat 29-Jun-13 09:37:19

Harsh word there isetan, but seemingly accurate I feel.

OP, please don't think his treatment of you is anything you deserve, or that you did anything to merit it.

You are involved with someone who gaily cheated on his PG ex. That's not a man you stay with.

Why you did is down to your fear of the alternative, your fear of being able to stand up for yourself.

Someone has taught you to have a very negative view of yourself. Your father, perhaps?

In any event keep posting, keep talking, we'll try to help if we can. Counselling is a very good idea!

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 29-Jun-13 12:16:09

Thanks for your replies.

I know what you are all saying is true and obvious but to me it's almost impossible to accept that he did this for the thrill. He spent weeks getting the house ready for us, it needed abit of work and he was here literally all night painting etc.

He's even spoken to my mum and told her how he feels about me.

But now he acts like he couldn't care less if I got run over by a bus. It hurts so much.

Why am I so desperate for a kind word or gesture from him. I'm getting absolutely nothing

How can I get over him if it is over with us? And if he doesn't want me why doesn't he just say it? When I try ask him he says 'I'm not saying it's over, I just need some time to figure out what I want'
But what do I do in the meantime??

I really hate living in this house now, I can't bear it. Going to work I get to see him but I'm suffering in silence too.

Please someone tell me what I should do

Leavenheath Sat 29-Jun-13 12:23:28

The most likely reason for this change of heart is a combination of losing the thrill of the chase and another woman.

Either the relationship with is wife has improved or he's got someone else on the go.

What you do is dump him and start to extricate yourself from all your associations with him. Be single for a while and put all your efforts into helping your children cope with the marriage break up.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 29-Jun-13 12:41:07

Leaven how do I get over him. It's not as easy as it sounds. I had planned a future with him.

I feel sick thinking about all his promises

It's confusing to make sense of it when he did alot for me and dcs. He never let me down, was always there for me.

NothingsLeft Sat 29-Jun-13 13:22:55

But things have changed & he's not there for you now.

You need to get a grip. You have children to think of. Think of the love you have for them & forget this loser. Start getting your finances sorted, look for a job and get some counselling asap.

In the meantime, spend time with your kids who need you. Their lives have been turned upside down. Of he was a big part of their lives, they will have lost their dad & him. Concentrate on them.

You can do this OP, really you can.

Wowserz129 Sat 29-Jun-13 13:45:31

So basically you were the OW and he was your OM and now you are on here totally gobsmacked that he is treating you like shit? Why would he have respect for you when you dont have respect for yourself? He was treating his wife like shit so why do you expect any different. So according to your timeline of events he was conceiving a child with his wife while you were in a 'relationship'. You sound crazy when you are trying to say you have been with him four years when his child with his wife is 2 and a half. You give up your security of your own house with your name on the lease and an independent job away from him. You do realise that he probably was not separated from his wife when you started your affair.

He has probably got what he wanted and the reality has kicked in for him that he doesn't want to marry you, have kids etc.

Sorry OP but you have been very very stupid and i feel sorry for your children if this is the level of self respect you are demonstrating to them is acceptable.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 29-Jun-13 13:46:18

I don't feel like I can though. I don't have the heart to do anything. I feel numb to everything.

I look at my dcs and just feel like a massive failure. They don't deserve to have a mother like me. I've even thought maybe they are better off with their dad.

I want to hate om, I want to start feeling rage for him, but all I want is for him to be the loving affectionate guy he was.

I'm waiting for him to throw me a crumb here and there and I feel pathetic for it.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 29-Jun-13 13:50:49

Wowserz, I said 4yrs, but it's less. I just rounded it off. I started an ea with him around feb/march 2010. His Dc was born end of 2010.
Yes he confessed that he was living with his wife throughout the pregnancy and whilst he was with me. But he only told me this 3months ago.

Leavenheath Sat 29-Jun-13 14:11:26

This man is a consumnate liar. He lied to his wife, he lied to you.

Don't rule out that he's lying to yet another woman now.

It is the most likely cause of this change of heart. That he's got yet another affair on the go.

No-one's saying it's easy to get over this, but you have no choice. It's your children I'd be more concerned about.

Hissy Sat 29-Jun-13 14:18:22

What you do know is put all your feelings to one side and DO what needs to be done.

Claw back the strength and self esteem by standing up for yourself and refusing to sit their waiting for him to be a decent bloke.

Newsflash - he never was a decent bloke, was he. The 'good stuff' was all smoke and mirrors.

This is the kind of stuff those in abusive relationships have to contend with; the fact that their 'P'/'H' was never the romantic, sweet, adorable person we thought they were.

If you stay in this relationship, you are green lighting his shoddy treatment of you, and that is a horrible habit to form and about thé most devastating example to your dc.

Get legal and financial advice, see what the situation is with that side of things and then decide what you do next.

Right now, you end the 'relationship' be platonic. It sounds like he thinks he owns you now, and you refused sex on his terms.

Good for you actually, but I think he's punishing you for that.

Consider that a massive red flag waving warning. Put it with what you already know? It's devastating.

Be smart here. Work out your situation and then work out your move.

joblot Sat 29-Jun-13 14:37:53

I'm still perplexed about the lack of sex. It's unusual in a lengthy relationship. Is it linked to anything? Have you discussed ? I'm just wondering why, if you love and share your life with someone, you wouldn't want to have an intimate connection too.

FeegleFion Sat 29-Jun-13 14:43:09

OP - my DP left last week. He woke up and casually announced he didn't love me anymore.

The relationship I was in was obviously a completely different reality, as I believed we were a great team and had a really great future ahead of us.

There is no OW but I just wanted to let you know that I, too, am blown away that one day we were solid, the next my whole world was blown apart.

We have a 6 month DS and I have a teen DD and I am left to pick up the pieces and ensure they are affected as minimally as possible.

I don't want this but I have no choice but to accept it.

I'm sorry but you need to do the same.

Don't wait around for a 'crumb' of affection. You will be doing neither you nor your DC any favours.

I wish this was all a bad dream and that I'll wake up to the happy relationship and family life I believed I had with a DP who tells me he loves me and all the other usual things but it's not going to happen and I must get on with rebuilding life for my DC and myself.

Please do the same. Dwelling on what was is not going to change anything.

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