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Why is he treating me like this?

(118 Posts)
GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 16:55:02

Hi guys. I've posted here a few times about issues I'm having with om/potential partner.

I left my husband a few months ago, it was a long running thing and I wasn't happy. I left and moved into rented house.

Om at the time was a million % supportive. He was amazing and literally couldn't do enough for me.

Last weekend we had an argument about his parents. (They are very controlling and dominating).
Since then, in the space of 5days, he's become like a stranger.

He says he is confused about what he wants. He's not sure how he feels about me, us, a future etc.

It's gone from constant txts, calls, affection, love, everything to absolutely nothing.
He doesn't tell me he loves me. He won't hug me or come near me. He takes hours to txt me back. He never calls and when I call him he only talks for a minute.

It hurts so much to be treated like this. I can't understand what I've done wrong.
He says he is very confused and just needs time to figure it all out.

In the meantime I don't know where I stand with him. I don't know how to behave around him. We work together and it's so horrible to be in the same office yet he treats me like he hardly knows me. He talks to me about work only and if I try talk to him, he turns on me saying I'm pushing him away.

What do you make of this?? Is it his way of ending it? But in a cowardly way? And how can he change so completely overnight?

I don't understand and I'm really confused and depressed.

Advice appreciated x

JackAranda Fri 28-Jun-13 16:59:51

did you leave your husband for this man ?

how long have you known him ?

Walkacrossthesand Fri 28-Jun-13 17:04:34

Was this the first time you'd expressed your thoughts about his parents? I think sometimes relationships appear to jog along quite nicely as long as certain subjects are avoided/haven't cropped up - but there are regular threads on here about (usually) men who've grown up with controlling parents, have never really stood up for themselves, and your questioning of that (quite rightly of course) has sent him running for cover. What to do about it?
Well, if the relationship was only a few months old, that's still young, and deal-breakers can suddenly emerge. If he's treating you like you've split up, but he hasn't actually said so, and the way he's treating you is unacceptably rude, maybe it's time for you to seize the initiative rather than 'wondering what hes thinking' and speak to/message him along the lines that something has clearly changed, you don't know what it is but you're not prepared to continue the relationship on this basis so it's over unless he puts it right. Sympathies.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 17:06:43

I've known him for atound 7/8 years but started having feelings for each 4years ago. I didn't leave my husband for him, we were already having problems. Things were going from bad to worse.

But when I met om I fell in love with him. He promised me the world. We started a business together, the house I'm in now was for us together. We have really been through alot together past few years.

I don't understand how he can change overnight. He used to treat my dcs like his own. He did so much for us.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 17:08:17

Walkacross, I've been with him 4years so not a new relationship.

We had planned to get married.

fromparistoberlin Fri 28-Jun-13 17:08:24


Its not looking good

I know you wont do this, but the best thing to do when they go into cave like this is to act ike you dont give a shit, be calm, smile and live you own life

I also like walkacross advice, ie talk me to me, or fuck off!

clearly some nerve has been triggered vis a vis his parents, but you cant force him to talk can you???

Walkacrossthesand Fri 28-Jun-13 17:10:04

PS is this the same om of your April posts, who at that stage was still married to his pg wife that he had lied to you about? hmm Strikes me as a golden opportunity to get rid, surely...

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 17:14:53

Lol walkacross it is the same one.

He has lied alot to me but I can't let him go. I love him and I'm totally crazy about him.

He's been really horrible to me the past week. Coming out with alot of hurtful comments.

Fromparis- I've tried to do this! To act normal, but I can't! I just want him to hug me, tell me he loves me. Be the same guy he was only last week!

I know I'm being pathetic. I need to let him go but I can't. For 4years he promised me the world and more. I wasn't worried about being a single parent as he was there and helped me with dcs.

Now I just feel totally lost and alone.

BalloonSlayer Fri 28-Jun-13 17:15:25

So you have been "with" him, ie in a relationship with him for 4 years, but you only left your husband a few months ago?

So you have only been in a "real" relationship with him for a few months.

Sorry to say this but I think it sounds like he only wanted the fantasy affair-type relationship and he can't handle a real one with you.

BalloonSlayer Fri 28-Jun-13 17:17:30

"be the same guy he was only last week!"

but he IS being the same guy he was last week. He is being the sort of arsehole who cheats on his pregnant wife and lies to you about it. This is "the same guy" he has always been.

Except this time it is you who are on the receiving end of his arseholery.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 17:23:34

Baloonslayer- me and my husband were in separate bedrooms for 5years. Me and om never had a physical relationship.
Even now we have not slept together although he wanted to (without protection and I said no way).

My instincts are telling me to cut my losses. He's no good as he's lied to me so many times, ill always be questioning him. Wondering where he is etc. plus his wife is still in the background. He won't even start the divorce process as he doesn't want to hurt her... He doesn't know how to do it.

Omg. I'm so daft aren't I. Have I been played for a complete fool here?

The thing is we have a business together and if I left he would be buggered.
So I'm not sure if that's why he won't properly break it off with me? He wants to keep me 'on side'?

BalloonSlayer Fri 28-Jun-13 17:56:49

Oh dear confused

"if I left he would be buggered."

Look I'm afraid reading between the lines it seems like he is still with his wife, and he has used you to finance a business venture.

So sorry.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 18:03:38

Balloon- he actually has invested all the money not me. He didn't really need me to set it up. Even now I am replaceable but it will really take awhile to do it.

I know he's been separated for a few years from her. But now.... I've got a niggling doubt that maybe he wants to/is back with her but doesn't know how to get rid of me.

I honestly don't know what to do or think.

mrscynical Fri 28-Jun-13 18:04:40

This is either totally made up rubbish or you are the most idiotic woman in the history of MN.

Jesus, you would be deluded if you HAD slept with him!


GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 18:08:08

Mrscynical- it's not made up rubbish I assure you.

And yeah I maybe am an idiotic woman but one who wants some helpful advice. Thanks anyway though.

Amberz Fri 28-Jun-13 18:08:12

So sorry but yes looks like you have been played as you say , take a deep breath gather All YOUR STRENGTH and carry on like , if no change form him then afraid you will need to do the TALK to me routine or GO , again sorry for your confusion and the fact you have not only an emotional issue but a Business together, try to cover your back seek legal advice vis a vis the business side if you can get your head around that yet , be kind to your self talk to your friends and ask them for help ..................

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 18:11:47

Amberz- thank you x

A poster on another thread gave me some great advice. To play the long game. Don't get mad get even right?

I've been considering what to do re business. I need to protect my interests for my dcs sake.

But I'm so hurt by how he's treating me. I do love him.

He's told me his wife knows about me and still wants him back but what if she doesn't? Should I tell her what's going on?

Leavenheath Fri 28-Jun-13 18:14:16

How long ago was his wife pregnant?

Either way, it looks like now that you're available he's running scared.

You shouldn't ever accept someone being horrible to you, whether that's a husband or a lover.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 18:18:44

Leaven Heath, she was pregnant just when we started having feelings for each other. His Dc is now 2.5yrs old.

He didn't tell me he was married. When he confessed, he said he was separated. They had a 'trial' for a few weeks where she became pregnant. But I was not with him at this time..

I know I should walk away from him. My head is screaming at me to do this. But I'm heart broken.

TheOwlService Fri 28-Jun-13 18:26:47

You will get over it Groundhog.

Best to get out quick-he sounds like he has zero respect for you.

As advised in your other thread, run a mile.

LunaticFringe Fri 28-Jun-13 18:27:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrscynical Fri 28-Jun-13 18:39:52

So how come you have been in this 'relationship' for 4 years yet his child is now 2 and a half years old but you were not with him at this time?

Here's some genuine helpful advice - go and get some counselling.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 18:42:45

He must have zero respect otherwise he would not treat me this way.
He keeps saying he is confused blah blah.

Do you think I should speak to his wife?? What if she doesn't know about me? Should I tell her? Or not?
Should I just walk away and leave him to it. But if I was his wife id want to know what he'd been up to all this time.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 28-Jun-13 18:45:17

Mrs cynical- I 'met' him just as his wife must have conceived I think. His Dc turns 3soon. So that's almost 4years.

I am considering counselling but is this to help me get some self esteem?

LEMisdisappointed Fri 28-Jun-13 18:48:36

I have to be very blunt here - whilst you were with your husband, regardless of how many problems you were having or not, you were available as a no strings fuck for this guy, regardless of what HE promised you. He didn't have to commit to you beause you were married. Now you are not married so will be expecting commitment from him, he wants out, because he never wanted in in the first place. Sorry x

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