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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Private detective seeks advice.

54 replies

AbigailSpagibail · 28/06/2013 12:33

DP and I often talk on Facebook chat when apart and - I am guessing unbeknownst to him - he has the location tracker on, which means I can see where he is when he messages me. Quite a few friends I chat to have this on; I probably do too. It shows up a little map and is always really specific and accurate.

I'm visiting friends this week, and he's supposed to be working today. I messaged him this morning with a picture of something he'd like, and was surprised when he replied straightaway - he doesn't normally when at work. So I clicked the location map... And he wasn't at work, but in a residential street about six roads from his house (opposite direction from his work/town). I then messaged asking if he was at work figuring there was a simple explanation, but he said yes, he was at work. From his messages I've seen that he stayed there for a while, then progressed across town to outside his work, where he called to say he was on a break and had had a horrible morning dealing with customers.

He has a history of telling little white lies to avoid arguments, and I've been annoyed with his lack of work ethic lately. I suspect he went to visit a friend (though I don't know anyone who lives on that road) but doesn't want to tell me because I'll be annoyed at him going to work late again.

So, wise MNetters, what do I do? Confront (and he'll then turn off the tracker)?

OP posts:

Report

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/06/2013 12:34

Don't confront. Watch closely from now on and gather evidence. He's forgotten about the tracker so don't remind him.

AbigailSpagibail · 28/06/2013 12:49

I'm torn. I want to know where he was (and tell him how annoyed I am for the lying AND the being late) but the only way I can get him to come clean is to point out my proof... And then he'll turn it off.

OP posts:

Xales · 28/06/2013 13:08

Could the customer be where he was
?

Anniegetyourgun · 28/06/2013 13:09

You could try hinting that someone had seen his car at said house, thus not giving the tracker game away...

You're quite sure the address couldn't be one of the alleged nightmare customers?

AbigailSpagibail · 28/06/2013 13:10

Definitely not, he works from an office and never has cause to leave except on breaks. He contacts customers by phone and email.

I should point out I don't think he's having an affair, but then he clearly has no shame in lying to me...

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AbigailSpagibail · 28/06/2013 13:12

He doesn't drive, so that wouldn't work. The tracker showed he was off the road, so in a house anyway. I don't know anyone who lives there so can't think of anyone I could realistically pretend had seen him...

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Pancakeflipper · 28/06/2013 13:12

Are these tracker things reliable ? Sure I I heard they can be incorrect.

forumdonkey · 28/06/2013 13:15

Just a little story. My best friends daughter was accused of not being at home by her then boyfriend. This followed something similar via FB chat. She was there in her house the entire time but it was showing her being in another street which was a 10 minute walk away. They'd been together a few months so I assume it wasn't the first time they had communicated this way but on this occasion it was wrong.

Looksgoodingravy · 28/06/2013 13:17

Do you think he'd have reason to lie?

Has he been acting different lately. Glued to his phone, distant etc?

Looksgoodingravy · 28/06/2013 13:18

Would he have to drive past this house on his way to work? Could the tracker have stalled somehow?

AbigailSpagibail · 28/06/2013 13:27

I am prepared to believe it's wrong, but it's always been 100% accurate before - to the extent that you can see whether someone's in their house or garden. The messages show him moving from this street across town in a route he wouldn't normally take to work, and the time it would take to walk vs where he shows as being tally up. So it'd have to be wrong for a period of hours and in different, diverse locations...

This house is not on his way to work, town, or anywhere he normally goes.
He hasn't been acting weirdly and I have no reason to suspect he's cheating or anything. If anything we've been getting on really well. His messages from earlier that morning locate him at home.

As well as that he said he'd been to a specific shop during his break before we spoke. This is unlikely as he wouldn't have time to do it unless he'd run there and back, but he didn't sound out of breath.

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ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 28/06/2013 13:30

Trackers often aren't "specific and accurate" consistently.

You should tell your DH he has his tracker on - what sort of relationship do you have where you think it is OK to do this?!

AbigailSpagibail · 28/06/2013 13:36

I think it's on as a default ItsAllGoingToBeFine, like I said in my first post, most people I talk to on Facebook have it turned on and I probably do too. It's not a secret or something I've planted.

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RambleOn · 28/06/2013 13:36

It'sall - a relationship where he lies to his partner perhaps?

Pancakeflipper · 28/06/2013 13:42

If he was in this street/house it cannot have been very thrilling if FB'ing you for a while.

AbigailSpagibail · 28/06/2013 13:44

looksgoodingravy you asked if he has any reason to lie - the reason he'd lie is because I've been cross with him lately for going to work late and calling in sick when he's not. He hates his job, but hasn't applied for any other ones, and we're supposed to be saving for a mortgage, so I think he shouldn't be messing around with his work/career chances.

He sometimes does a later shift so I think he's pretended he forgot he was on an early shift in order to get out of a few hours of work (he's got away with this before).

I don't think he's having an affair; I expect he's visited a friend or gone there to buy something from Gumtree as it's payday today. I'm just annoyed that a) he's lied to me and b) he's skiving work AGAIN. If he can lie so brazenly it makes me think I can't trust him.

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MrsSalvoMontalbano · 28/06/2013 13:47

If he was in this street/house it cannot have been very thrilling if FB'ing you for a while.
well said pancake!

pigsDOfly · 28/06/2013 13:48

You say you don't suspect he's having an affair OP, so why would you feel the need to know exactly where he is at any given time?

You refer to 'his house' so I take it you aren't living together?

Personally if I found out that my DP was checking up on me like this I'd be furious and probably end the relationship as it would feel horribly stalkerish and controlling to have someone pinpointing my movements in this way.

I have to wonder what the reaction would be on here if a woman posted saying that she'd found out her controlling DP was watching her movements in this way.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/06/2013 13:54

Pancake,

It very well could be a techno grimlin, AS. Perhaps file this incident away , but don't forget it?

As you know him to be able to tell lies, yet you choose to remain in a relationship, why would this bother you? (You can tell I have a boundary at lies. )

ivykaty44 · 28/06/2013 13:59

My dd2 was upstairs this week in the same house (I knew she was there and could hear her) when she messaged me - her location though was 3 miles away in a random village, at the time it made me smile, but in your case it could sow seeds of doubt and obviously has

scrazy · 28/06/2013 13:59

FB location thing gets it wrong sometimes. It always says I'm in the next town about a mile away.

AbigailSpagibail · 28/06/2013 14:00

I don't feel the need to know where he is all the time pigsDOfly, but I expect him not to lie to me when asked.

As mentioned upthread we're saving for a mortgage and it's much cheaper for us to live separately in grim house shares so this way we can save faster. He doesn't get paid if he doesn't go in, and we've had serious conversations about his skiving before - it means we're saving less, and means his work reference will worsen so it'll be harder for him to get a job he does like.

Techno gremlin

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TalkativeJim · 28/06/2013 14:10

He skives

He lies to you

He buys crap on gumtree when you're trying to save money...

Sure you want to tie yourself to him financially?

Pancakeflipper · 28/06/2013 14:19

You need a serious talk with him about your concerns before you go on with these commitments or you will always be wondering and looking out for stuff. And that is a tiresome and draining in a relationship.

AbigailSpagibail · 28/06/2013 14:24

I recently had a serious talk with him about being responsible, saving, and finding another job, and he agreed with everything so I thought the matter was resolved... As people have said though, the location tracker could be wrong, and unless I confront him or look through his phone I won't know either way (and I don't want to do that). I'm 95% sure I'm right in my assumptions but having an argument about it won't change anything.

We're not going to be buying any time soon, so I have a while before I have to commit to a mortgage.

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