DSiL, pregnancy and facebook

[notthegoodwife]

My sister-in-law is pregnant with her first child. I know (we are quite close especially on facebook) that she has been trying for some time and I am really pleased for her. I have also been trying for a number of years for our second and have had 2 m/c and various IVF failures all of which she knows. DSiL has now announced her pregnancy on facebook and it feels like every stage (scan pics etc). I never did this with my first pregnancy as I had known it would upset her and felt uncomfortable with this kind of oversharing. I feel quite hurt about her facebook stuff and took the step to delete her news feeds (our last bout of IVF failed last month) as I found it all so upsetting. She has now asked me why I didn't respond to a news thing she posted up about a family party which I missabout ed. How do I respond? I am genuinely happy for her, but feel like it is all being rubbed in my face (which I appreciate is partly me being oversensitive, but why is the onus on me to be the reasonable one?). The problem is I feel quite angry about it,and guess I am being unreasonable, but can't seem to handle these feelings so I am being a bit distant. The other issue (don't want to dripfeed) is that my DH feels enough is enough and we should stop trying now. Thank you if you have managed to read this far.....

[changechangechange]

I'm so sorry for your difficulty ttc. That sounds v hard.

I think you prob need to be honest with her, in a non-blaming way - "I'm sorry, I've hidden your news feed for the time being because I'm finding it really upsetting. I know this is my 'thing' and I wouldn't dream of asking you to stop sharing your pg on my behalf, so I've hidden it for my own sake".

I think she maybe doesn't understand that it's still a huge deal when you're ttc #2 - maybe she thinks because you've already had DC1 that it's okay. It is really lovely of you to have been so considerate when it was the other way round, though.

[TWinklyLittleStar]

As someone who has been trying unsuccessfully for their first for some time - you are being unreasonable about Facebook. Just hide her feed for the time being if you don't like what she's posting. She has a right to bore everyone to tears share her joy.

In real life it would be a shame to lose touch with her. Even though it's difficult at the moment, she managed to overcome her pain during your first pregnancy and I think you owe her and your friendship that, if you possibly can. Again, I do know how hard it is and you have every sympathy.

All of this probably seems a million times worse because your DH wants to stop trying. I can't imagine how horrible that is but it really isn't your SIL's fault. I have no advice about that, except maybe would he consider couples counselling? That could help you both to work through your fertility issues together. Best wishes for the future.

[MrsMelons]

I agree with changechangechange, I think you need tp be honest with her, she isn't really doing anything wrong and unfortunately you cannot expect for her to not discuss the preganancy because of your situation.

My best friend was in the same situation as you and I was worried about telling her of my 2nd pregnancy but actually she was the most excited out of everyone I told. She said that she was always happy for everyone else and loved hearing about the pregnancies, sometimes she went home and cried but she said she would not let her problems interfere with other people's happy news. I am not saying you should also feel like that but I also feel it is sad you are angry about it as it really isn't her fault.

I don't think anyone really understood how hard it was for my friend, she had 1 DC and people seemed to think it was ok and not that big of a deal when they were TTC DC2 as they already had a child. They adopted a 2nd DC in the end.

[mrspaddy]

I firstly understand what you are feeling. I have to say, not related to TTC, I have come off Facebook and it is the best thing I have ever done.

I don't think your SIL will realise that you are hurt as people get so wrapped up in their own lives and are into themselves. I think you cannot, cannot say anything IMO. I would be bright and breezy about the whole thing and say you don't bother looking up FB much as you internet connection is slow lately or something like that.

It depends on your relationship.. you don't want to be accused of being jealous.. I don't think you are jealous by the way.. I would be the same.

[MexicanHat]

I have every sympathy for you OP. I agree with change that people probably will look at you and think how lucky you are to have a child already, they won't understand how you feel unless they're in your position.

It's a hard situation for everyone. My best friend came off facebook because she couldn't handle her SIL putting photos on everything from baby scans to knitted socks on there - my BF found it totally insensitive, her SIL was just genuinely excited and didn't think. I wouldn't say anything to be honest, things can't be unsaid, and we don't know what the future holds, things could be so different this time next year.

[notthegoodwife]

Thanks to you all. I think it is the fact that she hasn't stopped to even think about me has upset me. I think Mrs Paddy's slow internet connection is good idea - I wasn't sure how to explain that I didn't see the info about the family party.

I think the bright and breezy thing is important - but realistically am only going to manage this for short amounts of timeso i think I will have to look at how I manage when we meet etc. I guess no good can come out of explaining how I feel (which a number of you have highlighted) and it does feel a bit self indulgent. I think I also will try and work out how I start to move on. thanks for your responses. I needed a bit of a shake.

[eurozammo]

I agree with Twink - just hide her newsfeed. That is what I do when I can't hack any more baby updates from someone (long term ttcer here).

[badguider]

I would just say about the family party thing - 'oh sorry, I didn't see it' People miss stuff on fb all the time..

If she probes you can always say that you haven't been reading all her posts lately as although you're very happy about her baby news it sometimes makes you feel sad about your situation.

It's telling the truth but without explicitly saying you've hidden her feed (which might feel a bit like a shun to her and that you don't want to stay friends).