Establishing reasonable access

[moonmanic]

Hi,

I've written on here before about my relationship with ex, which I have not yet managed to confront :(

Currently ex still comes round to my house most nights to "help" put DD (who is 2 in August) to bed. I say that in inverted commas because basically what it usually entails is me making the bottle, finding the pjamas, nappies etc - handing it to him while he sits on the sofa. He then puts her into bed and he is off. He comes round at the weekend too.

I am very unhappy about this situation. I feel like he is in my space and I don't really want him here or need him. Everything that needs to be done like food shopping, housework, childcare etc is done by me. I feel happier when he is not round. I want to start implementing tougher access (if tougher is the right word?). I want him to not visit at all during the week. He can have her for the day on either the Saturday or Sunday. He never has her for the night anyway because he refuses to find a place where it would be appropriate for her to stay.

I go to counselling and discussed this with my therapist who said that this new access sounds totally reasonable. The situation as it is is causing me a lot of anxiety and not good for my self esteem. I feel like as he is round all the time I can't get on with my life. For example , I might want people round etc. He has maintained his life from pre - baby days - living in a house with his old uni mates (even though he is 34!), going on nights out - this weekend he is going to Glastonbury while my life has changed completely and am completely tied down. I do feel resentful that he can have his cake and eat it in that he has his old life but can also "play house" with me when it suits him.

The reason I think that I allowed this to happen was because when was pregnant he was very noncommital and I was terrified that he would leave all together and that I would be left totally on my own to look after my baby. So I just let him get away with all sorts of behaviour. I was very passive and just let him come whenever he wanted.

I have made a decision that I am going to set these new ground rules in the next week. But I have always been terrible at confrontation and I know that he is going to kick off. I just can't go on like this anymore.

Thanks for reading

[bigstrongmama]

He sounds like a nob. Why are there so many out there?! Be firm. Remember you are being reasonable, it is up to him whether he wants to be unreasonable or not, don't let him be unreasonable near you though! Have you got someone you could have nearby when you tell him?

Sounds like a good plan to get formal access. Having him take your dd out briefly once during the week as well as taking her out at the weekend (if he will safely take her out) might be an idea. I'm learning not to let my stbxh in the house, still learning unfortunately. It is easy to say, hard to implement when kids need to get changed etc. - seems wrong to leave daddy on the doorstep! It is no good letting him in though, messes with all our heads : /

[Bumpstarter]

So he comes round to say goodnight to his kid? He can do that on the phone... Every night if you wish.

[cestlavielife]

Definitely change the arrangement so he does not come to your house. Let have dc full day on a. Saturday and leave him to get on with it.
He can say goodnight by Skype if you wish. If he wants to have contact it needs to be his contact time and him doing all the child care That means away from your house .