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Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

(744 Posts)
beingmyself Wed 26-Jun-13 14:41:19

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!


LittlePeaPod Mon 01-Jul-13 10:02:59

I find it a little odd the glee that some posters show at kicking someone else, does it make you feel better about yourselves

No one is taking any glee in this tragic situation. Just been very frank with a woman that is not taking responsibility for her actions.

parttimer79 Mon 01-Jul-13 10:05:20

We both developed feelings for each other.

This is what happened with DP and I - and we told our spouses and had time apart, counselling and lived apart and didn't meet the kids until a year after we got together. We knew we had feelings for each other that went beyond friendship, even if we didn't act upon them it still felt like an affair. He was not just my friend, it was what is often called on here an emotional affair.

I still think I was OW and he was OM as we left our spouses to be together. Surely this is the case?

Or do I get to be part of the real woman club now...

BasicallySFB Mon 01-Jul-13 10:06:36

Also had no DC before meeting now-DH, and he had been separated from his exW for many years and had no DC with his then DP.

If there had been children directly involved (ie I had any / D was living with his) then I think I'd have waiting even longer after separating.

I also wanted to know if the 'grass is greener' syndrome was there, or if we did in fact have true feelings... If they're true feelings then they'll wait. I think I'd struggle to trust anyone who I had had an affair with, personally.

And we were honest to our respective partners - that nothing had happened, that the feelings we had may or may not have been 'the real thing', but that the fact we had them indicated all was not well in our then-current relationships. Wasn't an issue with my the-DP - he'd cheated several times when we were together. D's then-DP was hurt but relieved nothing had happened - I didn't know her, but knew some of her friends - I felt enough guit over their relationship breaking down - Christ alone knows how I'd have felt if we'd had an affair. As I was, I didn't tell D about my feelings (though I think he prob knew I had some) until he'd left his DP and told me he loved me.

MarshaBrady Mon 01-Jul-13 10:08:33

A friend did this. But she wasn't married. Met man at work, had an affair, in love and said they'd lie about when they met afterwards so it would be better.

Very young children involved, going for 50:50 residency.

Must admit it was the thought of the wife having half a week contact with her two year old that upset me the most.

I didn't care much about the adults and how they choose to live their lives but my god the sympathy for the mother. I think I reacted too emotionally but was hard to hear.

Lots of talk about how hard it would be for them, the new couple, too.

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 01-Jul-13 10:14:08

Parttimer it is not unusual for feelings to develop between people that are unexpected.
You and Basic handled it well, with dignity and respect for others.
If everyone behaved with some honour then there would be a lot less devastation in families.
I hope op heeds your examples and next time attempts to be a better person than she is right now.

BasicallySFB Mon 01-Jul-13 10:14:40

parttimer79 - yes, I think it probably would have come under the umbrella of 'emotional affair' - but in the three months after my recovery from surgery before he left his P, we only saw each other through work, deliberately, and had no contact outside of that - precisely because I didn't want to be part of an affair.

My mum was the OW - it's not something that sits comfortably with me and I remember as a kid knowing she was having an affair with a married man (my parents were divorced) and being seriously screwed up.

Hence my massive guilt over us falling for each other, despite nothing happening until we'd both separated. I still feel guilty that now-DH fell for me while in a relationship - more guilt than over my own then-DP certainly, who was an arse.

BasicallySFB Mon 01-Jul-13 10:22:10

Also - I'm not trying to suggest DH and I were 'right' or should have been guilt-free - just to point out that when feelings develop (which if course they do) there is a 'lesser of two evils' approach that leads to less devastation than an affair.

LittlePeaPod Mon 01-Jul-13 10:50:41

Op just a thought but maybe you should read how this sort thing can impact on a wife!

beingmyself Mon 01-Jul-13 10:51:02

Agree I would have liked to have done things the way SFB did... But I didn't. Can't change the past but will try and change the future and LEARN from all of this. I am listening

LittlePeaPod Mon 01-Jul-13 10:56:29

Op you still can. Break up with him, live separate lives for a year and if its meant to be then go for it then. After you have honourably separated/divorced your respective partners.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 10:59:46

It's not too late to right the wrongs, is it OP ?

You haven't told anyone yet have you ? So renegotiate the terms of this Brave New World you two lovebirds are heading towards.

Complete your divorces, live apart then resume.

I reckon it will all fall apart in the meantime, but hey-ho, it would have fallen apart anyway. Which I reckon you know is true, deep down and one of the reasons why you are so keen to swallow the bullshit of a proven liar and join him in his rewriting of history.

FrancescaBell Mon 01-Jul-13 11:07:09

If this is all secret, who are these people you talk to, who know his wife and what their relationship was like?

LittlePeaPod Mon 01-Jul-13 11:21:45

And another really sad story but this time it back fired on the OW.

BasicallySFB Mon 01-Jul-13 11:27:39

What littlepea said ^^

You can still change things. You can figure out if it's the Real Thing or something else. You can let your DC recover from the separations before you move on. You can let your respective ex's recover. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. If not, you've lost nothing but kept your, you DC's and the other people's dignity.

Selba Mon 01-Jul-13 23:26:05

" your children will inevitably lose respect for you "
What utter shite

mathanxiety Tue 02-Jul-13 04:15:04

And my question re: childcare was another genuine one about when a man leaves, what do people think he should do re childcare? It's not about the fact he shouldn't leave as that choice has been made.

Are you seriously thinking it would be ok for him to take them from their mother and land them with some childminder?

(Or have you not yet cottoned on to the fact that the childminder he has in mind is you? And do you realise how ballistic his wife will be when she finds out who she has to share her children with?)

You are not in love. You are besotted worse than any horny teenager and you are not doing your thinking with your brain.

I'm not taking that lightly but I don't think the children are in for a life of misery due to our choices
So turn it into an absurdity -- but all of the children here will have their young lives turned upside down because of your choices. All of them will get very familiar with their suitcases and the weekends marked on the calendar. That changes a child's life dramatically in the here and now - which is really the only thing a child has.

When are you going to tell your H the truth?
When is the OM going to tell his wife?

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 02-Jul-13 07:41:52

My generation is probably the first where large numbers of our parents got divorced, therefore I know quite a few people whose parents aren't together anymore. I'd say roughly half are well rounded people able to form normal adult relationships, with genuinely no ill feelings towards their parents. About a quarter have a difficult relationship with one parent (usually the dad); and the other quarter are (emotionally) complete fuck ups.

Saying that all chidden of divorcees are condemned to a live of misery is reductionist and pretty insulting. I know you're trying to give the OP a short hard shock to make her understand the enormity of what she is doing, but pedalling stuff like this isn't exactly helpful for other MNers who have experienced the fall out from affairs and divorce themselves

juneblues Tue 02-Jul-13 08:22:42

On the last post half of children's lives are fucked up when their parents fuck theirs up. Is that not reason enough to think twice about commencing relationships with men and women who already have a partner and children together? Actions have consequences and sometimes those consequences are horrific on the innocent parties, ie the children and partner left behind. It's not just emotional, it's academic under performance of the children, it's the monetary situation, it's a whole load of things which indicate that exta-marital relations are bad for many many children and their parents. Who are the winners out of this? Do the guilty parties really win? Many lose contact with their children, does that make them happier than they were before? Oh please think of our actions on others.

LittlePeaPod Tue 02-Jul-13 08:32:06

Juneblues very well said. There is a new thread on relationships right now. She's a 13 week preganat woman with two little ones. Her DP of 6 years has walked out following an affair and she is left living in one room in her parents house with her children.

Her DP is an complete arse but the OW is just as responsible for the suffering this woman and her children are now going through. I don't care if I get flamed for this but I don't understand how anyone can support any woman that has knowingly been party to destroying other people's lives including those of small children! OP you need to think about the consequences of your actions and do the right thing!

juneblues Tue 02-Jul-13 08:41:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Missbopeep Tue 02-Jul-13 08:44:51

As far as I can see the OP has disappeared.

Not surprising given the bashing here.

I just wonder why on half the MNs threads about separation etc, the argument is 'leave if you are unhappy, your kids will be fine and don't subject them to parents who don't get on' - and other threads where some posters rage at anyone who leaves a marriage.

It would be wonderful if no marriages ended because of the OW or OM but sadly it happens a lot, always has and always will. I think the OP was asking for support- it's her decision and both she and the OM have left their marriages.

Missbopeep Tue 02-Jul-13 08:47:04

June- I'm very sorry for your situation but your anger should be directed at your ex- he walked. No one made him, and no one can take someone away from anyone else if they don't want to go. I hope your life gets better.

juneblues Tue 02-Jul-13 08:48:20

Oh and I forgot, it's not just the families left behind who suffer, there are all those family and friends who are left helping the left behind families to cope with their ruined lives, it must have a terrible affect on them too. Then when those children might turn into quite damaged adults and may not quite be able to parent or become well rounded partners themselves, following their experiences in childhood. The ramifications can be enormous and descend generations. All that just for some sexual gratification!!!

LittlePeaPod Tue 02-Jul-13 08:49:22

Lets not forget she was also trying to blame OMs wife and accusing her of EA to gain sympathy...

juneblues Tue 02-Jul-13 08:54:12

It just seems always about the adults and their immediate happiness. Children have feelings too and in this thread, the children's feelings didn't even get much of a look in at first. Children are entitled to happiness to and when us adults put our feelings above theirs, the result can be disastrous. My husband and that woman are both responsible for our children's despair, it's me left with the job of soothing their broken hearts.

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