Is it really possible to be true to yourself without falling out with people all the time?

[Nonalphamum]

Because I'm finding that it's bloody hard to do so!

Any tips on how to do it?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I am true to myself and can't remember the last time I 'fell out' with someone. In what way do you fall out with people?

[waddlecakes]

Context on your situation would be helpful.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

Depends what your 'true self' is like

[LowLevelWhinging]

Top tip:

you don't have to SAY everything you think

[Nonalphamum]

I'll give a few examples, Funnys.

First example is a mum at my DD's school. Her DD was repeatedly unkind to my DD for several months at school. Nothing major, just low-level stuff, but still not very nice, and it was happening every day. I then decided to go into the school about it, and the two girls' were spoken to. The other girl must have got wind of the fact that I'd spoken to the teacher, and told her mum, and I then got a very irate phone call. I said that I thought whatever was happening needed sorting out at school, by the teacher who was teaching them all day, and the mum went mad at me and has ever since refused to talk to me. She has also done a bit of dividing and conquering and generally makes an unpleasant atmosphere at school pick ups and drop offs.

The other is a long term friend I had who got more and more demanding of me, both time-wise and emotionally, and wanted everything her own way. She could also be quite catty towards me if the mood took her. I decided to keep a distance from the friendship, but then decided it would be fairer to talk to her (nicely!) about how I was feeling and it went down like a lead balloon and now she refuses to talk to me too. Apparently I am over sensitive and not a true friend.

I try to treat others as I'd like to be treated, and I try to do the right thing and the fair thing in situations. But it doesn't really work.

[Lweji]

Do you even wanted to be friends with such people?

You don't have to fall out with everyone, but only keep those you like.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

That's not falling out with people that's refusing to bend to someone else's will who wants their own way on everything or wishes to sail on without being challenged.
You stood up for your beliefs and they try to push theirs on to you and say its unfair of you when you won't bend to their way.
All you have done is provided them an opportunity and they have decided to react this way. Move on and find people who think more like you. These type of people can create a drama in an empty room.

[Nonalphamum]

The problem is, mutual friends of the second friend keep referring to us having a 'falling out' and 'not getting on' when I feel like I tried to do the right thing and she just wasn't interested.

[Nonalphamum]

I had similar at school too! My best friend was very much a drama llama and used to stir up a hornet's nest of trouble for me with people then I'd end up with people falling out with me when I hadn't done anything.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

Ok, well, those two examples are really just unpleasant people. Sadly, you will always come across them and you can't let them rule you. You did the right thing in both cases.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

So say to the mutual friends "as far as I am concerned, we haven't had a 'falling out', I just asked to be treated with some courtesy. I have no control over how she chose to react to that very reasonable request."

[Leavenheath]

I presume your objective in the first example was to stop your child being the victim of unkindnesses at school? Has that been achieved? If so, that's actually all that matters.

The second objective was perhaps to put a stop to unreasonable demands made on you and to stop being in the firing line of snide remarks. It looks like that objective was achieved too.

We have no control over how people think, react and behave. We only have control over ourselves and it is far better to be true to ourselves and achieve our objectives than to put up with unacceptable behaviour towards us or those who depend on us to fight their corner, like children.

You did all the right things and handled both situations with tact, sensitivity and diplomacy. The two people who have reacted badly to that don't care enough about you as an individual to reflect on it and so it's best not to have them in your life.

[Nonalphamum]

I think I'm just worried about being known as someone who is difficult and who falls out with everyone, all the time.

On reflection, though, I think I become friends with far too many people that are out for themselves and aren't nice women...

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Apparently not.

Turns out that myself is a total bitch

[Leavenheath]

Alternatively OP, you'll be regarded as an assertive woman who instead of silently seething and being two-faced, is someone who everyone knows where they stand with her. Some of the women I respect most are those who won't put up with unacceptable treatment, but deal with matters privately and discreetly, refusing to involve others unless asked a direct question about it.

[Nonalphamum]

I like the sound of that Leaven :)

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I see. In the first situation there really wasn't much you could have done about that. The other parent sounds childish and all you can do is keep your distance.

In the second situation I really wouldn't have told your friend why you found her tiresome, I would and have just let friendships drift. Generally nothing is achieved by telling the other person how you feel in these matters.

The best thing to do is where possible surround yourself with mature intelligent people who will be able to cope with the ups and downs of a friendship without behaving like a child.

[Nonalphamum]

I really wish now that I had let the friendship drift. I saw it from the point of view that if someone was ditching me I'd rather know why, so I could work things out with them and so that I didn't feel confused. I think though, like you say, she behaves like a child, so no matter what I'd have done she would have had a hissy fit at me at some point.

[Leavenheath]

There have always been lots of threads on mumsnet from women who've been apparently dumped by friends and are bewildered and clueless about why. Personally, I think it's much kinder to be honest if you want the relatonship to change (as in the OP's case) or end completely.

[something2say]

I don't think you are falling out with people all the time. I think you are sailing through life having to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly and these things happen.

My advice would be, when the things happen, which they do, accept that they are challenging and do some self esteem bolstering. Say to yourself that you are a good person, you do the right thing and you are kind and decent. Repeat repeat repeat. Feel better x

[wonderingagain]

You're not a difficult person, you are a person that holds guilt well. You need to let go of this - people like you are rare and special, they are honest and truthful. You are simply asserting yourself in perfectly acceptable situations.

You should had been more assertive when the problems started happened by telling the little girl off straight away, or by ignoring your friend or making her know she was draining. That's what everyone else does. Nip it in the bud and then you can focus on the people you do get on with.

[Nonalphamum]

When I spoke to the friend I tried to confront she said to me that I can't keep falling out with people, and I have to learn to get on with others. I think she was just saying that as I wouldn't do as she wanted any longer though

[wonderingagain]

She's probably just a bit of a bully. You need to learn that just because you're a nice person it doesn't mean everyone else is too!

[something2say]

So she tried to manipulate you back into line. That says more about her than you x

[Chumble]

nonalphamum I understand your post completely. I find it difficult not to be honest and I don't mean rude! I often think I am odd as very few people get me. I worry about what I have said after the event, how it might have been taken etc and yet I have no control or knowledge of how others minds work.

This seems to be amplified at school as there are so many other agendas and subtexts going on. This is the main area of my life I feel I cannot be true to myself as I have no idea what people thinks as they appear not to be honest and are completely focused on their own kids when talking about anything!