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Someone talk to me emotional affair

(84 Posts)
sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 20:51:05

I found out last year my husband was having an EA whilst I was pregnant.
He kept going out with his friends I must admit I probably did go on at him but he was out all the time I rang him and had a huge row I have two other children who are now 4 & 6.
He threatened to leave me that went off for a week I didn't eat or sleep I worried for my unborn son. He said he couldn't live with me anymore as I was vile basically.
He did leave for a night and then came home the next day still saying he was going packing his stuff and taking off his wedding ring and throwing it at me.

I begged him not to go I couldn't imagine life alone pregnant with small children too. In the end he stayed and said he wanted to make our marriage work.
Everything was going ok until June (he didn't want me to go to his works party in that month)

Instinct told me to check his phone and numerous msgs were swapped with a Dan but I couldn't read the deleted msgs it just showed in message log so I could see what was sent and when.
The messages were swapped after he has already come back a few days after.

I asked who Dan was he said a work colleague (male) I only suspected something as a Danielle had messaged him on Facebook a few months previous around the time of the problems.
I rang the number and she was a total cow on the phone told me nothing really so didn't help.
He admitted they had an attraction but it went no further than that? And they both were having relationship probs and she was just a shoulder to cry on.
I made him leave his job at that point only because an incident had happened a year before.

The first incident was a couple he made friends with at work the girl was 19 and I thought as he was friends with them as a couple it was fine.
They talked on Facebook for months he commented on her photos just sarcastic comments really but maybe hidden flirting who knows?

Then in June 2011 he didn't come back on time from work and said he worked late when I asked him.
This girl messaged me the next day saying he had gone to her house after work saying he needed the toilet he knew her boyfriend wasn't there as he just left him at work.
She told me she thought he was attracted to her as why would he go around when he was alone for a few hours ?
After I foud out he swore he didn't like her but she was nuts and loved herself I believed him.

All this has been eating me up inside he no longer works there and has been nothing but nice to me but does keep accusing me of looking at other men which he never used to.
I asked him last night of he liked the first girl and to tell me the truth he said he did Said he liked her tattoos! But wouldn't of acted on it!

I feel like a total mug he did admit he thought something better may be out there but now he knows he did wrong and asks me to move on and stop bringing up the past.

I don't know why he did any of it I'm relatively attractive I think ,so hugely dented my self esteem.

I would love to know peoples opinions on this if he had the chance with the first girl would he have taken it? Also would he have left me for that girl last year? He swears that wasn't the plan he was leaving because of our problems.
Could u forgive ? I'm 26 I don't want to live this life in regret of staying with a liar who I can't trust. He's so nice and friendly no one would suspect him to be untrustworthy

I need honest opinions pls

sweetness86 Wed 26-Jun-13 09:42:24

I have not slept much. I have spoken to him on the phone this morning at work he sounds all chirpy and being nice.
I can't help feeling this guilt that im planning to leave him and he's doesn't know anything.
I won't discuss it with him till I've got a plan my middle son is at nursery this afternoon and the next two days. I'm planning to really sort this out when I have sometime to myself to think.
I feel guilty though I can't help it is that weird?

tightfortime Wed 26-Jun-13 09:48:20

Not weird at all.

The 'guilt' comes from being a 'nice person' who hates keeping a secret or going behind someone's back. But he has been doing that to you for years. Difference is, he didn't feel guilty.

But this is the calm before the storm, before he knows. Until he has to know, stay quiet and be normal a spossible, while doing all your preparation work as getting away from an abusive partner is often the time they are most volitile/persuasive/scary.

sweetness86 Wed 26-Jun-13 09:55:22

Thank you I am not saying anything to him I'm going to act normal as shallow as it sounds he gets paid next week I need to hold out for that as I will need to put some by till I sort out my finances.
I feel very deceitful for how I'm acting , my Mum is visiting in an hour I'm going to tell her I don't know what she will say.

tightfortime Wed 26-Jun-13 09:59:59

Tell her everything and remember, he's been deceitful here; not you

tightfortime Wed 26-Jun-13 10:00:18

Show her this post and go from there if it's tricky

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 26-Jun-13 10:06:16

Reading your posts following from your first was shocking. Please get out while you can still walk. With 3 little ones it doesn't seem to me you can risk your safety staying with this man. It is not being fake or shallow or treacherous to figure out an escape from a man who treats you like he has. Marital rape? Threats? Temper? Smiling Mr Nice Guy to the rest of the world. Don't worry about people being surprised by you leaving, bullies like him put on this phoney exterior for workmates and drinking buddies. What do they know about how he treats you. We believe you.

sweetness86 Wed 26-Jun-13 10:12:13

Thank you DDRB and TFT

I will let you know what she says I cant act for another week as it is because of the money situation.
So glad I own the car so he can't have that I'm so worried I know the shit will hit the fan soon and I have to act normal.

Coming on here has been an eye opener to what I've put up with for a long time.

tightfortime Wed 26-Jun-13 10:13:55

The eye opener is tough alright. I found MN after all mine happened, just wish I'd found it sooner...

Bide your time until next week but be careful, he already senses something is up and playing nice. This won't last.

sweetness86 Wed 26-Jun-13 10:23:36

You are right TFT. My friend who is a tarot reader did my cards yesterday for the first time in years all the bad cards came up it was the worst reading I've ever had telling me to be cautious something bad was coming.
Im not into spiritual things that much I did it as a one off for some guidance.
My friend said it was a negative reading and to be careful etc does not fill me with confidence but what will be will be.

Will post back later if I can thanks again.

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