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Someone talk to me emotional affair

(84 Posts)
sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 20:51:05

I found out last year my husband was having an EA whilst I was pregnant.
He kept going out with his friends I must admit I probably did go on at him but he was out all the time I rang him and had a huge row I have two other children who are now 4 & 6.
He threatened to leave me that went off for a week I didn't eat or sleep I worried for my unborn son. He said he couldn't live with me anymore as I was vile basically.
He did leave for a night and then came home the next day still saying he was going packing his stuff and taking off his wedding ring and throwing it at me.

I begged him not to go I couldn't imagine life alone pregnant with small children too. In the end he stayed and said he wanted to make our marriage work.
Everything was going ok until June (he didn't want me to go to his works party in that month)

Instinct told me to check his phone and numerous msgs were swapped with a Dan but I couldn't read the deleted msgs it just showed in message log so I could see what was sent and when.
The messages were swapped after he has already come back a few days after.

I asked who Dan was he said a work colleague (male) I only suspected something as a Danielle had messaged him on Facebook a few months previous around the time of the problems.
I rang the number and she was a total cow on the phone told me nothing really so didn't help.
He admitted they had an attraction but it went no further than that? And they both were having relationship probs and she was just a shoulder to cry on.
I made him leave his job at that point only because an incident had happened a year before.

The first incident was a couple he made friends with at work the girl was 19 and I thought as he was friends with them as a couple it was fine.
They talked on Facebook for months he commented on her photos just sarcastic comments really but maybe hidden flirting who knows?

Then in June 2011 he didn't come back on time from work and said he worked late when I asked him.
This girl messaged me the next day saying he had gone to her house after work saying he needed the toilet he knew her boyfriend wasn't there as he just left him at work.
She told me she thought he was attracted to her as why would he go around when he was alone for a few hours ?
After I foud out he swore he didn't like her but she was nuts and loved herself I believed him.

All this has been eating me up inside he no longer works there and has been nothing but nice to me but does keep accusing me of looking at other men which he never used to.
I asked him last night of he liked the first girl and to tell me the truth he said he did Said he liked her tattoos! But wouldn't of acted on it!

I feel like a total mug he did admit he thought something better may be out there but now he knows he did wrong and asks me to move on and stop bringing up the past.

I don't know why he did any of it I'm relatively attractive I think ,so hugely dented my self esteem.

I would love to know peoples opinions on this if he had the chance with the first girl would he have taken it? Also would he have left me for that girl last year? He swears that wasn't the plan he was leaving because of our problems.
Could u forgive ? I'm 26 I don't want to live this life in regret of staying with a liar who I can't trust. He's so nice and friendly no one would suspect him to be untrustworthy

I need honest opinions pls

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 25-Jun-13 21:02:29

When someone tells you to 'stop bringing up the past', consider the present and your future.

When a partner you've had worries about starts acting suspicious about who you see or talk to, that could be him projecting his own guilt.

The energy you must expend on worrying about what he's up to could probably power your house for a year. 'Our' problems indeed - how about questioning whether the 'relationship problems' he uses as an excuse to contact other females actually stem from him, er, contacting other women? He doesn't cry on the shoulder of male colleagues only the young attractive female ones I'm guessing?

I'm sorry, I know you have said you have three small children and it is like staring into the abyss but you need to think very carefully how committed he is.

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 21:19:14

Thank you Donkey for replying I feel so alone in this I wan to forget about it but I can't I feel he's telling me half the story but sounds so believable I don't know if I'm imagining it.
He says he loves me now and it's been a year , i has to make him leave his job because I didn't trust him I feel like a right plonker now .

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 21:22:41

You have no trust in him, and for very good reason

You would be better moving on and finding someone that isn't a disrespectful liar who makes you feel bad about yourself

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 21:33:34

Do you really think that ? I discuss this with friends they say hes such a good father/at least he works hard and other things that make me feel like I'm moaning about nothing.
He has good qualities but he's also a liar and always has been.
Back in Feb I went out for one night with my MUM to the pub he was meant to be coming but went to the pub instead after work so he smashed up my stuff. Kicked the living room door off it's hinges I was shell shocked he had never done that before either he was drunk.
I threw him out I had to physically push him out the door. The next day he said if I didn't take him back he would kill himself.
So I did I'm a mug I know that but I feel for the kids they do really love their Dad and I would feel to blame.

Xales Tue 25-Jun-13 21:36:39

How do you know he was out all the time with his friends when he was having the EA? Sorry I think he was with the person he had an EA with.

He was out all the time leaving you with 2 young kids. He had an EA. He has exchanged a multitude of deleted messages with a young woman. He has popped to her house knowing she was alone (why could he not use the office toilets). He lied saying he had worked late when he had actually gone there. He disappeared off for a night. He has said you are vile and thrown his wedding ring at you.

Why wouldn't you have problems in a relationship with a selfish bastard out all the time and treating you like that?

He accuses you of looking at other men. This is deflection of guilt. It is something that is apparently done lots.

Even if he is being honest now (I doubt it) the damage was done by his selfish actions, his nasty behaviour and him being untrustable.

He has done nothing to address any of this from the sounds of it and just wants it all swept under the carpet so he isn't bothered.

Unless this is all dealt with it will turn you into a hollow shell who has wasted her life on an untrustworthy liar.

Sorry sad

Xales Tue 25-Jun-13 21:38:56

Massive X post. shock at that second one. Is there any more violence like that since or have you behaved and been too scared to go out and have a life since?

cozietoesie Tue 25-Jun-13 21:39:34


That time your stuff but some day it will likely be you. Please stand back and take a long hard look at this relationship. It's no good for you.

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 21:40:13

I know what your say

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 21:42:08

A good father doesn't keep his kid's mother on the back foot. He doesn't make her feel bad about herself

Sure he has some good qualities, or you wouldn't have looked at him in the first place. Being honest is a fairly basic requirement of a decent human being though, isn't it ?

if your friends don't buy into that, they either have shit partners of their own and are in denial or you need to make new friends

he could also play "good daddy" whilst no longer in a relationship with you

threats to kill himself, eh ?

how pathetic, and how silly that you fell for it

nobs like this don't kill tmemselves, they wouldn't be so considerate

it's emotional blackmail so he gets you back where he wants and pandering to his ego and blaming yourself for his inadequacies

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 21:44:51

I know what your saying is true he says he never met up with last years EA outside work. I know a few times when i rang him when he was out his friends were in the back ground.
When he left that night he didn't answer any of my calls and I sent a text saying I know everything what's been happening. I didn't know anything really but one of his collegues rang me asking how i was as they heard he had left an had been bad mouthing me at work so thats all i meant with the text . When he came back the next day he looked white and was like 'what do you know then'
I wonder now if that message scared him to death that I might know something else? I don't know

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 21:45:12

I missed the violence

love, that was a warning to you

a little taster of what is store for you if you go against his wishes

is this a good father ? a good role model ?

really ?

I think you are better than that

Xales Tue 25-Jun-13 21:46:45

You do know.

Don't you.

That is why you are posting.

Because you don't want to admit it but deep down you know.

cozietoesie Tue 25-Jun-13 21:49:12

..... he looked white and was like 'what do you know then' .....

I'm sorry sweetness. I think he's been having one or more full blown affairs and not an EA at all. For whatever difference that makes.

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 21:49:18

AF I know your so right he wouldn't of done it I am so naive I have been with him ten years I was blind to his lies because he acts so nice all the time.
I sometimes think its all been a lie and he wasn't who I thought. I doubt I will move on but can I still get rid even though it's a year down the line? I should of acted then I think I've left it to late ?
He now only works with men that's the only way I could relax its so pathetic

Xales Tue 25-Jun-13 21:51:20

You can leave when ever you want. No one can force you to stay in a relationship.

You have tried. There is not fault in that. There is no fault in admitting you cannot get beyond what happened.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 21:51:25

Love, you can do what you like

Don't ask us, and don't ask him

This is your life and you don't have to stay in a relationship that no longer meets your needs

You are an important person in your own right and you will be a better mother for taking control of your own destiny and not accepting shoddy treatment by an inadequate man x

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 21:52:39

Reading what I've written I know what I would say to someone else but when your in it yourself you don't realise what's happening things snowball.
As an outsider looking in I know what i would tell someone else to do.
I'm glad I've been validated on here I needed to hear it.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 21:52:46

Yes, he has brought you that low

That you can only rest easy that he works with men

But what about the girl in the pub, the corner shop, the offy etc etc

bbqsummer Tue 25-Jun-13 21:54:13

He's a violent liar who you need to get out of your and your childrens' lives.

You're 26, attractive and honest. Unfortunately you suffer fools and are scared of the alternative.

Don't be. It's fun. Hard work but your life right now is harder. You rightly don't want to live with this threatening imbecile shagging around under your nose. It's no example to set to your children and no life for you.

Be strong. Be firm. Be bloody. Be bold. Check out what you will be entitled to financially, see the CAB people, get your free half an hour with a solicitor and get the divorce ball rolling.

You don't spend one single further minute with a person who kicks doors off hinges.

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 22:01:16

I'm so glad I posted I'm scared of the next step but emotionally I've left the relationship a while back. This will eat away at me , maybe some can move on and forgive but I'm not one of those people.
Thank you for being honest with me writing it all down has really helped my clarity on it as I've never done that before . What an idiot I have been.

Xales Tue 25-Jun-13 22:03:22

You are not an idiot.

You are an honest, caring person who has tried her best.

Unfortunately that was wasted on the person you gave it all too.

You will be an idiot if you don't use this wake up to create a better life for you.

Can I also suggest a trip to an STI clinic. Just to be on the safe side.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 22:04:04

You don't have to forgive, love. I wouldn't. Why the hell would you, he has treated you appallingly.

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 22:07:05

Thank you I really don't know if I'm in denial but what's the likelihood he slept with her?
I am scared to tell him he told me a few weeks back if I met anyone else he would kill them and then me to. He won't react well to this at all he's completely reliant on me he's quite immature he's never paid a

sweetness86 Tue 25-Jun-13 22:07:41

Phone bill (sorry that posted by mistake)

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