Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Post-split: Evidence of cheating while we were together -WWYD?

(62 Posts)
MsWinnieBaygo Tue 25-Jun-13 16:24:11

A bit of advice/common sense needed please - I know this issue is nothing in comparison to what some of you have had to go through as me & exDP weren't married, no DCs, only together for a year (meant to be exclusive) and split up - at his instigation - a few months ago.

He dumped me a few months ago - I was upset though deep down knew it was for the best and it wasn't going to go anywhere. I wanted to go no contact but about 6 weeks after finishing things he gets in contact with a friendly message, still texts and emails a few times a week and states that he misses me, regrets his decision etc. I have ignored the last couple of messages as telling him I don't want to be friends seems to make no difference and I'm past the stage where I want to get back with him. I did think we could actually maybe now be friends but ...

I idly googled a user name last night that he uses for something else and came across a least 5 adult sex & webcamming sites that he has been on since 2010 - recently using them and evidence seems to indicate that he was using them whilst we were together. They are definitely him and have some pretty disgusting and identifiable photos and videos of him. Some profiles state he has a girlfriend so he only interested in webcamming and sexy chat other profiles state that he is single and looking for adult meets.

Obviously what he has done/is doing since we split up is none of my business but it hurts and angers me that he was doing this when we were together and spinning me a pack of lies. Especially as he is trying so hard now to be my 'friend' with his nicey nice emails and texts

He's in the past, I see him for the pathetic twat that he is, I do pretty much believe that this is as a result of his issues rather than any reflection on me. I guess my question is, do I:

A) Confront him now via email or text, with or without screenshots of the information that I have, that he is a lying cheating creep who used webcams while with me and god knows what else
B) As above, though wait until he contacts me with a text or email again first, which I'm pretty sure the pathetic player will do.
C) Do nothing and ignore and delete any future attempts at contact from him

If A or B - how do I do this without seeming like a crazy psycho Internet stalker?

I'm not wanting an apology or to listen to any of the bullshit that comes out of his mouth. I want him to know I know but have my dignity intact. Not even sure why I want him to know that I know. I just can't believe he treated me like such an idiot and I put my trust in him

Thanks for reading and cast your votes people - option A,B or C?

C. You've split up, it's irrelevant now though I totally understand it would still be very upsetting for you.

It's just extra evidence he is a twat and be happy you aren't with him.

MsWinnieBaygo Tue 25-Jun-13 16:31:40

I guess I know deep down that C is the sensible option it just fucks me off when he sends his pathetic friendly texts/emails as if I'm still an option for him. Sensible = not respond & have him wondering why I've disappeared. The emotional side of me is wanting to let him know exactly why I want nothing more to do with him!

Heart verses head I guess which is why I wanted to see what others thought/would do.

Thanks for responding.

Madlizzy Tue 25-Jun-13 16:33:50

C definitely. He's not worth a single moment of your time. If he does text you, send one final one telling him not to contact you again and then completely disengage.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 16:35:43


and get yourself an sti check

orangina Tue 25-Jun-13 16:36:50

C. And ignore his texts etc. It will drive him mad. Which will be slightly pleasing for you......

Can totally understand why you might want to "understand", but you never ever will, so you need to cut your losses and enjoy your freedom from this man!

orangina Tue 25-Jun-13 16:37:07

Yes, agree w AF, get yourself checked out.

MsWinnieBaygo Tue 25-Jun-13 16:39:19

So bloody tempting to tell him why I want no further contact with him though!

If I'm not going to let on that I know, it's better that I just delete & ignore as I know from previous experience with him that telling him I want no contact doesn't make the slightest bit of difference with him. Unless I tell the disgusting arse this time why I don't want contact.

Argh, decisions. But so far 2/2 for option C.

MsWinnieBaygo Tue 25-Jun-13 16:42:36

Oh sorry, cross posts with a few of you. I don't really feel a need to 'understand' as I don't think no matter what he says I will and I do believe its as a result of his own fucked-upness rather than anything to do with me. I think he'd do this no matter who he was with. I just have a burning desire to let him know what a disgusting lying twat he is!

Will probably be water off a ducks back though so C it is I guess

And yes, STI check will be booked.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Tue 25-Jun-13 16:45:05

Nah - I'd send him one last message. 'Google x name then fuck off with being friends you twat. Any further contact from you will be treat as harassment'

Very satisfying smile

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 16:48:33

I think if it is going to be too much temptation to just go silent, I recommend something like chip says

"Google is my friend, and you are not. Now fuck off or I will be sending a link to your boss"

That could be very satisfying indeed (and hopefully he will shit in his dirty undercrackers)

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 16:49:13

insert boss/mum/new girlfriend/whatever smile

MsWinnieBaygo Tue 25-Jun-13 18:19:44

No doubt if I mention his mum/boss etc he will accuse me of threatening him and think I'm spiteful and this absolve himself in his own head of any wrong doing

Am equally loathe to mention I googled him as that would make him think I am a crazy Internet stalker and/or still give a shit about him.

Kind of my default I have no option but C grin

I did get emails to both my work and personal email address from him with just a link. Account had obviously been hacked but I could see the other addressees it had been sent to - all with female names - some normal names others bigsexyblond@yahoo etc. He told me at the time he had no idea who any of these people were, they were obviously spambots and swore he didn't know any of them

I have recently had my own email account hacked and now know that any spam link is emailed to those that you have sent emails to or are in your email contact list. How I laugh at my gullibility - hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I guess I could say I've been emailed the information (thus he'd hopefully assume it was by one of the other women who received the hacked spam emails) - though it seems a bit hypocritical to confront a liar by telling lies of my own and would probably only complicate matters.

Fucking prick grin

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 18:22:24

Stick with (c) then

Don't give him any ammunition at all, give him nothing ....complete radio silence

that'll spook him

JulietteMontague Tue 25-Jun-13 18:27:21

Who cares what he thinks, you will no longer be accepting his mails and texts.

Option C, with the message of 'I know everything, do not contact me again.' Set up an email rule to block him, get into the habit of deleting his texts without reading. Ignore.

MsWinnieBaygo Tue 25-Jun-13 18:33:52

Yep, C it is then. Will decide when the next text/email comes as it whether or not to ignore or state when Juliette says then ignore. Juliette's statement lets him know I know but without saying what,how etc.

Thanks everyone.

First relationship after my divorce aswell - hopefully they aren't all like this nowadays!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 25-Jun-13 18:39:31

I'd pick 'C'. Block, ignore.

He doesn't exactly put himself out at present, just relies on the lazy modern way of text this, e-mail that. If you cut all communication and go no-contact, he may just do you a favour and vanish. If you raise the question of what he was doing behind your back, it'll just prolong the farce of him acting innocent, insulting your intelligence.

TeeBee Tue 25-Jun-13 18:43:39

Hmmm, definitely C. Sounds like someone I know OP, do you live on the south coast?

MsWinnieBaygo Tue 25-Jun-13 18:45:29

No, not southcoast Tee - opposite end of the country. Sigh that there is a lot more than one of these fuckers about.

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Jun-13 18:48:42

Oh I wouldn't do C! I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

I would pick the worst, most incriminating, most like-him photo and wait until he writes, then email back, "You really have underestimated me. Don't contact me again."

MsWinnieBaygo Tue 25-Jun-13 18:58:28

Argh, the anger is starting to rise in me know. What about a response like this when he next gets in contact?

'I've been told everything and know exactly what you were up to while we were together. You did nothing but repeatedly lie to me even when you swore you were telling the truth. I'm not friends with deceitful scumbags like yourself - do not contact me ever again'

WhoNickedMyName Tue 25-Jun-13 19:03:36

C... And no message.

Just delete and ignore, then work hard on getting him out of your system, which he clearly isn't yet if you are 'idly googling' him. Start by changing your number and blocking his email address.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Jun-13 19:10:44

It's too long and not punchy enough. Whittle it down to something even more cutting.

PasswordProtected Tue 25-Jun-13 19:29:13

Change your mobile number, if you can, otherwise block him and don't check your phone every 5 minutes.
And repeat over and over: "I am well rid of that worthless idiot!"

MsWinnieBaygo Tue 25-Jun-13 19:34:08

I can't change my number or block on this phone - can block email & whatsapp though. Am way beyond the stage of checking phone every 5 minutes thankfully - have moved on a lot since the early days of the break-up. Omnivorously not completely though if I was still googling!

Is the below shorter and more to the point?:

I know everything & you lied repeatedly whilst we were an item. I'm not friends with deceitful cheats - never contact me again.

Thinking what to write in a text is already giving the fucker headspace he doesn't deserve. Maybe completely ignoring will have the greater impact on him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now