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Hugs and kisses

(11 Posts)
Drhamsterstortoise Tue 25-Jun-13 15:26:43

Just thinking alot about my own upbringing today.My parents both came from families where no affection was shown.One of my parents was neglected and the other had been sexually abused by a family friend.I don't ever remember a hug or a kiss from either of them and they certainly wouldn't have received one from their parents.Its sad isn't it.I am extremely affectionate with my own girls.I just wonder was it very normal back then to not show affection....I'm doing a lot of soul searching at the moment and a lot of thinking about my own relationships with people.Always found it hard to form close friendships.Seem to make friends easily but fall out of contact with them.Have friends I see from time to time but that's it really.Wonder am I depending too much on dp and seem to seek approval from others too.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 25-Jun-13 15:32:42

You are very insightful, and it sounds like you're asking all the right questions.

Have you ever had counselling? Would you consider it?

Drhamsterstortoise Tue 25-Jun-13 15:51:33

Yes I have.I had two or three sessions.The counsellor just wasn't right for me.I think she was just a very nice lady.I have a friend who felt the same way about her.Am going to look for another one though.Went to her when my first dd was born as the same issues had been playing on my mind.Now dd2 is here and she is as beautiful and perfect as her sister and I just want everything to be right for them.I'm pretty confident I'm doing a good job so far though.Dd 1 is happy and clever and funny.She skips and whistles and is a bundle of joy.Dd2 -(who is still only tiny) feeds a lot and sleeps a lot and is now beginning to smile a lot and I hope she never stops.They bring so much joy to my life.I need to sort out the issues with myself and dp and when dd2 is a little bigger I need to find some time for my own interests so I'm not sitting here soul searching on mumsnet!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 25-Jun-13 15:58:58

I'm glad to hear you are searching for another counsellor. Shopping around for counsellors is perfectly acceptable, you know. You could even line up 2 or 3 introductory session with different counsellors and settle for whichever one seems the best fit.

What issues are there with you and your DP?

nitrox Tue 25-Jun-13 16:11:03

I feel the same. sad

I don't remember hugs, kisses, praise or any major interaction with me when I was a child. My parents split up when I was 12 and my dad took to being out all the time, and my mum was so wrapped up in her new man that I wasn't a priority.

Since then I have always felt like I needed approval from others.

I also make friends very easily but struggle if they are too full on and want to do lots of things. In fact, my best mate is a married man, who's family I also am friends with and it works well for us as we get on great, and there isn't the pressure all the time as I have found with female friends. The stigma attached to male > female friendships means we don't meet up all the time or go for weekends away.

I just turned 30 (not sure how old you are?) and I found that I have been soul searching too. Unfortunately I've just become very bitter about a lot of things instead of finding any answers. I'm bitter that I wasn't shown affection more and reassurance. I had a very good upbringing, holidays twice a year, nice things, my family were fairly well off, and I know my mum feels very guilty about a lot of things, but the damage is done now sad.

Are you soul searching for a reason?

Sorry to go on about myself, just thought it might help if someone else feels the same as you.

Drhamsterstortoise Tue 25-Jun-13 16:21:53

Hi nitrox.Pretty similar background so.Also well off and plenty of holidays.Parents also split although I was older at the time.She took to the drink and had an affair and left.We are pretty close in age too by the way.Lots of arguments with dp and a new baby have led to the soul searching.Maybe too much time on my hands today.Older dd with grandparents today

Drhamsterstortoise Tue 25-Jun-13 16:28:15

And yes to the feeling guilty thing too.As you said ... The damage has been done.I see it with my siblings too.All having difficulty forming lasting and loving relationships.We are all aware of it though and very close to each other

Drhamsterstortoise Tue 25-Jun-13 16:34:42

Hotdamn-the main issues are that I feel he puts himself first a lot and that he can be quite inconsiderate of my feelings.I end up becoming frustrated when we argue as I feel I'm not getting my point across and usually end up crying

nitrox Tue 25-Jun-13 18:17:20

Sorry you are having a bad time, not sure how to help you apart from saying I think I know how you feel.

Having a baby must be a very stressful time, I've not got children yet so I don't know how to help in that area. Is it possible you could have post natal depression? or maybe your partner is just a selfish twunt that is making a lot of things worse for you.

My sister didn't seem as affected as me, but interestingly we both live away from home, me around 150 miles away, and she lives in Australia. Neither of us are bothered for living close by and where I have always found it easy to form relationships, I don't feel that I ever truly 'let go'. My sister hasn't ever had a long term relationship yet, and I wonder if she is affected by it too.

Time on your hands is never good..! If I have too much time I get all miserable and inevitably end up looking at my past to try to establish why I'm so unhappy with things. Keeping busy keeps me sane and stops me thinking too much.

I also get upset very easily, but I'm a very confident and independant person. I wasn't always like this though, I've 'hardened' to life, which I can't decide if that's good or bad.

Anyhow, not sure if this is helping or not. But have you thought about a visit to the doctors, or even filling up the day more to try and stop the thoughts?

What is the connection between your partner being selfish and your parents lack of affection? Do you resent him because you think he will treat your child the same as you were treated perhaps?

G x

Drhamsterstortoise Tue 25-Jun-13 19:32:34

It's nice to hear from someone with a similar story.I don't think it's pnd to be honest.I'm not finding the baby part stressful.V easy labour and v easy baby.Older girl is great too.Its my partner not being around v much and when he is being grumpy, which I find difficult.He works away and is also training for an ironman.Keeping busy is definitely the key.I usually am v busy but had the day pretty much to myself and a sleeping baby.Tomorrow will be better!!Thanks for the chat.

nitrox Tue 25-Jun-13 22:33:31

No worries, hope things improve..

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