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Can I forgive this much deceit?

(708 Posts)
alphacourse Tue 25-Jun-13 06:45:07

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

ProphetOfDoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:03:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alphacourse Mon 30-Sep-13 21:36:59

I hadn't thought I had - but now I am thinking about it there are changes. DC2 started nursery 2 mornings a week last week. I started my counselling sessions today for myself. I start my masters in a week and a half. I danced until 2am Fri night. Got hair extensions. Lots of trips/nights out planned. Deposit on house. Managed to get DC3 to take the odd bottle. It is a start. I still melt a bit when he sends the emails, and the "God, you are so beautiful" texts. The emails are full of our plans for retirement and how he misses our sunday routines and fun etc. But I try and put my MN hat on and remember "actions not words". I keep trying to list in my head the things I love about him, then discount them as bollocks one by one: loyalty, protective, family man. That helps, as I end up thinking "well - what CAN he offer me?". Fake it til you make it. He is def starting to panick!

Wellwobbly Tue 01-Oct-13 08:16:51

Yes, change does happen.

And one thing al anon talks consistently about, is letting go and patience.

You will only let him back in your life when 1. he demonstrates he is looking at himself in therapy (my H claims this all the time but no evidence of change, his behaviour is still all my fault) and 2. he puts his ££ where his mouth is, preferably in a binding contract called marriage.

Seriously Alpha, I am SO GRATEFUL that a judge will be telling a man who doesn't want me or that contract to exist because I am now highly inconvenient to him, how he is going to behave and what he is going to pay. The only thing that bullies fear is bigger bullies. And the legal system (because marriage is a legal contract) is backed by men with jails.

alphacourse Tue 01-Oct-13 08:56:36

Luckily I am better off NOT being married as I own a 2 bed flat which I rent out. He doesn't own anything. One bonus!

He is going to therapy - but, as our joint counsellor said, an hour a week isn't enough. He needs group therapy and anger management as well. But life is calmer without him here. No walking on egg shells. I can't see, at the minute, why I would want that back. That doesn't mean I am ready to move on totally and let him go emotionally...but it is baby steps.

alphacourse Fri 04-Oct-13 14:02:17


2 things......

Firstly - I can't get the house at the moment as I have a CCJ against me apparently. First I knew about it! It would appear that my mail has been going missing hmm

Secondly - just got a letter through from neurology. Apparently my EEG showed sharp waves and transients over the left temporal region which are suspicious and provide some support for the liability to focal epilepsy.

Anybody any idea what that means?

This is shit. How much more shit can I have heaped on me?!

Jux Fri 04-Oct-13 17:32:44

I don't know anything about the scans, I'm afraid. The CCJ - you don't know what it's for? I had one for something I had paid but which their records were wrong. I could prove I'd paid it so (eventually) it was scrubbed from the face of the Universe; took a while though.

I have also had post nicked by a mad old bat who wanted the flat I was in for her granddaughter, so went through the communal mailbox every morning. I caught her at it once, but didn't trust that to make any difference to her, so rang all utilities, credit card cos, bank, etc, explained and had mail addressed to work.

How is your mail going missing? It is illegal for someone to take post which is addressed to someone else, I believe?

alphacourse Sat 05-Oct-13 10:38:32

My guess is that he hid the mail to make things tricky for me to leave him. Can't prove it though. It was for something that is in my name but he always paid for. I have filled in a form for court asking for the judgement to be set aside as I didn't receive the original summons. I can but hope. Makes things really hard for me now though!

Jux Sat 05-Oct-13 11:08:58

I didn't want to suggest it, but I agree with you.

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