Alone - just got dumped

[TheEarlOf]

Using the word dumped doesn't sound quite the right word, sounds very teenagery but essentially that's it. It's a fairly long-term relationship c.5 years but the only one I've ever been in.

Apparently it's not my fault, it's just a life-change that i'm basically not compatabile with. He still loves me but doesn't wnat to be in a relatioship with me and will still be there to support me (I have some 'issues').

I feel lost, I don't know what to do. Help. Suggestions. I'm stuck. I'm crying evrywhere, all over my laptop (and not good tears like the strangers kidness thread). I have a important meetig and big dinner tomorrow and so much to do but I can't do anything. Ah. (Am I just being pathetic?)

[CurlyFox]

I'm sorry to hear this I'll your hand until someone wiser comes along

[deliasmithy]

No you're not being pathetic, you're grieving.
Give yourself some slack this evening, watch you favourite tv show, have a glass if you drink, etc etc. Please don't be harsh on yourself x

[TheEarlOf]

Thank you CurlyFox. He's just said 'it's me not you'....Why doesn't he realise that that doesn't help!

[TheEarlOf]

'We can still be BFFs'. What?! (sorry for the live updates it's just I have very few close friends in real life and hey the internet's anonymous)

[KnittedWaffle]

You're not being pathetic, especially if you didn't see it coming.
I know he said he'll be there for you but you should probably keep contact to a minimum not at all preferably until YOU are ready to have that sort of relationship with him otherwise it blurs the boundaries and won't help you to get over him and move on emotionally.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You are entitled to feel however you feel and cry as much as you need to.
Hugs to you

[Betrayedbutsurvived]

You'll be fine, I promise. I'd strongly advise you to keep contact to the barest minimum at least for now, seeing or speaking to him will not help. Get yourself something to look forward to, a holiday, shopping trip, nice hairdo, anything you'll enjoy. Take each day as it comes, and in a few weeks time you'll be thinking he's done you a favour.

[Roundtheruggedrocks]

I finished from a relationship of 5 years a few years ago and the initial feeling is unbearable. The only way I coped was in the first 24 hours (denial/questions etc) accept that it's going to be hell, that you wlll not be able to control your thoughts, that it is totally out of your control, that your brain will be presenting you with all sorts of fears about what will happen and who will say what... you obsess over big picture stuff (like was he my soulmate? Is he seeing someone else?) to small details (like does he know that last week when I was off with him/didn't want sex, that it was because I was tired and not because I didn't love him? Maybe I should text him and let him know?)

No... none of this. Accept the first 24 hours is going to be hell and take a sleeping pill. Sleep tonight, wake up tomorrow morning, feel awful again, but acknowledge to yourself in a general sense that your survival in life (ie this big dinner/work tomorrow) is more important at the moment and you will deal with it when you get back.

Survive tomorrow. Text people, talk on here, let out all your random thoughts, release them.

Then the next few days, distraction, distraction, distraction until you can talk, talk, talk about it. Make sure you get equal amounts of both.

[CurlyFox]

I agree I don't think you should see him at all you need time for you to heal. I hope everything goes ok tomorrow

[TheEarlOf]

I definitely didn't see it coming. Stepping back from it, which is a bit difficult at this precise moment, it's probably for the best. I have been having doubts but I wanted to make it work (and i thought they were only doubts on my part). I also think I'm scared of the future :(

[TheEarlOf]

I don't think I can go in tomorrow at this moment. I want to take like 5 sleeping tablets and just sleep thorugh th ewhole day and night and next day and night

[TheEarlOf]

thanks roundtheruggedrocks. I have noone to talk to, he was the only one I talked to.

I have sometimes overwhelming other issues and he was the only person i talked to. I don't talk to my parents in that way nor my sister and I don't have any close friends. I've also just finished a session of counselling and have long months of nothing stretching in front of me.

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

it's probably for the best. I have been having doubts

Hang onto this. Hang on hard.

I know how unutterably shit it is - but you will get through this, you will be OK - I promise. I know the first time you go through it, it is scary and you just feel so many different things... it really is just fucking horrible - but it does pass, life does get better and in time - yes, you will see that it was for the best.

What was this 'life-change' that you are not compatible with

[IceAddict]

Oh I'm so sorry for you. The end of a relationship is treated the same as grief during a bereavement because the feeling is very similar. The best thing you can do is grieve and acknowledge your feelings, don't feel stupid it does hurt like hell use the support you have and do what ever you need to do

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

Oh you poor thing - it all sounds so bloody miserable :( I don't know how I'd have got through it without my friends... but you don't have to get through it without friends - you have us :) x

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

No, he should not be there to support you through your 'issues', and you should not accept the BFF offer. It is the very last thing you need in order to get over him and your break-up.

It is painful, and I'm sorry. But you need to cut contact with him, until the day you truly and utterly do not want love and affection or validation from him anymore - basically until the day you don't give a fuck anymore. It's clearly way too soon for that - give yourself a couple months at least, and resist, resist all urges, or trumped up reasons, to contact him, or to respond to any contact from him. Trust us, it's for the best. Reward yourself for every time you resist the urge to get in touch with him (even just a mental pat on the back), and in a while the habit will be unlearned, and you will find that you are able to function just fine without him, and that the pain will be gone.

It gets better. Don't make it worse for yourself by hanging on to a man who doesn't want you.

[TweedWasSoLastYear]

Go to bed now , with a hot choc ,do the essential important stuff tomorrow, then maybe a few days off ?
you will get through this , although you cant see how at the moment
Avoid alcohol if possible and tell a rl friend.

[TheEarlOf]

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee the life change was he wants to concentrate on his career and can't be doing with the emotional baggage of a relatioship through that.

Thanks for all your support. I feel so overwhelmed. I've never been out properly with anyone else. I don't know what to do. I spent my whole time at uni with a bf so never had to worry about those sorts of things.

thank you all so much though. Every post means something and makes me feel a bit better.

[TheEarlOf]

HotDAMNlifeisgood you're right. I'm just going to disappear off the face of the earth temporarily.

I'm going to email and cancel all plans tomorrow so I can wallow in bed/go for a long walk. It just seems that everything I'd normally do, like talk to him on the phone when I have somewhere long to walk involves him.

TweedWasSoLastYear I will avoid alcohol, mainly beacuse I don't drink! I wish I could tell a RL friend, I really do but I dont have any close ones :( I've texted the one person who I vaguely chatted with about this sort of things before and she had a horrible breakup a few years ago and now really is BFF with her ex and has a new partner but she hasn't replied. (I think she might be in India.)

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

It just seems that everything I'd normally do, like talk to him on the phone when I have somewhere long to walk involves him.

Busy yourself with alternatives -- there are plenty. For example, on those long walks, you can call someone else, or play with an app, or listen to music/radio/books on tape,.... the possibilities are endless!

You can do it.

It may even take less time than you think to get over him. Frankly, a man who thinks that going through a career change is too overwhelming so he has to heave his relationship overboard sounds like a pretty inadequate partner.

It's just an addiction, and going cold turkey WILL cure you, in time.

[TheEarlOf]

Thanks HotDAMNlifeisgood I will try

I've just told him that I'm goign to delete his umber from my phone after tonight but we can talk as much toight and i got 'please don't do that
i would be really upset if we stopped talking'

Forgot to mention, it was a LDR, he thought he'd mention it on fb message, didn't even call... I said why would you do that?! He said it just came out................excuse the extnded ellipses, that was the disbelief from me after that statement

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I've just told him that I'm goign to delete his umber from my phone

Don't tell him, just do it.
You do not need his permission, you do not need to explain yourself.

I suggest you have a read through the posts in Baggage Reclaim. LDR man, who dumps you because he is overwhelmed, says it's not you, it's me, offers BFF card, and moans when you tell him what you will be doing for your own healing, has ALL the hallmarks of a Mr Unavailable. Really recommended reading in your case, I think!

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

It is hard when you have been together a long time (and for someone young 5 years is pretty much forever), you don't know anything else and you can't imagine life without them, everything you do reminds you of them. I don't mind admitting that the first time, I was a complete and utter mess. The second time I was heartbroken, but I knew I'd be fine... I knew I'd coped the first time so could again. I knew what it was like to be on my own etc. The first time really is a bastard. But trust us, you will be OK.

If he can't handle building a career and having a relationship that doesn't say much about him. It also rings a little hollow that he's wanting to be your BFF (fuck that!) and is saying he will support you with your issues etc etc - ... so if he can do all that, why can't he be in a relationship?? It wouldn't surprise me if he hasn't had his head turned by someone else :( Had his ego flattered by someone else needing a knight in white shining armour.

[waddlecakes]

5 years = break up by Facebook? That's a bloody disgrace, sorry.

[TheEarlOf]

HotDAMNlifeisgood Is that someone else's story because it sounds exactly like what's happening to me....

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee I did think about that and made that point but apparently, no, it's not just me in a relationship, it's relationships in general. I did also question what was teh difference between BFFs and relationship and apparently there's no emotional baggage with BFFs, but then again I can talk to him about eveything.

waddlecakes Yup, I know. I did say that but apparently it just came out, because he was clearly just sooooo desperate to tell me, although he had failed to tell me 2 hours earlier when I was on the phone to him.

[TheEarlOf]

I'm having a good laugh at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1787172-tell-them-off-tell-them-to-stoppit which is helping me take my mind off things!