Just found out that DP wasn't serious about our relationship at the beginning. I feel lied to and used. Hurting :-(

[ByeBiPolarBabyCrazy]

DP and I met in July of last year after messaging back and forth through plenty of fish (dating site). From the first meet we were hooked on one another, made excuses to meet up, saw each other every weekend - fell in love quickly (I thought we both had, turns out it was just me :-( ) and slept together - in fact we spent many nights just making love all night. As sickly sweet as that sounds, it was like a fairytale romance for me. In the pub one night we decided we were exclusive and wanted a future together. For me - all this was very, very real. He told me it was for him too.
Then in the September I went on holiday for a week and he went to a festival. I remember arriving at my hotel and texting him to let him know I'd arrived safely. I received no reply. Next day - nothing from him either so I text asking how the festival was. No reply. I got nothing from him for 4 days and I was gutted. It really ruined my holiday as I could think of nothing else. I assumed I'd been dumped and I was heartbroken.... on holiday, trying to put on a brave face. I finally received a text off him to say the festival was amazing but he'd been too busy to text. I was upset that he couldn't even send me one text but I let it go, just glad to hear from him.
So I got back - we met up again, things went back to normal, we were meeting up all the time, spending lots of time together etc. I thought everything was great.

Well, today I've come across some archived facebook messages dating back to around that time - the weeks after we first met and were walking hand in hand down the beach and I was thinking he was the one - he was messaging women on facebook from dating sites chatting away, going on about meeting up for coffees etc etc. I let it go - since we'd only been together a couple of weeks but then I found messages from September when I was on holiday fretting about him, searching for the perfect gift for him, hanging by my phone waiting for a text --- he was messaging other women things like "how is the dating going? I've not been on pof for a while." and "really? sounds good - you'll have to cook that for me one day :-) ) and "still no luck on the dating front, why are you offering? lol"

Absolutely gutted. I know it was early days for us but for fucks sake he totally lied to me. He said we were exclusive, that he wanted a future with me, that he'd missed me whilst I was on holiday, that I was everything he'd been looking for --- and all along I was nothing to him at that point was I? just something to shag on a weekend whilst the search for miss right continued.

We're still together, he has no idea I've found this stuff. I feel so gutted. Like the beginning of our relationship was a lie, just a joke to him. Can't believe he'd do that to me.

[HomageToCannelloni]

Sorry you had to find out like you have, but at least now you know you can royally dump him and save wasting any more of your time. You obviously already know you are worth more than this, make sure you go out there and get it and don't accept any bullshit from this man.

[HomageToCannelloni]

Fwiw if someone went AWOL on me for 4 days after the relationship you had had up to that point it would ring HUGE alarm bells for me, unless there were no mobiles/reception/way of contacting. His 'didn't get the time' spoke volumes.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Has anything happened since September.
Do remember, in September you had only been seeing each other for 2 months.
I wouldn't assume exclusivity or anything serious at that point.
I think he was just keeping his options open in case it didn't work out with you.
Did things settle down after that last time?
It doesn't look good and only you know what you should do about this.
I would want to sit down and talk it through.
If there's been nothing since September then I would guess he got more committed to you after the festival.

[TanglednotTamed]

I don't see any problem with him not being serious at the beginning - fairly normal for most people (men and women) I would say.

But a huge red flag with all the lying and telling you that he was in love/you were exclusive etc. etc. He is clearly a good liar. I suspect he was shagging someone else at the festival too.

I wouldn't trust him again tbh. My advice would be to finish the relationship and tell him it's because he was dishonest and you want to be with someone trustworthy.

[Xales]

Can I suggest a trip to a STI clinic. 4 days silence at a festival and this new info suggests it would be sensible.

[Dahlen]

What have things been like in the interim between September and now? Are there any more messages to other women in that time frame (particularly in the last 6 months)?

I think messaging other people while in the first few weeks of a relationship is pretty common. You may have been together more than just a couple of weeks, but it still would have been very, very early days in September. Lots of people would not be happy to agree to exclusivity in that time-frame, particularly in the online dating world where many people feel that it's a good idea to have several 'options' being followed up because so many fall by the wayside at just this amount of time into it.

However, if he enthusiastically said "yes I want to have an exclusive relationship with you" he is a liar and a would-be cheat. I'm sorry. I suppose the best he may be guilty of is being too cowardly to say he wasn't ready for that stage and because he was keen enough to not want to lose you he may have said nothing at all, and just quietly messaged other women with no intention of seeing them. However, while that may be less calculated, it is still dishonest and cowardly.

The only other thing I would add to all this, is that allowing his week of going incommunicado to ruin your holiday suggests that you are investing maybe a little too much too soon into the relationship.

[Lulabellarama]

Not good. I coul understand having unfinished business in the first week or two that gets swiftly wrapped up, but not much more than that.

Having said that, I think you should tell him what you found and see how you feel about his response. People do change when they are with the right person and in some cases the change might not be as immediate as you'd hope. Have it out and trust your instincts.

[SourSweets]

I can understand this would be an awful thing to find and I would be gutted too if that was me, but just to offer another perspective: I wasn't serious about my partner either until about 2 months after we met. I even dumped him. But n

[SourSweets]

Oops.. But now, we're happily married with a baby on the way and I love him more than ever. Try not to judge him too harshly based on his feelings before he properly got to know you.

[jessjessjess]

Why are you reading his FB messages?

Why do you expect to be texted from a music festival?

You sound like you need to work on your self esteem. Sorry to be blunt.

[Vivacia]

I think you just need to talk to him. This would eat away at me otherwise. But first, decide what reaction you want and how you'll deal with others (such as him denying he was still on the chat sites).

[Want2bSupermum]

That would be a dealbreaker for me. Basically he was out looking to see if there was something better and decided there wasn't BUT told you he wasn't looking.

Do yourself a favour and find someone who knows they found the perfect person for them without having to test run a few other women to find out. You are worth more than this.

[mysteryfairy]

My husband takes our 3 kids to music festivals every year and they barely text me - he uses phone for sat nab and then can't recharge it.

One of my best friends is with a lovely guy but I know at the start of her relationship with him she did keep messaging other people for a long time, even when they were a couple. I don't blame her - she had been pissed around by her ex husband to a major degree then by a couple of people on dating sites and although she was fairly sure about new guy wanted to keep her options open.

It might be something but it might be nothing. Having invested this much on the relationship you really need to talk to him and find out.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

He's a liar. A very good liar.

I wouldn't expect to be serious or exclusive in the first couple of months but he told you that you were.

How can you trust him?

[TurnipCake]

Well of course he had been too busy to text, at least you know the reason why now.

You know there's no future in this. Or you could continue, bury your head in the sand at let it eat away at you. But it's not going to be the relationship you want. Better you find out now and leave him to it than later down the line x

[Sparklysilversequins]

Hmm, not sure about this. You were only a couple of months in so I am not sure I would be excessively bothered about him having continued to be available. However I would be worried about how well he concealed that he was doing this, having you so totally loved up with him. I might find myself quite eagle eyed round him now.

[MerylStrop]

I would assess your relationship on the basis of now rather than then.

Two months is no time. Nothing suggests he was going to act on anything from those facebook flirtations that you shouldn't have been looking at. Your were loved up to the eyeballs, your perception of what he actually said and how you thought he felt might have been off. Very few people really fall in love and commit in an instant.

You need to look at what you have now. And whether what you have is worth having and is real and true. Fairytale romances are often that.

[bleedingheart]

I would be upset by this.
He didn't have to over-commit and overstate his feelings do early on.
Its perfectly reasonable to no have had such str

[bleedingheart]

I would be upset by this.
He didn't have to over-commit and overstate his feelings do early on.
Its perfectly reasonable to not have had such strong feelings but that doesn't mean lying about exclusivity.
I woils expect a text from the festival- first few days apart, in the first flushes of love and lust? Too right!

[bleedingheart]

I would be upset by this.
He didn't have to over-commit and overstate his feelings do early on.
Its perfectly reasonable to not have had such strong feelings but that doesn't mean lying about exclusivity.
I would expect a text from the festival- first few days apart, in the first flushes of love and lust? Too right!

[bleedingheart]

Bloody iPhone! Sorry for excess postage!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

"still no luck on the dating front, why are you offering? lol"

Conclude he either had amnesia or was very good at acting.

If all seems well now, you might be able to tell yourself it was early days, you misread his level of commitment then look back and laugh. But you're not laughing are you. And now that you know, next time there's any question mark over something, you won't be able to help wondering, no matter how much he sounds really genuine and looks utterly convincing, will you?

[Vivacia]

I don't think that this is automatic LTB territory. I do think you need to talk to him about what you read and judge him on his reaction today, not back then.