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What should I do?

(44 Posts)
giftthatkeepsongiving Sun 23-Jun-13 20:44:19

I am a NC regular. I had to NC because this is simply incredulous and would be easily identifiable if you know me in real life and I don't want it linking to my regular name and all my other posts.

I left my abusive stbx h about 2 years ago and he sees them 1 night a week. He has never been charged with violence, has no record and I am divorcing him on the 2 year separation as opposed to unreasonable behaviour (I was frightened he would kick off <sigh>).

So he has seen the DCs quite freely. There have been 2 times when he has lost his temper - called one of them " a little bastard" and had him by the scruff of his neck. Another time when he was so vile that my DS went to school in tears and was crying for 45 minutes (he has only dropped them off at school twice in his whole life and this was one of them :-/). He regularly verbally abuses me in front of the children (whore, slag, etc).

Anyway, to get to the point.......the DCs have come back tonight having been to his house for the night and he had taken them to a local fair. One of my DS's won a goldfish, and yes to be fair he did say he wasn't that bothered about winning a goldfish, stbx h ATE THE GOLDFISH. ALIVE. FOR A £10 BET WITH A MATE. IN FRONT OF DS.

I am speechless, I want to stop all contact.

Am I over reacting?

PeppermintPasty Tue 25-Jun-13 12:57:27

I hope you are ok today. Clearly you are very worried about him kicking off. Can you ring the police on their non emergency number to get some advice/reassurance from them? It might help you to hear from them too that this is far from normal behaviour. They will log your call.

Sparklysilversequins Tue 25-Jun-13 12:48:02

After domestic violence incidents the police do an assessment as to how at risk you are. One of the questions is has the person in question harmed or threatened to harm animals that you are aware of? They actually use that to indicate how much danger you are in.

This is one of the most awful things I have ever read. Your child will always remember it. I would get some counselling sorted out pronto.

toomanyfionas Tue 25-Jun-13 11:30:04

Oh so sorry, OP.

He sounds like my friend's ex who set fire to a kitten infront of the children

MadameBlavatsky Tue 25-Jun-13 01:15:06

OP stopping contact is the best thing you can do. Fuck him, if he dares come anywhere near you or your kids just call the police. He is a sick bastard and not fit to be allowed unsupervised with children.

You are doing the right thing. I doubt very much that he will take you to court, what a twat. Well done for getting away, you are far stronger than you think.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 25-Jun-13 01:00:50

Hi OP. You may find this helpful:

The abuse counts as Section 4 harassment, and he should be locked up for it.

Leavenheath Mon 24-Jun-13 22:24:12

Do think about contacting the police before he does anything. There's no statute of limitations on reporting incidents but even if you don't want to do that, you'll be flagged as potentially at risk and they'll give you some good advice.

ExitPursuedByABear Mon 24-Jun-13 22:19:47

What a hideous twat. Hope you are OK.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 22:16:11

Thanks Leaven, I have spoken to the DC tonight and tried to reassure them, especially DS2 who told me about it and 'landed him in it'. I hate that they might think I am being a horrid over reactor - their boundaries have been skewed by their F and I know they don't want to know that their father is a bit of a twat. Its so sad for them.

Leavenheath Mon 24-Jun-13 21:55:21

I'd talk to the police and get a few of these incidents logged. Think you'll also need to spend quite a bit of time reassuring the children that you're acting with their welfare and safety in mind and that they did the right thing telling you about the goldfish.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 21:50:25

Thanks you all.

I'm concerned about him getting the letter tomorrow. I didn't get to speak to my solicitor today because was working all day so am not sure what legal standing I have in saying that he cannot see the DCs.

He has already been warned that he needs to pick the DC up from the road side and not come up the driveway because of his abuse but there is no order in place.

I just currently have the advice that if he breaches this to call the police.

I don't know what happens's scary.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Jun-13 21:06:51

Obviously not, City

My local fete has live goldfish to win

Strange "support" you were offering there hmm

Hope you are ok, OP. You sound terrified, and I don't blame you. Please make sure you have RL support close by.

CityTiliDie Mon 24-Jun-13 21:03:59

I thought fairs were banned from offering live animals as prizes.

OodPi Mon 24-Jun-13 20:35:43

Cruelty to animals is often a sign of an abuser even before they abuse. My brain is currently numb as I've been off work so long but have done a bit of DV training ( was going to be a lot more but pregnancy delayed it) and this was one of the questions ( possibly for MARAC?)

Have you got support in RL?

How are the children today?

2712 Mon 24-Jun-13 18:42:33

Never mind no contact with his DCs, you need to get a restraining order on him. He sounds nasty.

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 17:26:54

The letter said after an accumulation of inappropriate incidents it has been decided that contact is not in the children's best interests.

He is going to go ballistic.

GetStuffezd Mon 24-Jun-13 17:01:24

This man is a piece of shit who doesn't deserve contact with his children. He sounds like a lunatic. You've done the right thing.

Leavenheath Mon 24-Jun-13 16:29:46

What did the letter say then? Are you going for no contact or supervised contact?

giftthatkeepsongiving Mon 24-Jun-13 16:22:43

My solicitors have sent the letter today.
I feel sick with how he is going to react.

whitesugar Sun 23-Jun-13 22:15:06

I should have clarified that my children are now permitted themselves to decide whether or not to have contact.

whitesugar Sun 23-Jun-13 22:11:03

I am sorry you and DC are going through this and am truly appalled. My EXH recently assaulted my teenagers and although not little ones the same rules apply. You should report this to the police straightaway. Animals are protected by the Animal Welfare Act. You should also report the incident when he grapped your child by the neck. I beg you to do this. These are crimes. Once you report it sociAl services will be notified & contact will be on the agenda. You must state you want no contact. For your children's sake lose any feelings of guilt about no contact. Your children are not of an age where they can decide if they want contact you must decide how best to protect them.

The reason I feel so strongly is my DC have been punched in the head by EXH. He could have killed them. He was ok til they became teenagers. They hate him now and want no contact which I support wholeheartedly. I regret allowing them to go as babies but solicitors advised then 14 years ago that just because he was violent to me he wasn't to them & they had legal right to have contact with their father. Your Ex is terrorising your children.

I should have up and left the area with the children. He wouldn't have followed to be with them because he is a lazy bastard who loves the role of victim.

You have a duty to protect your children. Make no mistake this is not normal behaviour. If his violent temper escalates and you do nothing you will have questions to answer. I apologise if I sound harsh but I really urge you to report him and push for no contact. He will always be a dangerous influence in their lives and could damage them irreparably.

2712 Sun 23-Jun-13 22:10:39

And Fathers for Justice always moan about mums stopping access, FGS.
I wouldn't let my DCs within 500 yards of this arse.

garlicnutty Sun 23-Jun-13 21:48:45

Well done, btw flowers

garlicnutty Sun 23-Jun-13 21:48:17

I would be telling the children that, even though he's their Dad, he does cruel things. These include: [A] eating a live goldfish (shock) [B] in front of them, [C] finding it amusing; [D] swearing at them; [E] physically attacking them.

We do not keep people in our lives who are abusive towards us or to animals.

Oh dear god. That's just awful. Absolutely horrible.

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