Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Dh, maternity leave and sex!(48 Posts)
Dh and I are happily married and have the normal ups and downs. I feel as though he loves me very much. However, I feel as though we are having issues re sex.
I like to feel desired by my dh and I take care of myself to look good etc. We have dc3 who is 8 months and hard work.
When it comes to sex, dh behaves as if he would like to have sex very often. But when it comes down it, he will try it on and immediately (or within a min) touch my boobs etc, he'll then expect me to touch him and move onto sex pretty quickly. However, if I don't respond straight away to having sex, he just seems to give up and go to sleep. It feels as though I'm not worth making the effort if I don't 'put out' straight away. However, I need to get in the mood and be a little wooed! I don't mean candles, massage etc all the time, but just done effort on his part.
We have spoken about it and he just says that he's tired. He will often touch me throughout the day and then in the evening, we go to bed and unless I have sex straightaway, he'll just nod off leaving me feeling rejected.
I'm on maternity leave at the moment and I suppose he thinks a little differently of me. He doesn't see me in my work clothes dressed up and I'm not doing the post with drinks and office banter. It's like I'm a 'sure thing', no threat from being chased by other men, just generally at home doing family duties .
Anyone got any ideas how to resolve this? Do I need to play harder to get? It doesn't help that he was looking at pictures of scantily clad women a few months ago, which is demoralising. Not sure what to do? Any thoughts?
I think it sounds like you are both just stuck in a rut, probably both feeling a bit like the other isn't interested.
Is there any possibility of a night away somewhere without the children? It needn't be fancy or far away, just a night for you to dress up and go out to dinner, chat about things outside of family life and some flirting. Or do something you enjoyed doing together before the DC arrived. Make time for each other that isn't just about sex.
Or another option is to surprise him at home with a child-free night and some romance. I don't think it should always fall on the woman to do this sort of thing by any means, but someone has to make the first move and at least you'll know you've tried
Cinacina has he always been this way or is it a fairly new thing?
Were you desparate to conceive last time?
I know that with DS2 we were desparate and sex became functional.
It took a while for DH to understand that sex for pure procriation and sex for pleasure were two different things ( his orgasm was essential for procreation!!)
One poster mentioned ferry sex, roll on and roll off. Entitled, non caring, non thinking sex, in my opinion. It is all for him, nothing in it for you.
OK, so he won't have sex with you how you want, and you won't have sex with him how he wants. What compromises can you think of? Weekends are for full seduction, your-way sessions, weeknights are for straight-to-it, his-way sessions?
Maybe it's become the norm that we just do sexual stuff straight away and now I've realised it's not that great for me. I've been so keen in keeping him interested, particularly after having a baby and catching him online looking at women, that I've neglected my own needs.
Suppose I'm now changing the goalposts and he's confused it can't be bothered!
Sorry yes I do, I def give him signals that I'm enjoying it and I definitely initiate it with him. But either approach, unless I go straight for his willy and have sex immediately, he just seems to stop. It's very frustrating, I want to have sex, I encourage him, but be just seems too tired to be bothered and make the effort to get me going. It's either nipple tweak and sex or nothing.
I think the attitude you have of DH needing to put in the effort to 'get' sex, or 'letting him' have sex, is going to cause problems down the line, or possibly is already causing these problems.
I'll ask again, do you ever initiate or urge him to keep going before he stops?
I think what I mean Viking, is just because a couple are married, with children and commitments, doesn't mean that no effort has to be made. Yes it's much harder to leave a relationship, if you have all those things, but ultimately both partners have options and don't have to stay in the relationship.
It's about not being taken for granted. Even if you're married, you're not 'caught', effort should be made. I know that my dh is a catch, he is attractive, successful and generous, and a great dad. The fact that other women may feel the same, kind if keeps me on my toes in a healthy way.
I can see your difficulty re no fore play, and that you have explained this to him. I can only suggest reinforcing it in a loving way, and keep explaining what and why you want to do it differently. it is too early to know if he wants to change. Even if he does want to change, it may take a bit of time. If he doesn't wasn't to change, then that is something different.
I do think continually playing hard to get can backfire big time in a long term relationship - but also believe at times building a bit of sexual tension can be healthy!
I think it's healthy for each partner to know that the other isn't 'guaranteed' and will always have options in a relationship.
Not exactly sure you mean by this, but again I would urge caution around any"assumed" messages. Keep the communications clear and open.
Sounds like you are both in a rut. Can you go out more, as a couple?
I've got 3dc including a baby. Family life and baby care can be relentless. I need my dh to make me feel as though I'm not now just a mother, cleaner, and sex provider. I still need the effort to be made for him to desire me enough to get me in the mood. Surely I'm not expecting too much?
If he can perv at women on line (although this has stopped), why can't he perv on me
I don't push him away, but just lately I feel as though I don't want him to cuddle me etc, if he is going to show all the signs and then just fall asleep. It's demoralising and in one way is turning me off him.
"I think it's healthy for each partner to know that the other isn't 'guaranteed' and will always have options in a relationship."
Have you applied this advice to yourself? How long do you think you can keep pushing DH away until he considers other options, which it sounds like he has started with the internet porn.
I still don't understand why he stops if you let him know that you need longer foreplay. I mean, do you actually explicitly say to him "keep going" or whatever?
I do respond when he advances on me, he knows that I'm enjoying it , but then if I don't reach for his willy or let him have sex, he just gives up and falls asleep. I do touch him back, but he wants to move too quickly.
He says he fancies me etc and doesn't care for other women, but his actions don't seem to match up. I have tried hard since dc3, I'm on the pill so no worries re pregnancy. I've got back into shape quickly. I still get make attention (if I make the effort and look nice!), but dh doesn't make me feel great and he is the only man I want.
You think playing hard to get is wrong? I don't want to feel taken for granted. I think it's healthy for each partner to know that the other isn't 'guaranteed' and will always have options in a relationship.
Be careful of how you play this. Keep the communication open....both verbal and non verbal! Don't play games about getting him to 'chase' you more, it will come across as you rejecting him and lead to much greater problems. Instead, respond to the advances, and lead him on what you want. It will be an interesting dynamic. Don't dwell on competing with ladies in the pictures.. There is a big gap between fantasy and reality.
Both of you need to work on bringing the relationship closer... so it is fulfilling, rewarding and precious for you both.
He does help with chores etc and childcare. Works hard, but is tired having to help at home and go to work.
I do have some time to myself, but not that much. Although I always look nice when we go out, when dh comes in from work, I am frazzled after a long day, I'm in practical 'mom' clothes, which normally have baby dribble, food etc on them and I certainly don't look my hottest! I dont lack confidence, but dh isn't making me feel great and I'm starting to push him away when he tries to cuddle me. Childish I know, but I feel as though why should I meet your needs and be affectionate when you can't be bothered with making the effort with me.
Is he doing his share of domestic work and childcare? Are you getting some leisure time to do things that you enjoy, and which are purely for your benefit? You are on maternity leave so you have a newborn baby: that's a time when you need, now and again, to do stuff that reminds you you are a person and not just a mum.
Do you ever initiate, OP? Or urge him to carry on when he stops?
you can't reprogram him like some kind of robot
what you do is you look at it from your own POV
don't settle for shit sex and poor effort from him
do you think he is on some online support group looking for ideas to make you more interested in him ?
answer: is he fuck (instead he is entertaining himself with online porn)
So, a few gropes throughout the day and then you are supposed to be in the mood enough and wet enough for him to penetrate you straight away ?
and if you are not, he loses interest and rolls over without putting any effort in ?
not a thoughtful lover, quite the opposite
I would say he was shit at it
I've spoken to him and he knows. He got defensive, but did agree.
I feel we need to reprogram ourselves a bit. I'm feeling crap and very housewifey at the moment (I like being at home though), but him looking at images online and then not 'chasing' me has changed the dynamic a little.
How do you make a man want to have sex with you and make the effort?
Yes af by sex I mean penetration.
I need to feel sexy and have him say nice things. I want him to think that sex with me is worth making the effort for. He's not always like this, but its a pattern I've started to notice.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.