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Should I move on from this relationship?(20 Posts)
I'm hoping I may get some help and a good kick on the backside here because I'm pretty sure I'm being a moron.
I posted a couple of months ago about problems I was having in my marriage etc. and about the om.
Anyway. After a lot of great advice on here, I finally left my dh. I'm now living on my own with my two dcs in a rented house.
I have days where I think what the hell have I done. I should have stayed and maybe we could have worked things out.
But I love the om. Really really love him. Our relationship is great, in terms of we get on, we have loads in common. The attraction is strong and there's just something about him I can't describe. He makes me feel amazing.
But the last few weeks I've been having major insecurity issues. I keep questioning him about stuff and where he's going. For those of you who didn't read my post last time, he told me a few months ago that he was married and living with his wife and Dc up until a year or two ago. He had initially told me he was single then separated. I stupidly believed him. Nobody in our firm of over 70staff realised he was married. We all thought he was single.
Anyway, we talked about getting married in the future etc. but he's still married to his wife. The kind of things he says to me gives me the impression that he will never divorce her. She does not want to divorce him. They have been separated for a while now.
The major problem he has is he is totally dominated and controlled by his parents. He was physically and emotionally abused by his dad as a child. Now as an adult they still have a major hold over him. They were hugely responsible for the breakdown of his marriage. He is 35yrs old yet is scared of his dad.
He has moved in with his parents the past 5/6weeks as his wife wanted to move back into their house.
I've noticed a big change in him since he's moved back. He has become distant and is generally detached from me
The other day we had a huge row about his parents. He said he wasn't sure he would be able to support me or stick up for me if his parents said anything horrible to me or the kids. He said he couldn't talk back to his dad.
I find this unacceptable. That my future husband/partner would not defend me or stand up for me. It's the dcs I worry more about. They need someone who is strong and will protect them. They see their dad regularly but if om will be their step dad, then he needs to take on some responsibility too.
I'm in a business with him and we are tied up in a few other projects together too.
I rely on him alot for so many things. But I really get the impression that I'm on a road to nowhere fast with him. I know he loves me and he wants to be with me but I don't think he's got it in him to do it. His parents will never agree to him marrying me. They will never accept us. And I don't think he will make the choice between me or them.
I honestly feel pathetic even writing this. I'm an intelligent person, I've got a good career, I'm pretty independent. So why can't I let him go? Why can't I say to him sort your life out, decide what you want to do? He says he doesn't know how to divorce his wife as he doesn't want to hurt her but he's going to have to if he wants a future with me. They have been separated for almost 1.5 years. There's also the trust issue, the fact that he lied to me from the beginning about his marriage.
Should I stay with him and work together and hope things will eventually work out for us?
Or should I cut my losses now, get what I can out of the business and plan my exit?
Thanks for reading if you got to the end, would really appreciate some advice x
I'd cut your losses OP, because this man isn't going to be a future stepfather to your children, nor a future husband to you, and deep down you know this. He isn't going to divorce his wife, is throwing a fuckton of excuses at you and lied from the start. He ain't worth it.
Cut your losses now and plan your exit from this dysfunctional mess you find yourself in. You've gone from one abusive relationship into another disasterous one; albeit a different type of disaster but disasterous all the same for your children as well as you. You really do need to work on you without any man in it for the foreseeable future.
You sound messed up as well which may be due to you having co-dependency issues.
This man is not right for you at all and he also has toxic parents to boot. He will put them always before you.
I kind of expected you guys to say this. I guess I know myself I need to get out.
But it's not as easy as that.
Yes I do think I have co-dependancy issues... I can't cope being on my own. I'm finding being a single parent incredibly tough. Which is odd as when I was with my husband I was raising them practically on my own anyway.
Do you not think that if I support him and help him I can get him to deal with his toxic parents?
Nope. He is a waste of your time and energy. This is early days & it's already crap, he should be on his best behaviour. Raising 2 kids alone is hard and you have enough to do. Cut him out of your life and focus on yourself and your DC. You are not having insecurity issues. You are a smart woman listen to your intuition. Dependable partners don't behave like he does. You know this!
I love him so much though. I can't imagine how I could get through the day without him being there. Physically he isn't here but we txt and talk all the time when we are not together at work.
The thought of leaving him makes me feel sick. I'm pretty sure I don't have a future with him taking into account his past and his behaviour. But I don't know how to leave him. The emotional side is tough already but the practical side is difficult too. Without him I'm basically jobless. The house is in his name, I have a company car. My dcs school fees are paid by work. I can't work with him if I'm not with him. I would find it impossible...
I'm worried sick and am struggling eating and sleeping. I don't know how I will cope on my own.
I know I sound pathetic. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling like this.
How can you support him when you are having difficulty managing yourself OP? You need to devote your time and energy to sorting you out. Get help for your issues.
If you don't, you will live the rest of your life going from one disfunctional relationship to another, dragging your children along with you. You have completely changed their lives. They are children. They need you. He is an adult. He does not.
I hate feeling like this, insecure and untrusting all the time.
I KNOW I need to leave him. I know this. It's just doing it that's the problem.
I will literally have to start over and I'm scared. I've already moved with the dcs. My Dc is settled in his new school and the thought of moving him again makes me feel sick.
If he is so great ask him can you stay on in the house until you get on your feet. He lives with his parents, right? If he really cares about you & DC he won't throw you out. There are laws against being fired from your job. Stay in your job. it's going to be hard but it's not impossible to work with him. You are panicking & freaking yourself out. Try breathing! You don't have to do everything today. Don't beat yourself up about not trusting him, just take it one day at a time and sort things out bit by bit.
His wife probably thought that if she supported and helped him that he would deal with his toxic parents.
That was a major part of the breakdown of their marriage.
You don't even have to read between the lines to see the pattern there OP.
Whitesugar, I am panicking. I'm practically hyperventilating. I know I need to deal with it a day at a time. Thank you for your advice x
Xales- I know you are right. It's déjà vu at my expense.
I need to grow some balls.
Stop hyperventilating, be nice to yourself! Take however long it takes to work it out. Eat some food and go to bed! You are in charge here, play the long game until you are ready. You will know what to do when the time comes. just stop freaking out, you are making me anxious! LOL you can and will cope. Everyone f** up. Welcome to the human race. Get some sleep!
Lol I know. I need to get my act together. But it's going to be tough.
I used to be strong and not take any crap off anyone. The nature of my job is to be like this too.
Now I'm just a silly girl running after a guy who hasnt got the guts to do anything to be with her.
If you keep picturing yourself as ineffective and silly you will behave that way. Visualise yourself as strong, capable and loving and your attitude and behaviour will change!
But I don't feel any of those things. I just feel stupid and weak. I feel like I'm not coping with the dcs and have made a massive mistake leaving dh.
I see other couples and feel so jealous. Why didn't it work out for me. Why have my dcs had to go through this.
Honestly right now I feel so lonely and afraid.
Call your GP this morning and ask for a referral to a counsellor OP. You sound as though you need it.
Big hugs to you OP. I just want u to know that u are not alone. I agree with Dione... ur GP and see if you can get some counselling.
Thanks guys for the advice. Will my GP refer me to a counsellor?
Will it be expensive?
Has anyone gone through this? Did counselling help you?
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