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Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

(457 Posts)
Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 10:43:05

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

VBisme Sat 29-Jun-13 06:56:06

Okay, let's call her a drama lama then. grin

scottishmummy Fri 28-Jun-13 21:47:15

Mumat asked for mnhq delete her posts
I think speculating on mental health,spouting terms in ta-dah thats why you is like that way
It's lazy o'er how can I try intellectualise and big up some online blah...aha guess the diagnosis

springytats Fri 28-Jun-13 21:33:56


mumat39 Fri 28-Jun-13 21:30:22

The spaghetti western scene is good.

I feel like I just moseyed into town and everyone including the horses stopped and stared having realised that it's my face on the wanted poster. Wanted for being a thread killer!


springytats Fri 28-Jun-13 21:28:05

oh blast it, put that post back in! Is it copied somewhere?

Please don't listen to scottishmummy barking like a ferocious dog at you. She does that all the time on MN, it's her style. Take na notice!

You're not causing 'all this trouble', don't be daft. The thread was doing nicely imuo until the friday night crowd butted in.

mumat39 Fri 28-Jun-13 21:24:03

Gehj, thanks

Springy, that's just it, I was just learning and understanding things a bit more so posted what i thought was genuinely interesting but that meant the thread went of from its ambling course.

I am SO blush by Scottishmummys response as I really wasn't trying o suggest OP had any mental health issues.

Sorry for causing all this trouble.

springytats Fri 28-Jun-13 21:06:08

I thought that was a great post, Mumat39! I'm disappointed you got it deleted.

im(u)o wink I think the thread was just ambling along, changing direction, looking at different ideas. Nothing wrong with that, a lot right with it as far as I'm concerned.

Then the big guys came ambling into town, chewing baccy, slung a few shots and told every one they were damn stupid.

And y'all listened to them?? Don't listen, people! Just some big shot opinions, tis all.

wheredidiputit Fri 28-Jun-13 20:27:09

Can I ask why now.

What happened to trigger you to look at your life.

Gehj Fri 28-Jun-13 20:17:07

And on that note, I too am bowing out.

Gehj Fri 28-Jun-13 20:13:08

Don't worry mumat39, I'm not ready to slit my wrists yet grin

A rather distasteful joke on my part! shock

Would someone like to analyse that?

mumat39 Fri 28-Jun-13 20:12:11

Thankyou MNHQ.

OP, I really do wish you well and didn't mean to offend with my post.

Good Luck!

Hissy Fri 28-Jun-13 20:11:01

Ah! Can we please stop the intelectualising of what clearly had NO thought input whatsoever, barring who could get off first?

All this 'soul' searching is no going to give this bint some kind of justification for fucking someone else's husband, hauling her own kids into the midst and ranting on hear about how it was all the DW's fault for not treating her man right.

If OP has copped herself on, then all well and good, but stroking her overblown ego, pandering to her is not going to help her. Or those poor kids.

There is a DW in thé story here who has been cheated on for over 10 years.

Ok so he is the philandering slimeball but he can't betray his family alone now can he? And what better than with one that KNOWS full well what it feels like.

Takes a special kinda person to do that...

Stop feeding this creature. She is addicted to the drama, and all this thread is doing is replacing the hard-on she got with Mr ShagCoach

scottishmummy Fri 28-Jun-13 20:10:19

Oh gie it a rest go back to your Frasier box set.
Psychobabble is wanky

confusedmuch Fri 28-Jun-13 20:08:32

maybe op needs to realise that behaviour suggestive of a total lack of empathy for one's fellow human sends up flags in the rest of the populace that a sociopath/narcissist/personality disorder/shark is in their midst?

on ma 3rd glass and bowing out of this one vipers!

mumat39 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:58:23


scottishmummy Fri 28-Jun-13 19:57:46

By all means debate the ow,married man thang.thats the point
But speculating on her mental health,and using google as oracle is distasteful
I think it's unpleasant,and frankly you might as well diagnose gingivitis as both cases you'd be guessing

confusedmuch Fri 28-Jun-13 19:51:56

ach it is open to debate scottishmummy but let's face it any person who shits on other people aint doing good and as for shitting on your own doorstep well that's just plain stupid imo.

mumat39 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:50:29

I have reported my post and asked for it to be removed.

mumat39 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:42:07

Oh gosh, I wasn't trying to do that. Like I said I didn't know what it meant, so I googled it and thoughti'd post something that I thought was interesting.

I'll ask MN to remove my post if that's how it's come across. blush

scottishmummy Fri 28-Jun-13 19:38:30

Christ alive,I see the armchair psychiatrists are scratching chin,using google
So from a bit of a messy relationship,to narcissism..Who'd have thunk it
One can tell all that from mn?next you'll be predicting cholesterol by reading posts

mumat39 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:13:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

78bunion Fri 28-Jun-13 18:49:32

Women rarely admit affairs and married women look askance on those who do. Conversely plenty of men show off to other men about their liaisons. It is a sexist world.

Given 30% of married people cheat it is likely that 30% of any holier than thous on the thread are at it anyway.

However I don't and I reject married men regularly. No one has to accept that first advance. I am not waiting for my reward from the married women's institute for rejecting married men, but I perhaps deserve one.

VBisme Fri 28-Jun-13 18:30:23

People are still pandering to the narcissist? I applaud your tenacity everyone!

Oh and I mean narcissist in the "wow she sounds like that greek bloke what drown himself because he thought he was so ace" way. Rather than being pulled apart for having a degree in the wrong kind of medicine.

Gehj Fri 28-Jun-13 18:19:59

Phew, thanks Wellwobbly I'm really genuinely relieved to hear that. And I don't think for one moment being described as courageous was meant anything other than:

a. Not scuttling away with my tail between my legs when the earlier thread was potentially difficult for me to read and...
b. Knowing I have accepted that I need to make huge changes to my life and readily agree I need counselling.

I also see how my earlier posts make painful reading but even during this short time I have been on here, I already understand so much more and appreciate where the comments I have made have been hurtful.

I just want to stress I wasn't generalising all women blaming them when their partners/husbands have an affair. I was pertaining to MY situation. I most probably mean't she had to accept at least some responsibility in the breakdown of her relationship to her husband.

Maybe married women with young families can have it all but only if they have loving and supportive partners who are accepting of their careers and who are readily available to make changes in order for their marriage to succeed.

Maybe I ought to start a new thread: Can Women really have it all? smile

Wellwobbly Fri 28-Jun-13 17:26:30

No, OP isnt a narcissist. Agree w Springy's reasoning.

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