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Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

(457 Posts)
Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 10:43:05

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 23-Jun-13 13:37:39

Genuine advice here...

Contact his wife and tell her everything. You will be doing her, and yourself a favour.

He will show you exactly who he is, because I'll bet my next months mortgage payment that he'll want to work things out with her and you'll be history.

10.5 years wasted. The kids are old enough to leave but now he has the convenient excuse of an elderly mum. Wonder what excuse he'll come up with when she dies?

He loves his wife more than he loves you. It's that simple. So tell her, and let him prove it to you.

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 13:39:10

Gehj I hope that you find the strength to do what YOU need to do smile

pinkyredrose Sun 23-Jun-13 13:39:18

OP if you really wanted to leave then you would

How about going abroad for a while, fill your head with new sights and sounds, distract yourself with all the wonderful things life has to offer.

navada Sun 23-Jun-13 13:41:21

I'd stay with him.

mouldyironingboard Sun 23-Jun-13 13:53:05

I've never had an affair but I've found a good way of keeping away from an unsuitable partner is to make a list of all his bad points and keep looking at it every time I feel a bit weak. Actually, make 2 lists - the first one has all his bad points and faults, the second should contain everything you want in a new future partner (commitment etc). Keep the lists close by and remind yourself that you deserve much better than a selfish, lying, cheating, scumbag.

onefewernow Sun 23-Jun-13 14:00:17

I am not meaning to be cruel here, honestly.

You are with him because you like the drama. And because you havnt worked out that the drama is a result of the "can't have".

In the meantime you are throwing your life away fir a man who us selfish enough to see you waiting in the shadows for crumbs.

He is never leaving. Never. He has too cosy a set up at home, with even his family installed there. His wife is too useful, he isn't going to turn that into a mess.

Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 14:02:10

mouldy Thank you. That sounds good. I promise to try that and at least whilst I'm on here, I'm not on my mobile to him! smile
I'm on holiday from work for the next two weeks so I'm hoping to do a little decorating to keep me busy.

Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 14:07:32

Onefewer I feel as if the thread has become less personal now, thank you. I agree, hes never going to leave and I have reached a point in my life, I'm ready to move on. I know its been an addiction but a welcome addiction, a distraction from single parenting and hes been a great support. Yes, if he left, I would be only to happy to start a new phase in my life but I know that's not going to happen so I'm still only too glad to hear this.

mouldyironingboard Sun 23-Jun-13 14:19:07

Also, try visualising him telling his wife that he loves her. I'm sure he's very convincing, otherwise how would he have kept you hanging on for a whole decade?

He may become a pest once he realises you are serious about ending things. Is it possible to change your phone number and email address? I know this from a friend's experience. Her mm sent flowers, phoned regularly and generally proved to be a nuisance once his cosy set-up changed. Hopefully, this mm is slightly less persistent!

MexicanHat Sun 23-Jun-13 14:38:04

Have pm'd you OP. I can recommend Paul McKenna's I Can Mend Your Broken Heart as a way to disengage, disconnect and move on. Good Luck.

CarpeVinum Sun 23-Jun-13 14:45:43

I seem to have hit a nerve with this thread

Of course you have. So many people trodden on, left unconsidered and hurt, becuase of you and him. Some of them powerless small people who get to live with the fall out of choices made by the people WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE THE MOST. Instrad of being loved and protected they are set aside as some kind of collatoral damage to an overgrown teenager romance.

You post is all about you. It's like in your mind everybody bar you and him are just cardboard cutouts decorating the drama you are trying to create instead of living a life.

MissStrawberry Sun 23-Jun-13 14:48:37

The book MexicanHat recommended, it also comes with a CD but it won't work if you don't read or listen to them!

Cold turkey.

Keep busy.

Only start the above if you genuinely want to finish things otherwise there is no point.

Wahla Sun 23-Jun-13 14:50:17

You'll never be able to give him up OP until your willing to give up the myths of your relationship.

You have constructed the age old 'star-crossed lovers' narrative for yourself; he's wonderful, your wonderful, your feelings are extraordinary and impossible for normal people to comprehend and were it not for a set of tragic and insurmountable circumstances, you would be entwined in each others arms till the end of time. Of course any good story needs a villain and the the cold, heartless inattentive wife fits the bill nicely whilst allowing you and he to play the role of noble hero and ethereal heroine who sacrafice true love for the greater good.

It's very sad and romantic. It's also total bollocks.

You met a man who wants the stability and comfort of a marriage alongside the thrill of a girlfriend. He met a women that needed attention and companionship (nothing wrong with that) but who also whose ego needed bolstering and feeling superior to another women has done that. You would be so much better for him than her, if only the stars would align.

Except the stars have aligned, or at least you thought they were about too until he throws in yet another obstacle and your subconscious is starting to whisper to you that perhaps this story you have been telling yourself, is just that - a story.

He's not the long suffering, ever giving, gift of a husband and he's staying in the marriage because he is fulfilled by it and has no desire to lose his wife. Your great as an added bonus but that's it. That's all you are to him. Your not his perfect women. He doesn't cry into his pillow at night or gaze up at the moon lamenting the fact that he didn't meet you first. He. Is . Happy.

Your not though and you will always be second best until you open yourself up to the reality of the lies you have told yourself and that you have allowed yourself to believe.

Giving those up will be hard but if you manage it, giving him up will be a piece of piss.

BriansBrain Sun 23-Jun-13 14:55:21

I agree with cold turkey.

Change your contact details and get out and about to take your mind off it.

MiconiumHappens Sun 23-Jun-13 15:04:21

If you feel you are faltering just imagine the trauma, pain and long lasting damage that would be caused to innocent people if this was ever to be discovered. That should be enough sad

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 15:06:21

Wahla, I dont see anywhere where the OP has said anything about a romatic love story.

I believe that you have lifted that straight from a self-help book for betrayed spouses smile

They have been seeing each other for 10 years. its not a teenage romance, ,amny marriages last for less time.

The OP has never paited the wife as a villian either, she just happened to mention that she was a career woman who does not spend much time with her husband.

How do you know that they arent deeply in love and have a set of circumstances in the way?

Aside from any of that the OP has suggested that she wants to end things, it is extremely patronising to make out this is some sort of silly crush, they have been in a relationship for TEN YEARS.

navada Sun 23-Jun-13 15:13:35

I actually think Wahla's advice is spot on....& so damn true. Affairs are all a load of bollocks.

onefewernow Sun 23-Jun-13 15:22:03

You will NOT meet anyone else whilst he is filling the sex and company hole. You just won't. Your head won't be in it or your heart.

So why wait for him to decide?

It is your life. You need to accept that you are putting it on hold all by yourself.

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 15:23:42

Affairs are a load of bollocks

Right smile

Wahla didnt actually give any advice, that was just a made up opinion of the OPs affair based on nothing whatsoever.

scarletforya Sun 23-Jun-13 15:25:53

You say you are not on the thread to discuss why you had the affair but in your posts you've said you have difficulty ending it. Therefore why you are having the affair is important. Your beliefs are what informs your actions and we are saying we think your beliefs are deluded.

You are deluded OP. I'm an impartial stranger on the internet so I'm objective as are most on this thread. You are not objective OP.

You've framed events to flatter your core belief that (I'm drawing this from what you've written) you two are 'special' irresistably attracted, star crossed lovers. You use words like 'passion' and 'addiction' as though these things are exceptional and others can't understand.

Forgive me if I splutter with laughter but come on OP. It's all so bloody textbook and corny. It's teenage.

You make all this excuses about external forces keeping you apart and his accident preventing the completion of his leaving his family. It wasnt external forces, come out of denial. If he wanted to be with yo, he would. It's that simple. You're not lovers cleaved in twain by cruelest fate you're just ordinary living an ordinary, predictable story.

Now why am I 'spouting all this venom', well before you trot out some waffle about jealousy or bitterness listen. I'm saying all this because this is what you need to start seeing and understanding in order to leave. To leave and stay gone you have to want to.

You have to know yourself and why you did this. You have to stop flattering yourself with the way you are painting and trying to present this. You have to move into reality. Yes, it will be painful but it's you who wants it to stop, so it's you who has to do the actual work and that starts with some self examination.

I would recommend some cognitive behavioural therapy because I don't think you are as self aware as you might be.

I will finish by saying how ridiculous some of the stuff you've written is, for example Alas, if she pays more attention to her career rather than her husband/family, affairs happen (i'm not condoning either of our behaviour but if an attraction is strong, its hard to ignore) and moreso, if she's never at home.

That made me piss myself laughing, it reminded me of every cheater ever that is caught on Gerry Springer etc shouting in defence you were never home, it's your fault I cheated Embarassing OP.

Also I don't believe he left the wife that time, I think he was kicked out and managed to worm his way back in.

Wahla Sun 23-Jun-13 15:30:02

Imnot - never read a self help book in my life, on any subject and to my knowledge, nor have I ever been cheated on - try again.

Yes she has painted the wife as the villain. Her MM strayed because his wife wasn't a good enough wife, that's what the OP said, not me. Not once has she recognised the deceit and the lack of care for his family and general lack of moral character that is inherent in a person that can sustain a long term affair like this one.

They're in love and the victims of circumstances. This is not true of her life and it is not true of yours. If they loved you they would leave.

Neither of you will find the strength to demand something better for yourselves until you can find the strength to face the lies you have been complicit with.

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 15:46:07

If they loved you they would leave

Life isnt always as simple and as black and white as that.

And not all OW demand that they do.

Leavenheath Sun 23-Jun-13 15:56:42

Life isnt always as simple and as black and white as that.

Meh, I only ever see that trite little line written by women deluding themselves about their affairs and why their married men, won't leave their marriages.

But about anything else to do with the affair, they are only too happy to deliver 'black and white' pronouncements about issues that are far murkier and completely incapable of corroboration. Such as the man's marriage is lousy, his wife doesn't care for him enough, he doesn't love her and is only with her for the children.

I bet when this man's children became adults, he was shitting himself because he'd at last get called on his bullshit stories at long last. He must be hoping more than most sons that his mother stays well for many more years and probably shits himself even more if she gets as much as a cold wink

VBisme Sun 23-Jun-13 16:01:09

Imnot you seem to be taking this very personally.

If someone is selfish enough to cheat on their wife, but isn't willing to leave then that's because they are better off where they are.

None of this is anything to do with love, it's to do with convenience. Which would be fine if everyone knew the truth, but with affairs there is usually a husband or wife who doesn't know.

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 16:03:20

Im not taking it personally, im just fed up of reading the same old crap souted at someone who is brave enough to come on here and ask a question.

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