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Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

(457 Posts)
Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 10:43:05

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

VBisme Sun 23-Jun-13 12:29:12

So he's staying with his wife because she is the income earner - wouldn't be so much fun if he had to stand on his own two feet and be the main income earner for you and your 4 kids as well would it.

I sincerely hope that you haven't been allowing him to buy you presents for the last 10 years with his wifes hard earned money.

Because that's just a bit tacky isn't it?

The quickest way to end it would be to get him to leave his wife and move in with you and your kids, see how you manage then, I doubt his wife would be keen to bankroll your little lovenest - you see the "honeymoon period" is easy to keep up indefinitely when you don't actually have to deal with the day to day routine.

I think this is a wind up, no-one is this out of touch with reality.....

I particularly love the bit where he left his wife but then had to go back because he was ill and you couldn't be bothered with him then.

PeppermintPasty Sun 23-Jun-13 12:33:07

OP, you are in denial, you aren't listening to the majority on here. These threads always go the same way. Perhaps you are feeling a bit lonely and cheesed off this week, so thought you'd start a thread. Go and get some counselling for your ragged self esteem. That should do it.

Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 12:41:25

wellwobbly didn't respond to your earlier post as it was all fairly lengthy and if you'd stopped after the first sentence, I would have got it!! You're not a solicitor are you?
I appreciate all the 'having his cake and eating it comments'. Its nothing short of what I expected but I posted for some advice on finding the strength to leave? Not to hear name calling which is rather unhelpful of you wellwobbly (I don't see myself as a chump having successfully raised four children on my own whilst holding down a full time job) all rather with ease. The three eldest are also successful in their own right, with one currently at University so I've not played the victim and oh woe is me for the past 10yrs smile.
Carpe Vinum his children provided the bulk of his care and realistically, I don't think any wronged-wife would have provided care in his new home that he'd just left the old one for!
Just reading everyone's somewhat truthful, hard-hitting comments (im glad they have not been too gentle) as they are enough to strengthen my resolve to leave. Ive done all the necessary, deleted phone numbers etc. thats all I can do for now as I don't do Fb or any other social website.
Thank you Cogito as your comment really helped. I will do some research for the programme which helps people with addictions. Was your friend C successful?

CarpeVinum Sun 23-Jun-13 12:46:53

his children provided the bulk of his care

Well I can see exactly why you are so smitten.

Causes terrible pain to his kids by leaving, but comes back becuase he wants them to play nurse.

Poor little sods, with a dad like that, who needs enemies.

VBisme Sun 23-Jun-13 12:51:19

So given the timeline his kids were 11-14 when you left them to look after him after he'd left his wife to be with you. Or did his wife really look after him, but you don't want to admit that?

You have a very pragmatic approach to life don't you?

He isn't the love of your life though, he's just been around and available to take you out and service you occasionally. I'm sure it suited you, but don't dress it up as anything remotely romantic.

PeppermintPasty Sun 23-Jun-13 12:51:46

Just as an aside, and a not very helpful one at that, deleting phone numbers is a joke. I tried that once, when my ex was being an arse. Trouble is, it was indelibly hardwired into my brain, as I'm sure his is in yours.

I think it's going to take more than that.

Xales Sun 23-Jun-13 12:54:14

So 7 years ago he up and left an 11 and a 14 year old who were his world devastated by leaving them with their mother who was never there for them.

He then went back and an 11 and 14 year old provided 24 hour care hmm

Looks like they weren't as important to him as you make out until he needed something.

Wouldn't have been so easy for him if his wife wasn't out doing the earning would it. Paying for the roof over his head, the food in his belly, the hot water in his shower.

Vile man.

confusedmuch Sun 23-Jun-13 13:05:33

Uuum, op you seem totally full of yourself yet lacking all sense of responsibility at the same time, I can't believe this is for real.

" (I don't see myself as a chump having successfully raised four children on my own whilst holding down a full time job)"

Well lots of single mothers raise kids and work and can do it without demonstrating to those children how to lead a life of treachery, what sort of relationship model have you given your children and what strength their moral compass?

" I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of."

Really op you seem so very entitled and proud of what you have done. Perhaps a little realism would help you begin to value yourself properly. Without even starting on your obvious disdane for the woman this man took vows with (and your missing empathy) I feel that you must realise that wasting a decade on a person whose primary hobby is decieving those closest to him is nothing to be proud of.

I pity you and your empty life and hope you can retrieve your self esteem from the drain it is circling.

Vivacia Sun 23-Jun-13 13:07:00

"Alas, if she pays more attention to her career rather than her husband/family, affairs happen"

Yes, partners with demand careers are just asking to be cheated on!

Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 13:15:11

Oh crap! Sorry to be reading such hate-filled posts with venom. I seem to have hit a nerve with this thread. I'm truly sorry if its caused offence. I guess the more I post about details, the more you seize the opportunity to vent your spleen and state such rubbish i.e is he/she providing finances to me and my children NO!! Who needs enemies with a dad like that!! How is this helpful? Your anger is blinding the facts. It is their dad who has raised the children providing stability all their lives.
This thread was not about WHY the affair took place, WHY it continued for such a long time, but advice was asked HOW to leave?
I do not suffer from low-self esteem, I do have a social life, I do have a respectable full-time job and he is high earning dedicated father.
So, without wishing to get into a 'lets defend myself' situation, unless you have anything useful to add to Cogito first post, it would be nice to hear from someone who perhaps has been in the same situation but judging by your posts, they are probably too afraid hmm

Vivacia Sun 23-Jun-13 13:18:53

I have seen other discussions on here from women wanting to end the affair, and have been struck by the practical and sympathetic advice offered.

Do you think there might be something about what you are saying that is causing a different reaction here?

StealthPolarBear Sun 23-Jun-13 13:22:10

TBH I wonder whether you should continue the affair. If you stop, you are lumbering some poor other woman (either his long suffering "have it all" wife, or the next conquest) with him.

PeppermintPasty Sun 23-Jun-13 13:22:27

There is so much wrong with your last post I don't know where to start. You are naive in the extreme if you thought your thread would be a cosy little chat, but having said that, I don't see the venom. I'm not venting my spleen on you. I, and others, are telling you that you are not listening.

What exactly do YOU think you can do to "leave" this affair?

confusedmuch Sun 23-Jun-13 13:24:20

I think the point you seem to be avoiding op is that perhaps the general attitude towards your conduct should be enough for you to end the affair and try to better yourself.

Also I see no hate on this thread or anger just disbelief, revulsion and pity.

Whilst you continue this affair you have low self worth.

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 13:25:22

Hi OP.

Ive been having an affair for the last 3 years and I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.

I have also ready similar threads on here and could cry with frustration at some of the venim spouted.

'just stop seeing him'
'you are scum'
'think about what you are doing to his poor children'
'find your own man'
'its not real love, its infatuation'

etc. etc.

Not helpful at all.

I dont actually think anyone could understand how it feels to be in an affair unless they have actually been in one.

I know I am in love with my MM. I am quite certain he is in love with me too.

MN is possibly not the bext place for advice as there are so many wronged wives, but sometimes you would think that having an affair was on a par to murder or child molestation by some of the anger you see on here!!

Im sorry OP, I dont have any actual advice for you, I would love to have the magic answers and if you find them, please do let me know!

Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 13:27:39

I knew I was taking a chance before I posted on here and expected a hard-hitting debate as it were. Affairs begin at home, because either the wife/husband may/may not have tried everything they can to improve their lives at home. Some wives have been known to be unhappy but stay because they think its in the best interests of the children. Some people may agree/disagree that this necessarily is not the best move as it often brings more unhappiness throughout their lives. In this case, it is the husband who has stayed and did his best to give his children the best he could. I have found myself in a situation where I have tried to leave but have been unable to. I am not proud, I know its wrong (I have said as such), so remember, when you are posting and venting your spleen because you may have been hurt in the past, each story is different and comes with different circumstances. I thank those who have been helpful.

PeppermintPasty Sun 23-Jun-13 13:28:33

Oh FFS, I had an affair with a MM many many years ago when I was fucking deluded, inexperienced, you name it so I certainly know "how it feels to be in an affair".

You are wallowing OP, and it appears you're not the only one.

StealthPolarBear Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:31

erm no. I'd direct a lo more venom at those people. In fact I think the man in this situation is ten times worse than the OP too.

Gehj Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:53

Imnotscared, thank you for your post and reassuring me that I'm not the only woman in the world to be having an affair. I've said all there is to say but hopefully, if I'm successful in leaving, I will surely get back to you. Good luck with your man x

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 13:32:34

Peppermint well done for ending it and becoming so bitter towards everyone else who is doing exactly the same thing.

Sounds a bit like ex-smokers who cannot tolerate smokers.

How about a bit of understanding? smile

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 13:35:06

Gehj you most certainly arent and I would expect a few PM's smile

Even if I were to end my affair tomorrow I would never judge anyone who chose to have an affair.

Of course it is 'wrong' in the eyes of most people, but it really isnt murder. There are much much worse things people do on a daily basis and as you said nobody knows the true circumstances except you and him.

ladylambkin Sun 23-Jun-13 13:35:11

Living with someone 24/7 is totally different from what you have now...that's why it's still so passionate

PeppermintPasty Sun 23-Jun-13 13:36:09

Er, how am I bitter? What a ridiculous thing to say. I'm fine thanks.

Look, like it or not, you are living in a little bubble of your own making.

The OP apparently started this thread to get advice about ending it, advice which she has so far manfully ignored.

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 13:36:38

You will get many helpful posts, just try and ignore the nasty ones.

And then be prepared for being told that 'you wont listen' if you dont post that you are truly sorry and you will be going to shoot yourself shortly.

Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet Sun 23-Jun-13 13:37:39


You have now been told that you are ignoring the advice !!!!

How exacty is the OP 'ignoring the advice' if I may ask?

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