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Riots are less effective and just not enjoyable when there's only one of you!

(29 Posts)
RiotsNotDiets Sat 22-Jun-13 21:27:40

Pathetic and desperate as it is, I'm starting this thread for advice on how to make friends.

I'm in my early 20s, I moved to a scummy little town when I was pregnant to be near STBXH's controlling family about 3 years ago.
We've split up now, and unfortunately I'm stuck here for at least another year until I finish my degree.

Before I met STBXH I was a bit of a party animal, I had loads of good weather friends and one very close friend, I was also very sporty.

Now I'm very isolated, with virtually no friends, certainly no one I could just call on a whim and arrange something that day, it seems to take a long time and lots of planning to convince people to spend time with me and these occurrences are few and far between. I also live a very sedentary lifestyle and have become very fat.

Up until the separation, my MIL was probably my closest friend, and depressingly now that I've split with my husband I don't even socialise with her anymore (BIL's GF seems to have replaced me).

I've been looking into joining sports clubs and things, but I'm limited because of my location and lack of transport. Also any socialising clubs/groups I've found on the internet seem geared towards older people.

I volunteer for a charity, but it is all done virtually with no human interaction, the charity does run events, but they tend to be in London and I can't really get to them.

I have made friends at uni, but we rarely socialise outside of uni, though I have tried to organise things. It's not a 'real' uni either IYSWIM, there's less than 20 people on the course and there's no student union or anything like that, no clubs to join or parties to go to.

I just feel very lonely and a bit pointless sad. I'm about this far away from posting sad song lyrics on facebook grin

I know there's no magic answer, and I should 'put myself out there' but I don't know how, every avenue I've explored has come to a dead end. It's frustrating.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 22-Jun-13 21:59:29


mindalina Sat 22-Jun-13 22:09:12

step away from facebook! grin I'm sorry I don't really have any suggestions, if it's any consolation I only have about three friends. If you're in Sussex I'll be your friend! I know okcupid had an option for looking for friends but I don't know how useful it is in reality, might be worth a shot anyway?

foolonthehill Sat 22-Jun-13 22:09:49

very frustrating, no easy answers....a virtual life until you can move? and keep plugging away at the socialising. people on here sometimes recommend Mumsnet local.

Sorry am housebound with little ones and single myself so not much help.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 22-Jun-13 22:26:03

I'm oop North Mindalina but thankyou!

I do keep trying to arrange things, and people do seem enthusiastic enough when I first mention it, but something always comes up or it's always 'one day' and nothing concrete is ever agreed on.

As lovely as MN is, it's just a bit depressing to think that it is my main form of adult socialisation!!!

stopusingmynicknames Sat 22-Jun-13 22:34:23

you said in your OP that you had been pregnant. so, do you have DC? Can you maybe look at parenting groups / pre schools etc as a source of people?
and don't feel sad about internet being your only source of human contact. remember, this is just a phase of your life and WILL pass.

mindalina Sat 22-Jun-13 22:59:07

well if it helps at all - when ds was tiny my primary source of adult interaction was world of warcraft blush this doesn't help your situation ofc, but it might make you laugh at me and cheer you up for a brief moment wine

RiotsNotDiets Sat 22-Jun-13 23:02:21

Yes I have a DD, I have got a mummy friend from a bf group I used to go to and we do have 'play dates' occasionally. We do get on well but she doesn't seem keen on socialising with me outside of that.

I could try some parent toddler groups, but I find that the mums I tend to get on with are usually a lot older than me and probably wouldn't be keen on 'hanging out' with me.

(I realise I'm being one of those annoying posters who have an excuse why everyone's suggestions won't work for them sorry!)

I'm going to look up suitable groups now, i think DD is almost old enough for a little kickers football club now, that might be a good place to meet people.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 22-Jun-13 23:03:47

Thanks Mindalina if I was any good at computer games I'd be tempted to give that a go too! I've heard of people meeting on there and getting married!

NumTumDeDum Sat 22-Jun-13 23:09:50

Oh god I could have written this! Well apart from the studying and ex bit. I moved in with dp in a new town (for me) but don't have any friends of my own. The kind you just text and say, drop everything, put the kettle on, there in five,etc. crap isn't it. After much proactiveness on my part, I now have some coffee morning types, but no one to drink a bottle of wine with of a night. All my actual friends live miles and miles away.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 22-Jun-13 23:16:52

It's not healthy either, now that uni is finished for the summer, I spend all my time either with DD or alone.

I do visit my parents occasionally but they live a long way away and I have to go via public transport which is hell with a toddler! My mum offers to have DD when i do that, so I can go out with old school friends but I have lost all real contact with them and feel a bit awkward, so I never take her up on it.

I bought a DVD of les mis a few weeks ago and I thought I could invite someone over to watch it and drink wine but nobody took me up on the offer (even though everyone I know loved it in the cinema). The DVD is still in it's cellophane wrapper!

I really am trying to build friendships, and I think I'm an alright person. I'm honest and I'm kind, what more do people want?

mindalina Sat 22-Jun-13 23:19:46

heh, I wasnt actually recommending it but it could work as a temporary measure you know, it's pretty easy to play as games go and I believe there is actually a mumsnet guild somewhere! There's a free trial too. Lord of the rings online is pretty fun and easy as well, and that's free to play entirely, whereas wow had a subscription fee. On a potentially more useful note, could you check out gingerbread, the single parents organisation? They might know of groups in your area for people in the same sort of situation. I hope something works out for you, it's rubbish feeling like you've no friends thanks

RiotsNotDiets Sat 22-Jun-13 23:23:15

Bah! No gingerbread groups near me

It is rubbish, and I'm sure it will pass eventually and I will make friends. But it's quite sad that I have Saturday nights to myself (while DD is at her dad's) and no one to go out with!

StealthPolarBear Sat 22-Jun-13 23:23:35

where oop north are you? We're havng a Manchester meet up soon and I actually live in the NE

RiotsNotDiets Sat 22-Jun-13 23:28:25

South Yorkshire Stealth

StealthPolarBear Sat 22-Jun-13 23:35:07

Oh sad

threefeethighandrising Sat 22-Jun-13 23:55:30

When I moved to this town 3 years ago I knew no one. I've made a couple of mum friends through meeting people via Mumsnet and also (shhh! wink ) Netmums.

Mumsnet meets are great - they're often in groups, I've really enjoyed going to them. Also Netmums have meet-a-mum boards which I used to meet mums in my area. I used to call it "mum dating" - it's just like dating but with no expectation of romance! You look at the profiles and pick people you think you'll get on with (or post one yourself if you feel brave!), you arrange to meet somewhere public, and if you like each other you arrange to do it again. I met quite a few mums this way. We didn't all click, but I've made two genuine friends from it, who I'm really grateful for.

Mumsnet have a new "Friendship bench" thingy too I think, which is more like the meet-a-mum boards I think. Have you checked out your local one?

The good thing about doing it this way is that, like dating, you know they're looking for friends too. With toddler groups etc, lots of the other parents are just looking to entertain their DCs, not form friendships IME.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 22-Jun-13 23:56:34

Thanks Three I'll try and find it now

Allalonenow Sun 23-Jun-13 00:13:04

Have you tried It looks to be full of trendy young things like you, with a wide range of activities.

RiotsNotDiets Sun 23-Jun-13 00:18:10

Ooh I'll have a gander!

RiotsNotDiets Sun 23-Jun-13 00:20:48

I'm making a profile, I've got to write a 'short bio'

What should I put?
"Please be my friend, I'm so lonely" probably won't do me any favours will it? grin

niceupthedance Sun 23-Jun-13 07:30:01

Hey Riots, I was in the same boat, 2 years solitary confinement in a town where no one gave a shiny shit about me (boo hoo etc). Am at uni but could n't socialise outside due to no childcare. It was horrible, I am moving back to my hometown tomorrow, so I do sympathise.

What happened to your party friends? Personally I find they are just the sort of friends you can not contact for ages then ring up for a night out and everything is fine...

GiveItYourBestShot Sun 23-Jun-13 08:23:14

Hi Riots, I'm in a similar boat...moved out of a city I loved to be with abusive ex (didn't recognise the signs, of course!) now have no friends here but a good job. Very lonely. I hope you meet some lovely mums - maybe don't worry about the age gap?

I might rejoin WoW just to join the MN guild - that sounds brilliant!

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 23-Jun-13 08:27:11

Mumsnet local is good

RiotsNotDiets Sun 23-Jun-13 12:28:43

nice they don't live any where near me, plus I lost contact with a lot of them because as soon I as I moved here they just dropped me. I did try and maintain relationships but it was all one way so I gave up.

I have recently got back in touch with the close friend, but she works a lot, so it's rare that we are both free to meet up.

Thanks Give I hope you do too, any chance of socialising with colleagues?

I've had a look at MN local, there's not much going on near me. I think where I live people are more the nethuns type

I'm still stuck on what to write for this profile thing, any tips?

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