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so DS' dad is moving to Wales, apparently. Please slap

(20 Posts)
theorchardkeeper Sat 22-Jun-13 16:15:56

We live in Berkshire.

His mum is moving to Wales so he wants to go too. He's only just developed a good relationship with DS after being absent from pregnancy to year 1, DS now being nearly 3.

DS has grown to love his fortnightly stay with dad and now he's announced this and said he'll still see him but it will be sporadic.

It was my doing that set up these current visits and he missed an important chunk of DS' life so is it silly that im gutted for DS? I'll never cut contact as i have no right but im concerned and upset for DS.

Anyone have any advice or fancy giving me a slap back to sense?

theorchardkeeper Sat 22-Jun-13 16:29:39

I just feel so angry i could cry.

It's silly but it's my baby and he's gotten so attached and i just don't have much faith if he can move so far, so easily, despite earning enough to be able to live here easy and travel easily. I guess im over reacting because it's a sore subject and I've always left the door open, despite his being crap at the beginning.

Lweji Sat 22-Jun-13 16:33:40

Skype can help maintain contact.

If he's a good dad he'll keep it up with regular visits.
If not, then it will die off.
And maybe for the best, as unreliable fathers can be worse than absent ones.

theorchardkeeper Sat 22-Jun-13 16:37:23

That's what im worried about. I won't chase him for DS as you can a horse to water but you can't make it drink !

He said skype wasn't a good idea as DS probably won't sit still and he works long shifts hmm

theorchardkeeper Sat 22-Jun-13 16:38:18

*take a

theorchardkeeper Sat 22-Jun-13 16:59:37

Am trying not to judge the situation until he's given me reason to, if he even does but it just doesn't look great and there's a lot of bad back story/history.

Appreciate the replies as i can't tell if im being melodramatic or unfair

CaptainSweatPants Sat 22-Jun-13 17:01:21

He'd rather be near his mum than his child?

That's shit

& crap of his mum if she's encouraging him

NeverBeenToMe Sat 22-Jun-13 17:04:46

That's crap isn't it, if he actually wants to form any kind of decent relationship. My ex moved four hours' drive away - admittedly he drives up for them once a fortnight - but I don't like the thought of the kids being in the car so long and so often. They're knackered by the time they come back on Sunday evenings.

What would his reaction have been if YOU moved that far away with his child?

theorchardkeeper Sat 22-Jun-13 17:04:54

His mum asked me to have am abortion on his behalf after i made my long decision to keep him.

Despite now saying sorry and both seemingly developing an attachment to DS it's suddenly some tiny detail on a pros and cons list.

I feel stupid and naive for thinking things were different now really

theorchardkeeper Sat 22-Jun-13 17:06:47

And i suspect he'd have said he wouldn't travel and blamed me for lack of contact.

dadwithbaby Sat 22-Jun-13 17:21:07

He sounds like a complete idiot both selfish and inconsiderate to boot.
I feel for you as it's distressing to say the least to know that your child is being placed well below where he should be on his list of priorities.
In all honesty it's not you who needs to be slapped back to reality all you have done has been out of love for you ds
I fully understand your anger and frustration he's making excuses which are pathetic.
An absent parent is no use to any child and I'm sure you more than make up for his lack of care.
Have a nice wine or brew you deserve it

theorchardkeeper Sat 22-Jun-13 17:30:51

Thank you. I feel much better just for posting and hearing from other parents iykwim.

I wish i could protect him from it somehow but i know i can't shut the door and be ok about that morally. Just have to make sure he has 100 percent security and love from me i guess and keep it at that.

Doesn't mean im not going to be worried or angry on DS' behalf though.

Really thought he'd pulled his finger out.

At least we have DP who has been brilliant with him and is just as upset and concerned for him as me it seems!

AnAirOfHope Sat 22-Jun-13 17:32:29

Does he know how to use a phone confused ex not ds?
Why cant he call ds every week and then see him every month?
When ds is older could he have him for a few days in the holidays?

Just because he is moving is no reason to not contact his son. Its only 4 hour car drive.

theorchardkeeper Sat 22-Jun-13 17:37:04

He's never stuck to phone contact that I've organised up until now though I've suggested it for after the move and he said 'maybe' as it will be hard as he often works 6 til 6 and is 'busy' on days off.

This sounds worse written down!

specialsubject Sat 22-Jun-13 19:32:58

skype works fine with a three-year-old of my acquaintance. You keep it short and have a 'conversation piece' of things to show and wave. We both enjoy the sessions.

sounds like a can't-be-arsed situation.

overtheraenbow Sat 22-Jun-13 19:45:47

Poor you it is crappy! My ex also moved away ( his choice as self employed ) over an hour away, he misses out on so much as he can't pop over for school things, open evenings and agree with earlier poster Mondays after weekends with him are exhausting as kids are knackered after the journey home .
Mine has moved in with OW up there , i think here was too close fir comfort ( perhaps he was scared rightly so that I'd do something to her ! ) Are you sure there's not more to the story??

Loulybelle Sat 22-Jun-13 20:08:18

He sounds like hes making excuses to back out of fatherhood, your offering solutions and hes not interested.

theorchardkeeper Sun 23-Jun-13 08:30:33

He's never been interested between visits. I send him the odd photo or text but not so much anymore, as he often doesn't reply etc.

I just find it hard to understand. DS is such an affectionate, laid back toddler and a natural clown. How can you spend time with him and let him get obviously attached then move away and decide to see him less?

At least he's got me i guess. Im certainly going nowhere!

theorchardkeeper Sun 23-Jun-13 15:39:55

I should just reserve judgement til it happens shouldn't i? Easier said than done after everything that's happened though...

TheOrchardKeeper Sun 23-Mar-14 20:05:02

Update: It happened and I'm just letting contact ebb away.

It's not my responsibility to be anything other than civil.

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