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Friend of a friend makes it obvious she dislikes me. AIBU to ask for advice on handling the situation?(71 Posts)
Every month I go on a night out with a group of girl friends; there are around 10 of us altogether and we all get on well. A friend who was my best friend at school organises the nights out. We're not cliquey and any friends of friends are welcome to come along, the more the merrier really. I am still good friends with my friend who organises it, although we're not really 'best' friends anymore as I don't really have a best friend in adulthood, just a handful of people I would class as good friends.
Anyway, about 6 months ago my friend started bringing along another friend of hers to the meet ups. She and my friend seem to have become very close too. I've always been really friendly to her, and spoken to and treated her the same as I have done any other women that come along on nights out. However it's become apparent that she doesn't like me at all.
At first I thought she was just a bit shy, so gave her the benefit of the doubt and was chatty with her and friendly. However over time I realised that she is fine with other people, but she is very passive aggressive in her behaviour towards me. She added me as a friend on FB. I accepted. But she never interacts with me in any way. The only time she interacts is if anyone puts a sarcastic comments as a reply to any of my statuses (I have several friends/family members that I have quite a bit of banter on there with), and then she will 'like' what they have said. I posted a photo of me ready for a night out and my cousin, who I have a lot of banter with, said 'Bum still fat ;-)' very tongue in cheek, and this woman 'liked' her comment, which I think is odd given that she never interacts with me, let alone in any banter with me.
She also makes it obvious on our nights out that she dislikes me. We went out two weeks ago and when I arrived for our meal at a pub several of them were sitting on a long sofa bench type chair at a table, and there were a few chairs around the table but they were all being sat in and there wasn't room for any other chairs around the table. I said 'Can I squeeze on the sofa with you ladies?', and she just sat there, looked at me and wouldn't move, even though she was sat at the end where I could have sat. There was plenty of room for probably 3 more people, but she just looked at me giving me a dirty look. She then said 'Go and get a chair', and I said 'Well there isn't really any room for more chairs, can't I just sit on here' and she said 'Go and sit at a chair at another table then'. Everyone else just looked really embarrassed and so some others further up the bench moved up and I got in there, but it meant I had to walk along the row of people, including this woman, like you do at the cinema if you need the loo! When she could have just moved along 6 inches herself.
She also does things like if I am talking to someone she comes along, taps them on the shoulder and starts asking them questions, or she puts herself between the person and I, puts her back to me and again starts talking to them. I know she does this on purpose as it happens again and again and again.
I haven't said anything yet, as I don't want mutuals to feel caught in the middle, and they all seem to get on with her ok, but I'm getting to the stage where I'm going to tell her to stop being so rude and nasty. I think she might feel threatened as my friend and I are still close, and I think she really idolises my friend and wants her to herself.
Any ideas on how I can handle it? Is it best to just carry on ignoring her?
I think the MN reply of "Did you mean to be do rude?" comes in very handy in situations like this.
Otherwise I would just ignore, smile and be civil if needs be.
She sounds rather nasty. Just ignore her, blank her out of your life and delete off fb. Continue your life as if her's doesn't exist. Actively avoid her on your nights out and don't invite her o anything you organise. We don't always like our friend's friends.
I think it would be quite tricky to not invite her on nights out that I invite as one of the others would bring her. Still, I suppose I could always say I 'forgot' to invite her, and be as passive aggressive to her as she is to me
She really does not like you does she?
I came along thinking you were probably being over sensetive but you are right.
Can you mention it to the mutual friend who brings her along? Would she take offence? I don't think it is something you can deal with, just draw it to the attention of others and see what they say/are prepared to do.
I think if you say anything to her yourself, you will end up looking like the bad guy!!
delete and block her off fb for starters, be polite but pull her up everytime she is rude to you, otherwise ignore her completley, don't let her push you out.
Delete her on FB. Seems to me she only added you to see what you get up to and judge you.
She's prob jealous of you actually.
at least it sounds like the others are either trying to stay out of it or are at least on your side (the seating incident is a perfect demonstration of that )
so, just let her be rude. Ignore her, and say "did you mean to be so rude?" every single time she does it.
every single time
and delete the twat off facebook.
Well, you can't put up with that behaviour anymore that is for sure! That is hideous! I had a similar experience in my 20s with a long term friend of mine. We had been to high school together, then my family moved but we stayed in touch. We then happened to be at the same university. However, my former close friend had another friend who behaved in the same way towards me as the woman you describe. I literally could not believe some of the things she used to do to put me down...I was so shocked by it, it took me a while to realise what was going on. It was clear that she was very jealous and insecure. I felt very compromised by it and must admit I never did confront her. I ended up trying to see my other friend without her.
In your situation I don't think you can ignore it because you all socialise together. Can you not say something to you friend? Surely she has noticed by now.
I would as much as possible ignore her she sounds really rude and quite aggressive. I also agree with kneedeep 'did you mean to be so rude' may be quite appropriate in some instances, I know you dont want to involve others but if she interrupts when you are talking to someone, say something like 'dont worry xx we can continue out conversation later' subtle put downs
although fuck off you rude ignorant bitch would be better
delete and block her off FB and if she is part of any social gathering ignore her.
I'd pull her up on it every single time she does something in public. People like that get off on their sense of being invincible because no-one ever challenges their behaviour for fear of rocking the boat. Don't worry about your mutual friends. Challenge this woman the next time she's rude and show her you won't tolerate her behaviour.
Agree with the others delete her on fbook and whatever you do don't try to ingratiate yourself to her....I'm only saying that because that used to be my MO till recently if anyone was ever unpleasant to me! I have since learned that you have to acknowledge and challenge behaviour like this to some extent, otherwise it never ends.
x post with UserError who put it really well.
I'm a bit annoyed in a way as I think some of the others could have said something at some point. They all seem to like her though, but I suppose they would do as she's nice to them. Not sure I'd be keen on someone I saw behaving in the way she behaves though.
Think I'm going to have to start tackling her. If the others side with her or tell me to leave it then I'll have to think about whether or not I really want to have nights out with them all anyway
Once again OP that was my experience, very few people will actually challenge someone like that, even other friends. I found that extremely disappointing too.
I really don't understand how other people can sit back and let someone be a total arse like that, Cherries. In the sofa incident, for example, I'd have said 'that's not very nice, move along and let Miffy sit down, don't be so childish' as I hate unfairness.
She sounds horrid. Great advice above. I can't believe your other mates haven't said anything especially after the seating incident.
One of them even cackled a little bit at the seating incident, comedy. The bit where she told me to sit at another table. It was a nervous type of laugh though...
People are scared of speaking out, especially when someone is flouting all sense of manners. Usually it's because they've been so rude they simply don't know what to say, so they keep quiet in hope it will resolve itself.
Honestly, I bet the first time you challenge her behaviour in front of friends, you'll have one come up to afterwards and say how awful it was that she was treating you/behaving like that. Until you pull her up on it, your mutual friends will keep on pretending it's not happening.
God she sounds a total knob. Delete and block her off FB- she's no friend of yours!
Sounds like youre not the only person who's noticed she's a knob at least, which is good. If I saw someone treat any of my friends like this I'd happily tell them what I thought of them.
"Did you mean to sound so rude?" course she did. I'd bluntly ask her exactly why she is being so rude. I'd ask dead politely but I'd ask. In private, or in front of other people but I'd ask. If I was mates with you I'd be wondering why you hadn't.
Anyway, you can do it! Don't stand for it. <gets pom-poms out>
This reminds me a bit of the Wendy thread recently.
Absolutely, it's really upsetting to be let down by others like that. I think if you tackle her she will be hard pushed to defend her behaviour and hopefully she will be embarrassed. Stupid woman.
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