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(52 Posts)
AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:02:31

Would you leave your dh if his mum paid a bill and your dh, mil and fil didnt tell you and was not going to tell you and when questionen dh lied and said no mil didnt pay bill and she didnt know about it then confessed mil paid and they all lied to you?

LB1982 Fri 21-Jun-13 23:05:48

Depends on all the circumstances. You need to elaborate OP.

oopsadaisymaisy Fri 21-Jun-13 23:06:50

Hi op. No, I don't think it's a reason to leave but I can understand why you would be raging and feel like leaving. What's going on, do you know?

DonutForMyself Fri 21-Jun-13 23:11:33

If it were just that incident and they all had some convincing reason why they'd kept it from you I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but if its part of a bigger picture of lying and excluding you from discussions, his family closing ranks etc then I'd be seriously considering where his priorities lie and whether he's prepared to alter his behaviour.

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:17:26

We had party here today for fil. Fil and mil came at 1pm and was very insistent that mil had to ho let the dog out at 4:30. Dh leaves work at 4pm and gets home at 4:30pm today he was going to be late cos he had to pay council tax at council office. Fil said to kids " it wouldnt be long and grandma and daddy will be home".
They came in together.

I waited for everyone to leave and got ready for bed and then asked dh "did you pay council tax?" He said yes. I asked if mil had paid it he said no. I asked if he was lieying to me and looked him in the eye and waited after two minutes he say "yes she meet me there and paid it and I didnt tell you incase you were upset".

We have the money for bill but money is tight.
I hate the fact pil interfer in our relationship and affairs
I hate that all three of them lied to me
I hate that dh has form for this and three years again I told him if he lied to me or let his mum or dad in our relationship again we would split up.
I feel like they have played me for a fool.

I have ask dh to leave and he has gone to sleep at his mums tonight and will get his stuff tomoro when we are out.
I dont want him back but he gulits me by saying he.just wanted the bill to be paid and have money for petrol (we would have without assistance)

LB1982 Fri 21-Jun-13 23:23:46

I don't think there is any clear intent to upset you, quite the opposite. I think there are underlying issues from the tone of your post. I understand why you feel as though they have gone behind your back OP but it appears to run deeper than mil paying your council tax.

MalcolmTuckersMum Fri 21-Jun-13 23:28:16

Wow. Really? There are threads on here posted by women who are REALLY suffering OP. Do you think what happened to you is real actual deal-breaking bad shit?

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:31:22

Its the fact that dh and his family has lied to me!

That dh chose to side with them and lie to me.

That he let his family (not his wife and children) conceal this from me.

He didnt come to me or talk to me or discuss anything with me but them.

I dont see how a relationship can work when one partner is kept in the dark and lied too and excluded.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 21-Jun-13 23:32:57

Or is it more that he's rubbish at money management , had promised you that he'd do better, and got him mum to bail him out secretly when he failed?

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:34:12

MTM yes I think it is bad shit to be finacial control by my husband.

If you dont then fuck off if you cant be supportive or helpfull.

Xales Fri 21-Jun-13 23:35:21

If OP decides her H lying to her after she has previously told him it is a deal breaker and she no longer wants to stay married she has every right to make that decision.

We have no idea of the back history however there clearly is some form of OPs PIL being over involved for her before.

Whatever decision you make do so for the good of you and your DC.

MalcolmTuckersMum Fri 21-Jun-13 23:37:40

Do you understand what financial abuse actually is OP? You sound a little overwrought to me - I think if you just take some time to think it through you'll probably see that it's all rather petty.

Oh - and thanks but I'll fuck off when I feel like it, not when you tell me. You sound a bit controlling actually.

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:38:25

No his mum likes to flash the cash and then tells us she owns us.

She paid a small amount of deposit for house and she was here when estaye agent was here and said "of you sell the house and give me back what I put into it, you would not have enpught left to buy another house".

Hos mum insited she pay it and that they not tell me and he went along with them.

Xales Fri 21-Jun-13 23:40:45

It may sound petty however many times it is the petty small thing that is the final straw.

AnAirOfHope Fri 21-Jun-13 23:48:27

I have two young children that will grow up with parents in different homes my 8 year marrage is over. I have no family or friends here, im a SAHM so I have no money. My husband has trowen it all away because he broke his promise to leep his mum and dad out of our relationship and to never lie to me again.

Yes im a bit pissed off right now.

I also have depression and on AD already so I will mot go kill myself because im alone and cant sleep and thought I could get some support from other mothers on mumsnett.

Guess not, I'll just fuck off as my marrage ending is not bad shit enough for you to be supportive or constructive or helpful.

Thanks sad

TheSecondComing Fri 21-Jun-13 23:54:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineBossaNova Sat 22-Jun-13 00:33:52

OP my ex PIL were extremely controlling, and this sounds like the kind of stunt they would have pulled. I can appreciate your frustration.

It wasn't a deal breaker for my marriage (he was abusive) but it contributed to a situation where my feelings and opinions were ignored.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like the last straw. Be kind to yourself.

zippey Sat 22-Jun-13 00:40:15

YABU. Its petty.

SunshineBossaNova Sat 22-Jun-13 00:43:29

I don't think it's petty OP.

BeyonceCastle Sat 22-Jun-13 01:04:24

You have control OP - You are choosing to break up your marriage over this, you could sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. I feel sorry for you if it is the last straw but unless there is a bigger backstory than MIL lording a bit of cash over you then I can't help but feel that LTB is the wrong response here.
I am sorry you are depressed and on ad - have been on prozac and seroxat in the past - neither helped me out the black hole personally but I hope you feel better at some point in the future.
The money thing in the current climate could just be a help up, you are married to her son - it is natural that she would want to help him, you and the gc. I would do the same for my kids in a heartbeat. Sure you would too.
Make yourself a brew and try to get some sleep. It may not seem so black in the morning.
As for telling other posters to fuck off confused just because they do not happen to agree with you, then maybe netmums not mumsnet. But as you sound stressed sure many will give you a pass.
Take care xx

evelynj Sat 22-Jun-13 01:18:52

I'd agree-you need to try to get some sleep-sounds like you my have lost a little perspective although I really understand being upset at the lying. Do you have any of your side of the family local? Just wondering if there is an imbalance of his family being around contributing to anxiety?

Perhaps you can explain again to dh how strongly you feel & 'refund' your mil with thanks for gesture. My pils have helped us with money a few times & I'm incredibly grateful for the help as it's made our lives a lt more comfortable, (although we didn't 'need' the help). I would never allow their generosity to have any control over our lives though-apart from considering pil's well researched product suggestions. E.g. like wood burning stove. Equally they need to understand and respect this.

Good luck & try to see it from others side or give us some more info...

Teeb Sat 22-Jun-13 02:05:31

Would you not help your children out if they needed your help when they are adults? Maybe your MIL is an evil bitch and there's a massive backstory, or maybe she wants to support her son and if that means financially then so be it. It doesn't need to be a sleight on you or your relationship that you need assistance from close family now and again.

In all honesty, would you have accepted it if your husband had been upfront about this before it happened? Or would you have kicked off at him? It seem whatever he would have decided to do would have been wrong, but while you are a sahm you are not in a position to help out financially, so I'm not sure if you can dictate to him that he can't get help from his own parents.

I really fail to understand how some people seem to find comfort in power battles and angst where there doesn't need to be.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Jun-13 08:57:21

I read this that you don't like your DH very much, you don't like his family either, you're unhappy in the marriage and this incident - which sounds relatively minor from the outside - is salt in the wound. Tempting when unhappy to cast around looking for someone and something to blame but it's not really necessary. If you don't want to be married to him any more, be honest about it and go for a divorce.

AnAirOfHope Sat 22-Jun-13 09:01:19

1) this is not AIBU and that response is inappraye on a relationship board. I didnt ask if I was unreasonable as its not that black and white.

2) Just because im a SAHM does not mean I have no say in our joint finanial responsabilities

3) its not the money thats the problem its the complete intentional act of my husband to lie and decieve me with the help of his parents.

4) There is no major background story but I dislike my PIL.

deliasmithy Sat 22-Jun-13 09:07:45

It's really upsetting and disappointing when people let us down, but is it realistic to make a promise of never lying?
I think it was encouraging that he told you the truth after you pressed it because he must have known the fall out. What was his motivation for getting the money bearing in mind he knew how upset you'd be?

Are you saying that its definitely over due to the seriousness of his actions or because you told him it would be over if he took money again and therefore you feel you have to keep with your promise?

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