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Oh ffs - he's letting down the children again

(16 Posts)
DotCottonsHairnet Fri 21-Jun-13 18:28:14

Split with stbxh at the end of last year.

He moved into a studio flat so wasnt able to have our 2 teens overnight but he saw them here quite often. The OW and him became official at Easter. He moved into a house with a view to being able to have the teens overnight etc. OW does not live with him.

Anyhow I have hobby and have a few weekends away booked with it and asked him to have the teens. As they wont have anything to do with OW it would need to be him and them - again agreed.

Fast forward - am away this weekend - he is having a party at his which OW is coming too. Teens wont go now and so they are home alone and happy about this (are 16 & 17). Sad that their Dad has choosen OW and his friends over them.

Am away again in 4 weeks time - again checked yes he would love to have them over. Guess what he has just called - hadnt tied dates up and has booked something with OW. Again boys wont go over and will be home together instead.

Just feel for them. Btw when I wanted to change the evening they visit for dinner for one night due to one of them having a school thing on, I got called awkward - pratty man.

DotCottonsHairnet Fri 21-Jun-13 18:29:32

Btw OW caused the split - found all the messages - he just denied it for months but despite promising to try to repair the damage - he moved out.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 21-Jun-13 18:47:05

Wonder how many times he'll have to go through the loop before he twigs that the boys mean what they say, and they'd rather be 'home alone' for the weekend than spend time with OW....

Numberlock Fri 21-Jun-13 18:49:07

I wouldn't bother asking him again. Wait and see how long till he gets in touch when it's not initiated by you...

DotCottonsHairnet Fri 21-Jun-13 18:54:17

I know - just feel for my boys. They have had to put up with so much this year. The whole point of him changing to a house was so they could stay over. Been there 6 weeks - they have stayed 2 nights and been to dinner twice sad

Same man complained when they failed to acknowledge fathers day!

thefrozensouth Fri 21-Jun-13 19:37:08

I realise now that I caused my DCs a lot of upset after the split from now XP. I would get so angry with him and call him all sorts of things when he let them down don't normally swear, but I made an exception And they would realise why I was angry, but not want to hear my ranting at their DF who they loved.

I realise my anger helped no one, especially not my DCs. If I had my time again I would leave my DCs and their DF to make their own arrangements and stay out of it.

By the way, they're now teenagers and have a good relationship with their DF and I am able to converse with him, when necessary, too.

Good luck.

DotCottonsHairnet Fri 21-Jun-13 19:43:00

Try hard not to rant to them. Instead have been talking/texting a couple of friends who are much more experienced single parents with exh's who are twonks!

whitesugar Fri 21-Jun-13 20:02:28

Dot I feel for you because you are only trying to protect boys from heartache. The reality is he is very likely to let them down again. They will probably start to trust his word less and less. You dont let them down and they know you are always there for them. They are lucky to have you. The very same happened my DC 14 and 16 and now they can't be bothered with him. They tell me they don't like him & don't want to see him.

Sadly for him he got exactly what he deserved. The topic is an open topic in our house and I am very honest with them about it. IMO they are old enough to make that decision. I don't even have to resist the urge to slag him off and tell them he is a self centred bastard because by his actions he is telling them that loud and clear. I reassure them them that lots of DC feel this way about their fathers. They have enough examples amongst their friends.

This evening EXH texted me (very rare - desperate because they didn't answer him) asking me to ask them to ring him. They couldn't be bothered as they are hanging about with their friends and can't be bothered. When I split from him 14 years ago I was so frustrated that he badmouthed me me a lot to them. I wanted to tell DC what a shit he was but didn't to spare them. Wiser people told me back then that I didn't have to do it because one day they would realise for themselves. That time has arrived.

Try not to get get too upset because you can't change the situation. You don't neglect them, you are a great mum who loves her kids.

whitesugar Fri 21-Jun-13 20:07:13

Dot I feel for you because you are only trying to protect boys from heartache. The reality is he is very likely to let them down again. They will probably start to trust his word less and less. You don't let them down and they will know you are always there for them. They are lucky to have you. The very same happened my DC 14 and 16 and now they can't be bothered with him. They tell me they don't like him & don't want to see him.

Sadly for him he got exactly what he deserved. The topic is an open topic in our house and I am very honest with them about it. IMO they are old enough to make that decision. I don't even have to resist the urge to slag him off and tell them he is a self centred bastard because by his actions he is telling them that loud and clear. I reassure them them that lots of DC feel this way about their fathers. They have enough examples amongst their friends.

This evening EXH texted me (very rare - he is desperate because they didn't answer him) asking them to ring him. They couldn't be bothered as they are hanging about with their friends and can't be bothered. When I split from him 14 years ago I was so frustrated that he badmouthed badmouthed me a lot to them. I wanted to tell DC what a shit he was but didn't to spare them. Wiser people told me back then that I didn't have to do it because one day they would realise for themselves. That time has arrived.

Try not to get get too upset because you cant make it better. You don't neglect them, you are a great mum who loves her kids.

DotCottonsHairnet Sat 22-Jun-13 06:58:19

Whitesugar - sorry you have been here too. Just sad that a parent can effectively dump children they claim are very important to them just like that sad Oh well his loss - mine are fab teens, kind, helpful, funny and supportive - shall be happy that I dont have to share them.

Hissy Sat 22-Jun-13 08:11:55

My dad did this, but it took 20 years of disappointment to see it. Did untold damage to my self esteem.

If I were you i'd support them if they wanted to give their dad a miss, as he's forcing his terms (OW) on them, despite knowing the score. That man has no sense of guilt at all?

He wants, in effect, for everyone to just stfu and embrace him and his OW.

They boys are practically men, the best thing you can do is to support them, their decision and show them that they are trusted, valued and worth more than an inadequate supposed father.

The sooner you ALL give up on the notion of him EVER being a decent person again, the less this stuff'll upset you.

Stick to YOUR principles.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 22-Jun-13 08:49:31

It's also worth remembering that this man can't do anything to force you or your boys to have contact with him, they are too old to be the subject of court orders for contact. So it would be fair enough for all three of you simiply to ignore him in future. His loss.

DotCottonsHairnet Mon 24-Jun-13 14:07:33

We try hard to ignore him but lives are still very much interwined till we move to our new home.

Gets better exMil was due to come and see us yesterday as shes not seen her granchildren for 4 months (see lives 5 minutes away). Arrangedmit and then nothing - no visit, no call, no text.

Guess we know where he gets it from then.

Thats now one side of their family that have ignored/cut them off then. Exs sister and her oh and child have ignored the boys for months too - oh and they all deleted the boys from facebook too.

Glad my family and friends are a big bunch and probably more than make up for losing 5 useless people.

davidsotherhalf Mon 24-Jun-13 16:16:42

my xh was always letting dd down, he would arrange a visit with dd and tell her I would have to drop her off (1hr-20mins) drive each way, anyway I would take her, and he wouldn't be home, dd would phone him asking where he was, got lots of excuses, out having drinks with friends, not having u this weekend cos i'm too busy screwing the ladies, i'm out having fun with my g/f son so u can f off because he's my future and your my past. dd soon realised he wasn't worth all the hurt he caused her, she gave up trying. it was so hard for me not to say no i'm not taking you to your dads, I kept quiet and was there for her when she realised what an asshole he is. dd has asd, and she came out with a comment to dp for fathers day, she said a father is the person who gets a mum pregnant, a dad is a person who's there for you and loves you,and don't let you down. she told dp he's her dad.

MrsTomHardy Mon 24-Jun-13 17:54:25

I know it's hard but I would just let xh get on with it....let him sort access with the DC, they're old enough.
Just been there for your DC when he continually lets them down....arse of a man!

Walkacrossthesand Mon 24-Jun-13 18:43:57

Does ex MiL have form for this kind of thing? If not, I just wonder if she made the arrangement in ignorance of the 'power play' going on re ex trying to manoeuvre boys into visiting while OW there - and he found out, leant on her to be 'loyal' to him/--his twisted world view-- and she didn't know how to tell you so took the cowards way out. Sad, but not a lost cause.

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