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Insight needed about difficult relationship....long

(27 Posts)
Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 13:05:46

Hello mners, please can you tell me any insight you have about my situation.

Me and dp fell in love, and by the time we realized that we had different priorities in life, and different ways of doing thing, I was pregnant. I did not want to terminate, although my dp did want me to at the time he did not put me under any pressure. He moved in 1 month before baby was due,and we tried to find a way of sharing our lives that worked for both of us. We loved each other very much, but had occasional massive arguments when my dp got fed up with my untidy ways. We quickly had another baby, and he lost his job and worked away a lot, so we didn't really live together for a few years. When he came back, he seemed depressed. He wanted to set up his business, and I found this difficult, as he expected support off me that I was unable to give.... Like I just don't have the skills and experience, and was holding down a demanding job myself, and supporting him while he was unemployed.

The arguments got more and more frequent, and he has been utterly vile to me on a number of occasions. He lectures me on how to do things his way, around the house. He seems to expect far more than I can see is realistic given that I am a working mum, with a quite laid back attitude. He seemed to want me to change. He has been verbally abusive on a number of occasions, as well as actually violent on about 4 occasions.

Anyway, after this unhappy situation going on far too long, we decided we should live separately. I didn't want to move out of our house. He insisted that I did, and basically forced me to move by threatening me.

I moved out.

I am extremely resentful about the whole house scenario.
We agreed that we would continue to have a relationship but live separately.

6 months later I don't know what I want. I recently made contact with an ex, and we saw each other again. I fancy him so much. He is communicative, creative, solves his own problem, is independent, loves kids, and I absolutely adored him when we were together very briefly when I was 18. We have that spark, and have shared our feelings, and both feel that right now is probably not the time, and that perhaps there will be a moment in the future.

He has recently returned to the uk after working abroad, and is wanting to settle down and have children.

I am 35 and would love more children if I was in a decent relationship.

After meeting him, i suggested to my dp that we separate for good.
He was really upset. He has, since then apparently changed. It is like the black cloud has lifted. He has started being more appreciative towards me, in stressful moments he has avoided blaming me for stuff. He really seems to have got over the depression that has plagued him. He is more playful with the children, less self absorbed.... Really different.

What do I do? Do I stay with the living apart relationship with the father of my children for the last fertile years of my life, hoping we can repair it?

Or do I separate, and redefine my life as a single woman and maybe give the other guy a chance, knowing full well it might not work out?

Thank you for reading this far, and giving me your thoughts.

CarolBornAMan Fri 21-Jun-13 13:22:34

Well personally would never stay with anyone who had been violent and threatening so this is quite black and white to me.

Plus how amazing he was able to transform into a nice guy after years of not being - how long before he reverts back to form - let me guess about an hour after you commit back to him..

the new guy is not the issue here..

AThingInYourLife Fri 21-Jun-13 13:32:23

Forget about the new old guy for now.

Work on separating yourself permanently from the violent bully you have a half relationship with.

Get a lawyer and make sure you get what is due to you from the house.

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 13:39:02

Yeah, I know what you are any change he makes just a manipulation?

But on the other hand, if he HAS been depressed, and it is lifting for him now, perhaps there can be a change for us.

I know his behavior is not what I would want my daughters to put up with when they are grown.... I am looking out for the next time he crosses the line, but I am finding it really hard to know where the line is for me sad

CarolBornAMan Fri 21-Jun-13 13:52:51

you are justifying his terrible behavior - why? the man has been violent and thrown you and his kids out of their home, you yourself say he is utterly vile - really, what redeeming features does he have that can come anyway to making him worth another go?

Would you let your daughters spend time with violent people - no, of course not. So why are you even considering giving this man another line - he crossed it a long time ago. The line is so far away, it is a dot..

And whilst am no expert on depression, am sure this very serious illness cannot be suddenly cured in this way - if he loved you and wanted you, he would have "cured" years ago - and definitely not been violent.

Don't go back - you have made the break - use it. Maybe new man might work out but really you have a lot of bigger issues to sort out first..

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 14:27:58

It's easier to hope things might improve than to accept how shit things have really been.

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 14:33:27

he is not utterly vile, he has been vile on occasions. I have not described him objectively here, that would be impossible. Of course he has redeeming features, he is a human being who has been struggling a lot over the last few years.

Maybe I am a pushover.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 21-Jun-13 14:41:06

He has NOT changed. He has been given a shot across the bows and his showing his Best Side. Be quite sure that when you settle back into the relationship you will see the return of his abuse.

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 14:43:26

It's hard for me to see it as abuse. I think I might go and read the signs of a loser again.

Dahlen Fri 21-Jun-13 14:46:43

If he's been violent four times already, he will be violent again. And by moving back in with him you are basically forgiving his past behaviour and giving him carte blanche to mistreat you.

Violent men rarely change. The figure is something like 5% I believe. Depression may make people difficult to live with but it doesn't make them violent. He was violent because he chose to be.

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 14:48:32


That's enough to leave, right?

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 14:51:04

I'm not moving back in with him, btw. I don't really get how we can have a relationship while living apart, either. I don't want to spend time at his house because it pisses me off that he made me leave. I also don't want him round my house, because he forced me to move out and it's my space, thank you very much.

ImperialBlether Fri 21-Jun-13 14:56:36

I wouldn't want to be with any man who forced me and my children out of our home.

OP, you have the chance of a lovely new life here - why are you even thinking of messing it up?

Dahlen Fri 21-Jun-13 14:58:37

I would never give anyone more than one opportunity to hit me. I used to think it could be a one-off or just due to pressure etc., but I've learned differently (the hard way).

I don't know if new man is right for you and I don't have a crystal ball about any future children, but I am sure that revisiting your relationship with your sort-of-ex DP will only end in heartache for you.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 21-Jun-13 15:11:43

Be on your OWN, bumpstarter.

This new man is not your knight in shining armour, you are not in a relationship with him. Don't let your desire for more children make you rush into something.

Plus you are not free from your current violent bully.

Get him out of your life, get some counselling, process what happened and the reasons why you are so repeatedly willing to give him fresh chances. Rebuild a life of your own, one where you are happy with no man in it. Then maybe consider dating afresh, but only then.

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 15:49:36

The new man has, however caused me to re evaluate my position greatly.

I feel pathetic that that is what it takes for me to wake up and smell the shit.... Seeing someone else, and imagining what a relationship with them might be like.

I know I am not ready for a new relationship in any way. Do you think counselling will help me learn boundaries?

I think I need some self esteem.... How do you get that?

Thank you everyone for replying to me. I find it hard to write and read about all this, but I really appreciate you bothering to tell me what you think.

CarolBornAMan Fri 21-Jun-13 16:30:01

Please get the counselling - you are on the right track but you have something that means you allow him to come back when you know you should not.

Self esteem is made up I think from a set of good if tough decisions you make that allow you to become the person you want to be - it is not easy and that is why I would so hope you get the support you need from a counsellor.

Take small steps - focus on sorting out you first and getting him out of your life and into a managed relationship with your daughters. Work on this - make a good life you are proud of, develop your self esteem and then if the other guy is meant to be, he will be there when you are ready .

curryeater Fri 21-Jun-13 17:00:36

You need to leave the old guy and put the new guy on the back back back burner, because you are on the verge of doing the same thing again - having children with someone you don't know very well while in love

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 17:27:13

God this is so depressing.

Jux Fri 21-Jun-13 20:45:02

Definitely split with the old guy. Go on the Freedom Programme or similar before even thinking of finding a new partner.

BTW, 35 is still quite young enough to take a couple of years out to repair yourself, before leaping into more child-bearing. I had dd at 41. Take your time. You'll only end up with another wrong'un if you hurry it. Heal yourself first.

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 20:53:43

Thanks, jux.

I have looked at the freedom programme, however, it speaks in such absolute terms that I find it hard to relate to my slightly more subtle situation. I can only relate it to a previous relationship with an absolute bastard.

I think I am going to need some counselling.

It's funny, new guy predates a few bad choices and a nosedive in self esteem. We met when I was 18, and he is absolutely loads of things I always wanted in a man. However, my youthful adoration of him is definatley a state I do not need to return to at present.

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 21:01:58

Right, I have emailed for information about a dv programme locally. Well 2 bus rides away!

Lavenderhoney Fri 21-Jun-13 21:02:12

Did you mention you had found someone else? He sounds an arse, your ex dp. He treated you and your dc very badly, how can you contemplate going back there?

Are you dating your ex? It sounds like you are.

Bumpstarter Fri 21-Jun-13 21:06:21

It's a bit complicated, lavender. I'm not surprised you are confused.

I have moved out from dp, but not exactly split up. I met up with an ex from years and years ago. I am not dating him. But I do fancy him.

Jux Fri 21-Jun-13 23:31:18

The lifting of his depression seems to have happened awfully conveniently.

The fact that you have had a previous abusive relationship before current ex, and that current ex has also been abusive means that you need to do a dv programme, so I am really pleased to hear you're getting one sorted out. Well done for that.

Now you are taking your life and your future into your hands, there'll be no stopping you!

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