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Rebuilding trust, then this . .

(112 Posts)
Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 06:33:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onefewernow Sun 23-Jun-13 15:11:52

Maleview, fair point, but find me the affair haver who is willing to go along with it! They never do.

maleview70 Sun 23-Jun-13 10:26:25

If you don't want it to end then you will have to have a discussion about having an open relationship but one where you Both have the option to see other people. He isn't too g to change so you either leave him or accept him for what he is. There is no other choice.

lemonstartree Sun 23-Jun-13 00:05:43

I really hope you are ok OP

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 22-Jun-13 14:52:47

How are you op?

FlatCapAndAWhippet Fri 21-Jun-13 21:58:56

Just sat down after a busy and long day, I thought of you. Good luck. smile

tessa6 Fri 21-Jun-13 21:12:40

More, love should be our servant not our master.

Of course you haven't loved anyone like you've loved him. You've forgiven him huge huge betrayals of you. When we invest so much in someone we push our emotional state to reflect and make sense of that investment. If you had done all that and trust this man and you DIDN'T really really love him, well, what on earth would that make you?

If you'v already told him what you've found he's going to be primed and prepared so there's little you can learn. It's possible he's genuinely appalled and sorry and you are so vulnerable and lonely feeling right now you will be searching for desperate comfort from the very person who has hurt you.

Stay independent and detached from him, OP. Have the conversation we discussed having. Fuck 'love' and all the desperate, volatile stuff he's going tobe trying to bring out in you. Was he thinking about his love for you when he idly searched for women he could sleep with on the side on your anniversay.

ageofgrandillusion Fri 21-Jun-13 21:06:53

If you love him so much OP maybe this is your lot in life and you will have to share him with others?

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 20:44:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ahhhcrap Fri 21-Jun-13 20:43:21

Good luck OP

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 21-Jun-13 20:41:53

Stay strong.

Have you tried to find his profile? I would want to see it before confronting him. He will try and say he was just looking (insert lame excuse) but if you have his profile infront of you he can't really say shit, can he

learnasyougo Fri 21-Jun-13 20:40:48

I should add that the backbone didn't appear overnight. I made two attempts at leaving before actually doing it. I borrowed money to buy a ticket home, but once he'd talked me into staying, the airline refunded only 75% of the ticket. He said: "give me the money and I'll make up the 25% shortfall to pay it back".

I chased it up over months but he kept saying he would party soon. It was only after I left (borrowing money again for a flight home) he admitted he'd used the money to buy new tyres for his car angry .

karma visited him though. The biggest serious relationship he had after I left ended when he discovered via facebook she had repeatedly cheated on him. Schadenfreude.grin

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 20:39:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

learnasyougo Fri 21-Jun-13 20:30:59

I was EXACTLY where you are now a few years ago, except I was living thousands of miles away in a foreign country. I found browser history of a site called 'club selingkuh'. I asked my SIL what selingkuh meant. Her face was a picture: it means an affair, like extra-marital stuff.
I was shocked because we hadn't had sex in a year (upsetting enough) and had believed him when he said he wasn't 'normal' sexually - I think he meant asexual (he was always a bit of a prude. We were married for 5 years and I never was allowed to see him naked).

I confronted him about the search history, he went ballistic, it was all an innocent misunderstanding, he was just curious to see why that was the most popular yahoo group for his country.

I gave him another chance (which I don't regret. it was in good faith) but of course he reverted back to his old ways (i found a box of condoms. he claimed a guy at work had given them to him. Uh, who gives their married friend a box of condoms? Especially with us being in a sexless marriage.

I had no cast-iron proof he was shagging elsewhere, but what made me actually ltb was the realisation that it really no longer mattered whether he was or wasn't. The marriage was already over. His behaviour towards me hadn't changed, he was still behaving like a bachelor and if he WASN'T having affairs or ONS, he might as well be. The line of acceptability had already been crossed in the constant breach of trust and clear contempt for my feelings. Even if he were as celibate as a monk it was already too late.

I left the bastard, he followed me to UK to plead for me to come back, and I felt so sorry for him because I knew he didn't stand a bat's chance of talking me round this time.

I'm BEYOND glad I did ltb. Best thing I ever did. I still feel bloody briliant about discovering my backbone. Chap I'm with now is worth a million of my xh. I wondered if I could ever trust again, but now I never worry. I have no reason to.

Your dc will thank you you did this.

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 21-Jun-13 20:27:01

Hope it goes ok OP. my STBXH had an affair. He left to be with OW. Me and the children are fine. Our lives have continued to develop. We do a lot more spontaneous things like swimming after school, picnics in the park etc - things my ex would have hated. I don't have any trust issues which if he had stayed I know I would have done. I am the better person because I'm not a two faced coward Twunt. Hugs.

Change2013 Fri 21-Jun-13 20:15:09

I love that MN phrase! More of the Same, I'm around your age and spent 20 odd years with a cheater (didn't know for a long time). Its over 18 months since I told him to leave. I'm just at the point now where I can accept what happened and feel calm and content with my life. I was so angry for a long time.

I realise that I was in total shock for a few months after I discovered he was cheating again. You are likely in shock now but believe me I feel so much better without him. I'm as no contact as I can be with 3 children.

I am thinking of you tonight.

Wellwobbly Fri 21-Jun-13 19:59:52

Yup. H told me in a text how much he regretted his affair.
The day AFTER he emailed Miss Shiny (which he forgot to delete).

Then there was just a perfect storm. My wonderful children staged an intervention. In which they questioned the situation (his disrespect/my anger), said they dreaded the question but had to answer it, and told of their unhappiness. Lovely brave, wonderful, feeling little people.

We are modelling AWFUL things by staying with these character disordered people. Really.

KatieScarlett2833 Fri 21-Jun-13 19:52:29

Fiiiiiinaleeeeeeee!! Dur Dur Dur Dur Dur...
(Dances like its lorenzos nitespot in the 90s) smile

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 19:33:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonstartree Fri 21-Jun-13 19:32:11

Please don't feel bad about yourself. You are a lovely kind forgiving generous woman who has the misfortune to be married to a man who wouldn't recognize those traits if they smacked him in the face.

Good luck. Metaphorical hand holding and strength to you

To coin a MN phrase. "tell him to Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there, fuck off some more"

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 19:29:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 19:28:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigstrongmama Fri 21-Jun-13 19:28:31

Thinking of you. You are being more than reasonable. This is his mess, his fault. Good luck xx

Oh, and one week on from their dad leaving, my kids are back to their usual selves and having a water fight in the garden. I'm happily reading the paper after a good day, no trust issues in this house! The upside of splitting with a twunt is you get to be strong and whole again.

KatieScarlett2833 Fri 21-Jun-13 18:59:25

You are good and kind and forgiving and lovely.
He is a toad.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Jun-13 18:52:50

Who is perfect?

A basic level of integrity and trustworthiness is the Bare minimum required, and he can't even manage that

KnittedC Fri 21-Jun-13 18:52:02

Another one wishing you luck, strength, resolve and steel here, love.

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