Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Rebuilding trust, then this . .

(112 Posts)
Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 06:33:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blondie1969 Fri 21-Jun-13 18:23:05

from a male perspective i would say to original poster get out now and not waste any more time or energy who someone is not treating you with any respect whatsoever.

If you stay together you will always have trust issues or doubts.

I cannot think of a single genuine excuse why he would be on those sites.

Wishing you all the luck. Advice earlier on is let him do the talking and fill in the gaps.

You are right "enough is enough"

Badvoc Fri 21-Jun-13 18:24:30

Enough is enough.
Move on.
You and your kids deserve better.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 21-Jun-13 18:30:43

This man will never change. Ever.

The fact he was looking at an affair website on your wedding anniversay is so fucking ironic it's sad.

As they say, actions speak louder than words; he told you he would never do it again, spoke a good game but look at his actions: porn and affair hook up sites.

You deserve so much better. Please don't waste another second on this guy.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Jun-13 18:30:49

It's up to you, love

We can't protect you from yourself, I am afraid

Over to you (not him, that is the key)

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 18:32:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc Fri 21-Jun-13 18:34:36

Wishing you all the best x

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 21-Jun-13 18:34:54

Good luck darling

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 18:35:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 21-Jun-13 18:37:32

Definitely shock. You will go through a lot of different emotions in a short space of time so go easy on yourself x

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 18:40:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 21-Jun-13 18:43:06


He is the one who is stupid, pathetic and a whole bunch of expletives I won't bother wasting time writing.

You have three children who think the world of you (being their mother) keep them in mind.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 18:48:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnittedC Fri 21-Jun-13 18:52:02

Another one wishing you luck, strength, resolve and steel here, love.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Jun-13 18:52:50

Who is perfect?

A basic level of integrity and trustworthiness is the Bare minimum required, and he can't even manage that

KatieScarlett2833 Fri 21-Jun-13 18:59:25

You are good and kind and forgiving and lovely.
He is a toad.

bigstrongmama Fri 21-Jun-13 19:28:31

Thinking of you. You are being more than reasonable. This is his mess, his fault. Good luck xx

Oh, and one week on from their dad leaving, my kids are back to their usual selves and having a water fight in the garden. I'm happily reading the paper after a good day, no trust issues in this house! The upside of splitting with a twunt is you get to be strong and whole again.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 19:28:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 19:29:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonstartree Fri 21-Jun-13 19:32:11

Please don't feel bad about yourself. You are a lovely kind forgiving generous woman who has the misfortune to be married to a man who wouldn't recognize those traits if they smacked him in the face.

Good luck. Metaphorical hand holding and strength to you

To coin a MN phrase. "tell him to Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there, fuck off some more"

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 19:33:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieScarlett2833 Fri 21-Jun-13 19:52:29

Fiiiiiinaleeeeeeee!! Dur Dur Dur Dur Dur...
(Dances like its lorenzos nitespot in the 90s) smile

Wellwobbly Fri 21-Jun-13 19:59:52

Yup. H told me in a text how much he regretted his affair.
The day AFTER he emailed Miss Shiny (which he forgot to delete).

Then there was just a perfect storm. My wonderful children staged an intervention. In which they questioned the situation (his disrespect/my anger), said they dreaded the question but had to answer it, and told of their unhappiness. Lovely brave, wonderful, feeling little people.

We are modelling AWFUL things by staying with these character disordered people. Really.

Change2013 Fri 21-Jun-13 20:15:09

I love that MN phrase! More of the Same, I'm around your age and spent 20 odd years with a cheater (didn't know for a long time). Its over 18 months since I told him to leave. I'm just at the point now where I can accept what happened and feel calm and content with my life. I was so angry for a long time.

I realise that I was in total shock for a few months after I discovered he was cheating again. You are likely in shock now but believe me I feel so much better without him. I'm as no contact as I can be with 3 children.

I am thinking of you tonight.

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 21-Jun-13 20:27:01

Hope it goes ok OP. my STBXH had an affair. He left to be with OW. Me and the children are fine. Our lives have continued to develop. We do a lot more spontaneous things like swimming after school, picnics in the park etc - things my ex would have hated. I don't have any trust issues which if he had stayed I know I would have done. I am the better person because I'm not a two faced coward Twunt. Hugs.

learnasyougo Fri 21-Jun-13 20:30:59

I was EXACTLY where you are now a few years ago, except I was living thousands of miles away in a foreign country. I found browser history of a site called 'club selingkuh'. I asked my SIL what selingkuh meant. Her face was a picture: it means an affair, like extra-marital stuff.
I was shocked because we hadn't had sex in a year (upsetting enough) and had believed him when he said he wasn't 'normal' sexually - I think he meant asexual (he was always a bit of a prude. We were married for 5 years and I never was allowed to see him naked).

I confronted him about the search history, he went ballistic, it was all an innocent misunderstanding, he was just curious to see why that was the most popular yahoo group for his country.

I gave him another chance (which I don't regret. it was in good faith) but of course he reverted back to his old ways (i found a box of condoms. he claimed a guy at work had given them to him. Uh, who gives their married friend a box of condoms? Especially with us being in a sexless marriage.

I had no cast-iron proof he was shagging elsewhere, but what made me actually ltb was the realisation that it really no longer mattered whether he was or wasn't. The marriage was already over. His behaviour towards me hadn't changed, he was still behaving like a bachelor and if he WASN'T having affairs or ONS, he might as well be. The line of acceptability had already been crossed in the constant breach of trust and clear contempt for my feelings. Even if he were as celibate as a monk it was already too late.

I left the bastard, he followed me to UK to plead for me to come back, and I felt so sorry for him because I knew he didn't stand a bat's chance of talking me round this time.

I'm BEYOND glad I did ltb. Best thing I ever did. I still feel bloody briliant about discovering my backbone. Chap I'm with now is worth a million of my xh. I wondered if I could ever trust again, but now I never worry. I have no reason to.

Your dc will thank you you did this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now