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Rebuilding trust, then this . .

(112 Posts)
Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 06:33:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicholasTeakozy Fri 21-Jun-13 08:48:14

Why? Have I been too forgiving? Too reasonable? Why?

As Chub said, because he can. You keep on letting him 'get away with it'. He isn't going to change so either suck it up or kick him out.

That sounds harsh, I know, but better to get rid than to have a lifetime of heartache. All the best.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 21-Jun-13 08:48:52

Yes, he went to counselling and seemed to have made insights and changes. I am so utterly devastated and disappointed.

I can imagine how devastated you must besad

Not all cheaters can change - habits, traits and beliefs can be so well ingrained that making long lasting changes is very hard. The only thing that could motivate them is loss - and this is what some posters mean about him not feeling the consequences.

Please remember this is all about HIM, his selfishness and his coping mechanisms.

onefewernow Fri 21-Jun-13 09:16:06

I would say you weren't too forgiving the first time.

If you forgive again you would be.

It shows he hasn't changed, whether he had dtd or not. People don't do actual location searches without intentions.

If he can blah his way out of this one it will just show him you are a pushover.

I would say I am the queen of forgiveness ( forgave 5 years of infidelity), but this would be too much for me.

I am interested in what work you have done on yourself since his last affair? It seems to me that if you won't leave him the best you can do is spend any counselling money on yourself to address why you won't leave him.

I'm sure you know by now that he can't be cured or controlled out of this mindset by anyone else, you included.

He would have to want to change for himself, and he clearly doesn't.

Cabrinha Fri 21-Jun-13 09:34:11

I'm sorry - what an arsehole.
There isn't an innocent explanation.
I've been through this (the finding out, the staying, the finding out again...) also got told he only contacted ("just looking" - they do think we're stupid) never actually met. Bullshit. (within a week of me ending it he was now not bothered enough to leave proof of that where I found it - was less careful with deleting mails / texts).

When I ended it he tried the "just looking" bit and I said "but you know that in itself is enough for me to end it?"

Bear that in mind... It's OK for you to end it even if it was only him looking, which it wasn't - he has gone through with it, or was looking with intent. You do know that. I'm sorry to be blunt.

I stayed for years... ended up miserable in a sexless marriage where every little day to day issue made me disproportionately angry because I had such a base level of anger and contempt towards him.

Do you want herpes? Chlamydia? Ghonnorhea? Worse?
I stopped sleeping with my H, because I didn't.
And why would I even kiss him when I knew what he thought of me?

One of the big reasons I left, that had me in tears more than anything, was knowing my daughter was growing up learning that people in "loving" relationships don't kiss, touch, spend time together.

I can't wait for the day when she sees me kiss my boyfriend. I want to model happy, respectful and physically affectionate relationships for her.

There's a better life for you out there than living with this disrespect, there really is.

lemonstartree Fri 21-Jun-13 10:22:04

I am so sorry he has done this.

If it were me, no matter how complex, no matter how much I loved him I would have to leave, because I could never get over the anger . I might want to , I might tell myself I could/had. But inside I would never ever trust him again and I would know he had zero respect for me, zero concern for the pain, heartache and despair I had already been through. I would know that me, my feelings, meant less to him than looking at websites and searching for more sex with other womes.

Think about it. Did he HAVE to do this ? No, he chose to. Knowing what you have been through, knowing what you have forgiven, he chose to 'look' ( and search) again. What does that say about how he really feels ? he does not believe you will break up the marriage and he doesn't REALLY deep down care about you at all. Because his need to search for married women to have sex with is more important than your heartache.

What a cunt.

I would be SO SO SO angry that I wouldn't want to ever see his cheating lying smug face again. He has destroyed everything you worked for because he is selfish and entitled and cares only about himself.

NONE of this is your fault. please never question yourself bout this. All marriages have ups and downs but decent people do not do this to their partner. You have probably 'normalized' it to some extent " Its only looking" but THINK... If you have deeply hurt your husband , would you do the same things again ????? No. because you would not want HIM to be hurt. He does this because he cares NOTHING for your feelings. They are not as important as his need to search for sex.

I wish you all the best, but please value yourself and get rid. Someone as selfish as this cannot and will not change

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 10:22:32

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'.

There's a massive difference between wanting to forgive and sticking your fingers in your ears and going 'la la la'. Doing nothing and hoping it'll all go away will only make you more upset, more suspicious, more anxious.... more powerless to stop it happening again.

AgathaF Fri 21-Jun-13 11:22:08

I made it absolutely crystal clear that one more strike and he's out. You might have said the words but you didn't mean them. He knows that.

He will not change. He doesn't need to change. You have to decide if you can live a life where you know he shags around, or if you want a better life for yourself. If you want better, your only option is to separate.

ladyjadie Fri 21-Jun-13 11:51:40

You will only make yourself seriously ill if you stay now imo. It will eat away at you no matter what excuses he comes up with. You don't deserve that, nobody does. You desperately want him to change, but he hasn't, despite his efforts. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this, but you do have a way to be happy. It just has to be without him.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 13:31:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 13:34:14

Better to be alone with your self-respect intact than to share your life with someone who doesn't even respect you enough to be honest....

AThingInYourLife Fri 21-Jun-13 13:38:24

Don't bother confronting him.

That just creates a debate where he can plead his pathetic case and try to talk you into making yourself miserable overlooking how badly he treats you.

Just tell him what you know and what that means for your marriage, and ask him to go.

Ideally have someone with you as moral support and to act as a buffer against him trying to have it out.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 13:40:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Fri 21-Jun-13 13:49:25

What AThing said. It's not a discussion. If you have decided its over then his opinion isn't really relevant.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 13:59:25

I am not the best with words, and I agree with everything everyone else has said.

If I were you, I'd start getting angry instead of sad. You say he respects you... How can you believe that when he'd risk giving you/someone else a disease, risk getting another woman pregnant - And then what? You'd be even more crushed, but could you respect him for abandoning his child? -

He has no respect for you and thinks you're a doormat. That's what would hurt me the most and that's what would ENRAGE me the most.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 14:04:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigstrongmama Fri 21-Jun-13 14:13:21

There is no healthy way to 'process and deal with this' while you are still in a relationship with him. I know you don't want to hear LTB, but you know it is the only sane response.

Don't listen to his excuses for this, there is no valid excuse, just bullshit.

The kids will be sad, but much better to go through dad leaving now than have years of misery due to an illusion of family life. I am newly separated, it is very hard, but I know ultimately long-term it is best for me and my children. Can you go back to your counsellor for some support? It seems the responsibility of deciding whether the relationship continues is down to you - it's not your fault though. Your husband clearly doesn't want it to continue, since actions speak louder than words.

Can you decide how you want to proceed and then tell him, rather than giving him a chance to excuse himself?

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 14:27:09

If you have a DD, you will be showing her the sort of respect she deserves in a relationship. If you have a DS, you will be showing him to respect women and how his father's 'habit' is disgusting, offensive, cruel and dangerous to the health of the person he 'loves.'

Of course same for DD, but since he is the cheat and often children model relationships after their parents, I hope you know what I mean.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 14:27:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Jun-13 14:34:26

The 'having cake and eating it' issue, you mean? That's what a lot of sleazy men want... yes. Do you want to be with a sleazy man?

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 14:35:47

No, he wants the good life. Wife, kids, nice home, warm food, stability, love.

He also wants to shag who he feels like. Nothing to do with you because you're just 'part of the family package.' He's proved he wants a docile little wifey who takes care of him but he doesn't have to respect by what he just did. He hasn't and won't ever change.

As another poster said, he parroted the right words and waited for the dust to settle. That's just so... Cold. He knew how devastated you were, just how dark your days were and what did he do? He bided his time so he could do it again.

That's just... So cold.

BananaRaces Fri 21-Jun-13 14:40:30

If he does want the relationship to continue he's got a funny way of showing it - if you made it clear that you would split up if there was any more betrayal. When he was searching for someone to hook up with, he knew it would upset you, knew it might mean the end of your relationship...and yet he did it anyway. That is how little respect he has for your feelings. I know that sounds harsh, but I think it's the truth.
I would be packing my bags if it were me...I know we are all different but please think carefully before staying in a relationship with someone who has so little respect for your feelings.

Hopasholic Fri 21-Jun-13 15:12:12

Athinginyourlife has posted my thoughts exactly but I AM going to reiterate as I can tell you're way off accepting that it's over.

There is no discussion. Don't get into one, just tell him to go.

Living like this for the rest of your life is NOT worth it. You've given him how many chances? Your OP states 'affair and ONS's < plural

It is however your choice entirely of course BUT even if you do make the decision to have him back yet again ( hope you don't but it's your life after all) you have to make him leave tonight in order to get some breathing space and time to grieve. It will send him a very clear message as he clearly has so little respect for you and you can't see the woods for the trees. Hopefully the time on your own will make you realise you deserve much much better.

You absolutely WILL get over this. He won't change. flowers

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 16:01:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tessa6 Fri 21-Jun-13 16:18:08

You poor poor thing. Don't worr, you're not alone, I promise. You need to break it down and stop thinking about the rest of life or massive huge things. Let's just deal with what happens now.

Think about what a vulnerable place you are in. You know I think what he will probably say. You are also probably afraid he will be able to persuade you. "I haven't DONE anything...!' etc etc.

You need to get through the conversation with a very solid idea of what is and is not acceptable to you. You have TOLD him that one more strike and he's out. You have indisputable evidence that he was CONSIDERING extra-marital sex and not theoretically, the location search proves that.

Only you know, without him in the room, what that means. It means he is, deep down, a philanderer. A bit of a player. A sleazy guy who, despite having put his wife through what he has is not satisfied to commit to a world of fidelity.

Be strong in this, because when you confront him you are going to feel rocked. He is, as most cheaters do, going to get angry with you, or teary with you, and try and manipulate or punish you for having found him out. This is an ordinary, if disgusting reaction.

I cannot live a life with someone who I know is like this. Say that over and over because and until it is a fact. Whatever argument he has will not be able to overpower that if it is true. He is considering it. Around his WORK place too. Far away from you.

Everything else can be dealt with step by step. Can you search for other evidence that will support you further? Is it possible he has acted out on this search and bank statements or phone bills might support that?

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 16:28:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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