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I have feelings for my boss. We're both married. Help!

(56 Posts)
Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 18:20:54

I am not going to cheat on my husband who I love very much. But I'm incredibly physically attracted to my boss. We sit next to each other all day at work and just the way he smells makes me crazy with wanting too have sex with him. We will in future sometimes have to travel together for work which will involve staying at the same hotel.

I do not want to and am determined not to cheat. In fact I want to flip a switch and see my boss as just another colleague who I can share a laugh with and that's it. So how do I make these thoughts and feelings go away?

My husband and I don't have much of a sex life and aren't really compatible that way. I thought I just wasn't a very sexual person... Until I met my boss.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Jun-13 18:28:30

Grow up... ?

superbagpuss Thu 20-Jun-13 18:30:01

can you move to a different department? get a new job?

find something that revolts you about him and only think about that?

see a picture of his wife and children to remains you they are real people?

Dahlen Thu 20-Jun-13 18:31:12

You need to recognise that it's not your boss that's making you feel this way. It's sexual frustration. You've focused it on him simply because he's in close proximity to you. Because desire makes you feel desirable in turn, it becomes a self-propagating urge that builds in intensity until you're where you're at now. If fed it will spill into lust. If starved it will simply wither away given time. What it won't do is turn into love.

Do you love your husband?

Incidentally, the only way this could turn into a cheating situation is if your boss is interested too. If he's giving signs that he is, consider the prospect that you're being played.

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 18:39:37

Cogito, not helpful.

Superbag, I can't move to another dept but seeing a photo of his wife would help (none of us have kids). I'm working on finding something revolting and hopefully he'll do something very unpleasant soon!

I do love my husband, very much. The thought of betraying him and having to live with that is just unbearable. I need to figure out a way to direct that lust at my husband, just don't know how.

scaevola Thu 20-Jun-13 18:46:40

I think you should start polishing your CV and seek a transfer/promotion/new job.

The new job would be needed if you ever acted on this. But hopefully a silly crush will subside, especially if you take active steps to smother it.

The declaration "but I don't want to cheat" isn't enough to affair-proof your marriage.

Try the Shirley Glass book, "Not Just Friends".

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Jun-13 18:54:13

Is your DH physically incapable of sex? Disabled? Platonic love is great between friends but it's a crap basis for a marriage if you have a normal libido and the idea is to 'keep thee only unto him' etc. Put down the steamy novels that substitute for your sex-life ('direct that lust'?), put down your boss and have a grown-up conversation with your DH about the future. Enough with the breathy girly stuff.... it's demeaning.

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 18:59:47

Your tone is demeaning, cogito, though I do agree with the message.

brokenhearted55 Thu 20-Jun-13 19:00:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aetae Thu 20-Jun-13 19:01:31

I agree with Cogito's suggestion. You need to put on your big girl pants and give yourself a talking to.

This kind of thing happens. It's happened to me (irrational passionate crush on colleague, not acted on). It doesn't mean anything, it's your hormones ruling your head. The flush of new lust is not something you can compare to a marriage, you'll probably never feel like that about your husband again (which isn't a bad thing, the honeymoon feeling is unsustainable day to day).

Honestly the only way around the problem is to talk yourself out of it, and under no circumstances flirt (other people will notice, you'll make it worse, it will all end in tears). Or get a new job, which seems extreme.

MadBusLady Thu 20-Jun-13 19:02:17

She wants the problem to go away. She is under no illusions that any of this is remotely a good idea. She is not in need of withering put-downs.

I have no idea whether couples' counselling could fix this, if you've never been compatible this way. Have you ever discussed it with your husband as a problem, or is it just the way things are/have always been?

MadBusLady Thu 20-Jun-13 19:03:47

x-posts, I read the OP as suggesting there had never been a "honeymoon period" - which is not unknown, and can even work, as long as both parties are happy with it.

IHateWinter Thu 20-Jun-13 19:05:42

I agree with Dahlen. Your sex life with your husband is the problem. If you are really sincere about not wanting anything to happen with your boss the quickest, easiest way to kill this in the water is to tell your husband that you are sexually attracted to another man at work. Tell him you are finding it difficult to cope with your sex life as it is and you feel that his lack of effort is putting you in the way of temptation.

Do not keep these feelings a secret. By doing so you are already cheating to a degree. You don't need to be talking here. You need to be frank and honest at home. Stuff your husbands feelings. If he's a real man he'll feel threatened that you are having such urges for someone else and do something to help change it.

Personally I think if someone in a relationship starves their partner of sexual intimacythey can't complain when they fall foul of sexual temptation.

You have to work it out between you. But keeping this to yourself is the first step to disaster.

Optimist1 Thu 20-Jun-13 19:05:44

Perhaps the "something revolting" that he'll do will be to make a move on you. Agree with Cogito - you need to act like a grown-up married woman.

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 19:11:25

The huge shit ... It's maybe working! Lol brilliant, thank you brokenhearted.

No there never was a honeymoon period, but I'm definitely determined to stay together with my husband.

The no flirting thing .... Please can I have some tips on that? Where I work it is mostly men with very, very few women (around 90% men). There are a lot of rumours of affairs surrounding many of the women but not all. How do I ensure there aren't rumours about me and boss when I do have to work very closely with him and we do get along really well? Only real problem is that we're nervous around each other which other people may pick up on. But I do mention my husband a lot and have pictures of him up at my desk including our wedding photo. Boss doesn't display photos of his wife or wear a wedding ring, though I know that doesn't matter.

scaevola Thu 20-Jun-13 19:15:41

You are projecting your lust onto him "we're nervous around each other" WTF.

Change jobs, or divorce before you shag.

Youu're looking for temptation/justification already. Who cares about his taste in photos or jewellery? Only someone who is already talking herself into an affair.

VBisme Thu 20-Jun-13 19:20:25

Polish up your CV and get a new job, no good will come of this.

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 19:25:10

I am not talking myself into an affair nor am I going to look for a new job, but, uh thanks? I'm actually looking to NOT have an affair and to keep my job. I know I'm not a freak or a bad person for having these feelings so good luck to you trying to convince me that I am! Repeat - am not looking to have an affair, am looking for help in making these feelings go away! Ffs.

scaevola Thu 20-Jun-13 19:28:58

"I'm not going to have an affair" offer s*zero protection*

It is seriously important that you realise this. And that your actions are getting perilously close to the slippery slope, of not already there. It's hard to see this when you are in "the bubble" but that doesn't mean it's not happening. Nor that it isn't blazingly obvious to an outsider at your protestations about wanting to remain faithful are just words.

I reiterate my recommendation for the Shirley Glass book.

And a change of job.

VBisme Thu 20-Jun-13 19:43:04

Fine, I was in your position, but you clearly aren't interested in listening to advice.

Oh and you don't flirt by appearing aloof and remaining professional, hardly difficult........


Aetae Thu 20-Jun-13 20:02:38

I'm not sure how helpful it is, but when I was in your position I decided not to feel those things. I blocked the crush with thoughts of my husband every time they came up. Not easy but it can be done.

SamsGoldilocks Thu 20-Jun-13 20:06:10

So what are you going to do about your relationship with your husband?

Has there been chemistry? Or was it always thus, because if so you need to think about whether this is really what you want long term.

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 20:09:09

I would love some advice but, and sorry to drip feed, I am the sole breadwinner and in my industry jobs are not easy to get and would involve moving which we can't afford to do.

I did the Shirley glass quiz about EAs and scored a one, to the question "are you aware of sexual tensions" because I am, but only on my side. I don't flirt, don't go for coffee with him, and don't joke around with him more than with other colleagues. I do get nervous around him but am hoping to pass that off as him just being the boss. And I think he only gets nervous because I get nervous. I don't dress sexy, I wear sensible shoes and very little makeup, my hair is short and neat and professional. I dot sit next to him at group meetings and would never dream of going for a drink after work, etc. I do think when we travel together it would be weird not to go for a meal but I could just say I'm not hungry or just order room service?

Aetae I try to do that and I also talk about my husband at work - nice things only of course.

I just went to lie down and my husband came into the room and he said "I won't attack you, you're tired" and I said "I'm tired but you can still attack me!" And he said no, you've had a busy day. It's so awkward! There isn't any sexual desire for him on my part nor I don't think on his part for me. I love him though, he's my best friend, and I don't want to leave him or cheat. Those are not just words.

I am not a cheater and just picture myself on my deathbed with my husband looking after me, feeling like a fraud and a waste. That is the best way I can think about it to see that cheating is just not worth it. But ffs it is difficult, at least for me. Boss has not shown any willingness or inclination to cheat apart from nervousness, it's all in my head almost certainly but it's doing my head in sad

KristinaFranziska Thu 20-Jun-13 20:13:42

OK, my take:

Reality is that human race only survives due to attraction.
You are experiencing attraction: it may be physical, mental, emotional, hormonal. It may go both ways and it may not. You are feeling this and deeply: hooray! that's normal and wonderful and delicious. BUT and it is a BUT, you can choose to acknowledge it (which you have done here and congratulations!) and you can also choose to not act on it.

Likelihood is that when a man sleeps with a woman other than his wife it's an ego boost, a physical release like scratching a big itch, or having a drink in the pub 'cos he fancies a pint. It's just a "nice" thing to do for himself. There's no love. There's no respect because a respectful man would not "use" a colleage.

Likelihood is that when a woman sleeps with a man, it is perceived as an emotional intimacy. A desire to fill the void from the marriage.

Outcome: man's focus from his own marriage is diluted and his sexual energies go elsewhere than the woman he (may have) promised his fidelity to. Her marriage suffers because it's integrity is broken.
Woman falls in love 'cos that's how our hormones work, is hooked in and ends up even more unhappy because her choice is to give him up or to settle for crumbs of snatched attention.

I have never yet met a woman whose long term self esteem is boosted by an affair. Long term she gets rejected because he will stay with his wife, and if he doesn't she can never trust her new partner not to repeat the affair.

There's lots you can do to examine your own marriage in detail and improve things there.

First question to ask I suggest:
What attracted you to your husband in the first place?
What made you choose him over all the other available men?

Notgoingto Thu 20-Jun-13 20:23:43

Thank you so much, Kristina, what you said is so helpful and I thin you're absolutely right. I know if I were to have an affair I would just end up miserable and hating myself. I also think this attraction to the boss is a way of escaping my true problems, of which I have several, including lack of a real sex life with my husband.

What attracted me to my husband is he is the kindest, most caring person I have ever met. In addition he's extremely talented, hardworking and creative. But there was never really a sexual attraction between us. In the past with boyfriends they would pester me for sex and it was really annoying and I felt kind of disgusted by it (I was sexually abused as a child). So until I got this crush I thought having a nearly sexless marriage was ideal. I need therapy, I think!

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