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me again! its still going on (long sorry)

(104 Posts)
vanilla01 Thu 20-Jun-13 06:53:20

silly really that im even here asking for help again and not seeing it through. but i am terrified of going - im so bloody weak.
its still going on - my OH totally controlling everything i do and then tells me its my fault! is it?
ive been with him for 20 years - 2 children and 1 child from a previous relationship which he wants nothing to do with. has nothing to do with my mum and dad - he doesnt like them for some reason - never has - they have never done anything to my knowledge to upset him.
i worked up until i had the kids he pestered me to leave work which i didnt want to but he wore me down - moaning that nothing got done at home whilst i worked (he has his own business and i do all the bookwork for ect for the business too) - so i left work. he still moaned.
his agument is he brings in the money the least i could do is keep the house clean, do all the admin work for the business that keeps a roof over our head. but according to him i do nothing, i never clean properly, there are always mistakes with the bookwork. i use HIS car but never keep it clean, i dont displine the kids properly. "he gets up at the crack of dawn everyday to work 15 hour days for me to take the piss - but im happy spending his money" seriously if i meet the mums for a coffee he is on the phone asking why this that and the other hasnt been done. im always on tender hooks and either dont go on coffee mornings now - or go for about 20 minutes and rush home before he can call me.
he even went away to portugual with his mates last week for 4 days (because he bloody works hard and deserves a break) and during that time i went to a spa for my friends 40th (not something i do often and was really looking forward to it) - he even controlled me from portugual, rang me constantly - and if i didnt answer the phone which i couldnt at times he sent me text messages saying "oh too busy to answer your phone as usual" then called me asking why the kids werent at home whilst i was out enjoying myself (they were at a brownies event with my mum up at the village hall) - put a total downer on my day.

about 2 years ago i started baking - basically i have never wanted to be a stay at home mum, im one of those people that has a bit of ambition and always looking for something creative to do. so its was by accident i found that i could bake. i had challenged myself to bake the kids birthday cakes - and it just started from there - people are now constantly asking me to bake them cakes. i foolishly thought he would love that - im bringing in money - at home with kids ect. oh my god he hates it - and over the 2 years has kicked up such a fuss when i have been baking - "oh you can bake for tom dick and harry, but you cant clean the house for your family or type up this letter for one of my clients ect ect"
i have had to start baking in secret how crazy is that baking CAKES in secret, as soon as he walks out the door at 5am in the morning. anyway he found out that i had been baking and has thrown a complete paddy - telling me im selfish, i do nothing around the house, all i want to do is stuff for myself, i spend all day baking to earn nothing, and use his money to buy all the ingredients - he would love to stand at home and bake all day but he has to earn a living for us ect ect.

im droning on again - but the bottom line is i am terrified of leaving, why i dont know - i dont want to be with him - i hate him. the kids adore him. i dont think he would let me leave without a fight. it would complelty destroy the kids. ive thought about leaving on my own - just going without a trace. im on antidepressants because i hit such a low point. they help me cope with it all i think. i dont sleep, constantly on edge wondering what i have done wrong today, what am i going to get told off about today. i ahve no self worth - i hate myself, constantly digging myself out. what am i going to do? x thanks for listening

thefrozensouth Tue 25-Jun-13 07:11:11

Vanilla I'm so pleased you're taking steps towards a better future for you and your children.

The diary sounds a great idea. Have you talked to anyone in RL yet? Your parents maybe? Asking them to look after your cake stuff may be a way to start telling them what's going on - immensely difficult, I know.

Take care, and Katy is right, you need to be aware at some stage he will seek to totally control you again with niceness or shoutiness or whatever - stay strong and keep moving forward with your small steps.

Jux Mon 24-Jun-13 13:15:21

Oh well done, Vanilla!

Making plans and acting on them is the only way forward. Small steps at first - gathering paperwork, making copies, protecting the important bits of your life, ready to pick up - lead to bigger steps. Before you know it you'll be living the life you want.

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 24-Jun-13 13:12:13

Please be careful. He will sense that something is different with you and will seek to get the keep you under his thumb.

AgathaF Mon 24-Jun-13 12:28:09

Well done for making plans. Can you take copies of any documents you can't remove from the house - his P60s, anything that proves his income really, mortgage stuff etc. If in doubt take it or take a copy of it.

I know you say you don't want anything from him, but in reality you must get what is legally yours to bring up your joint children and house them for the foreseeable future.

Do you have anyone locally that you can leave stuff with so that he will not find out what you are doing?

SlittySluttySlots Mon 24-Jun-13 10:18:41

Vanilla - you sound like a different woman already smile

I think you're right about the baking stuff - he knows how important that is so I would protect that well! As a fellow baker, I also know it's not cheap and you don't want to have to basically start from scratch with your new business if you don't have to!

Tough times ahead but hopefully also times to get excited about - wish you strength & luck

paulapantsdown Mon 24-Jun-13 10:15:05

really pleased to see your positive outlook on this situation OP, and the plans you are making

this wont be easy, but make a list (well hidden), and work your way through it - when the list is complete (lawyer/finances/somewhere to live etc) JUST GO! you will ever regret it

CocktailQueen Mon 24-Jun-13 09:52:12

Oh OP, I feel for you. I felt anxious and on edge just reading what your horrendously controlling, bully of a h makes you do. He sounds unhinged. NOTHING could be worse than living like this, can it? I think once you leave it will be a HUGE relief.

The kids will be happier; you will be MUCH happier.

Start planning to leave. If you can't walk out the door today, start planning. Get your financial information in order, birth certificates And other paperwork together, etc. Make an appointment to see a solicitor. Just start planning.

Good luck. <holds your hand>

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 24-Jun-13 09:44:29

I am relieved to hear that you're starting to prepare for leaving. If you do this, you will actually be able to walk away from him when he goes off on you again, rather than just think about it.

vanilla01 Mon 24-Jun-13 09:25:18

honeyandrum - you are right - when i met OH the things that should of been red flagged by me at the time werent because they were nothing in comparison to my DS's dad who was a complete scary bully that i was petrified of. OH was a pussy cat in comparison - dont make it right but my outlook was very much sku'd by my past.

i feel very positive today and feel im moving in the right direction. ive also started collecting all my paperwork ect and putting into a file ready.
i have looked at a storage warehouse to start putting my cake stuff in mainly because thats the first place he will hit me - by destroying it all, and once i go i will need it all to set up my business properly.
thank u everyone for your help i really appreciate it x

HoneyandRum Mon 24-Jun-13 08:10:32

Maybe because you were comparing him to a man who had beaten you up? To you it seemed like an improvement and evidence that he really cared about you?

Although in reality he is deeply insecure and needs to control you to keep his fear in check.

vanilla01 Mon 24-Jun-13 05:47:44

hi yes - im fine guys - thanks xxx
thefrozensouth - ive started a diary and am jotting all the things that happen daily down. its funny but ive started remembering things from years ago - like one of our early dates - we were sitting in a pub and he just randomly asked me why i was eyeing up the blokes at the bar. i remember thinking oh he has made a mistake - maybe i looked up and it looked that way, which is what i said. he threw a complete strop and walked out. - i chased after him, found myself apologising and then spending the next week talking myself through it wondering if i really was eyeing up the blokes at the bar without realising. WHY didnt i see the signs back then. it all sort of adds up now.

GeekLove Sun 23-Jun-13 09:14:27

Remember if you wobble see this thread. Can you start moving small amounts of money and possessions to your parents?

thefrozensouth Sun 23-Jun-13 09:03:02

Yes, do keep posting OP and also think of one thing you're going to do today to start making changes to your life, if that's what you want.

That's what I did - one thing each day. It might only be a small thing like taking photocopies of bank statements. Another day it might seem like a lot bigger thing like phoning Womens Aid or tellng your parents what your life is really like (and what's the guessing they'll say they already knew). This way at least you're moving forward (little by little)towards freedom, not staying stuck.

MrsTomHardy Sat 22-Jun-13 21:03:09

Hope you're ok OP

EspressoMonkey Sat 22-Jun-13 20:46:51

I adore my father too, but if my mother had found the strength to leave him i would have been very relieved and very supportive of her decision.

Don't think that your DCs don't know what you go through. I wish my mother had left my father, she would have had a better life without him. He was a lovely father but a horrible and controlling husband who wore her down to an early grave. Unfortunatly my DSis has married a man like our father, and she too is struggling to find the courage to leave him.

Goodluck OP, but please do find the strength to leave, so your own DCs don't go to bed at night and lie awake with regret for never saying "Mum, it's ok, you can leave him, it is the RIGHT thing to do, do it before you die. Be happy before you die because i have never seen you happy and that makes me so sad".

vanilla01 Sat 22-Jun-13 19:44:32

Thanks alicedoesntlivehere and timeofchange for ur lovely words x

TimeofChange Sat 22-Jun-13 19:14:33

Vanilla, don't get let the critics get you down and put you off posting here for support.

Some of us make more unwise decisions in our lives than others do and often then cannot see a way out, especially when you are runnning a business together.

You have access to his business accounts and bank account statements, can you take copies before he possibly starts hiding money.

Best wishes to you for your new life.

vanilla01 Sat 22-Jun-13 19:05:51

thanks slittysluttyslots - do you know i didnt even realise i posted exactly a year ago - i remeber posting before - but totally forgot when it was. i think after that last post it got bad and i walked out and he begged me to come back - i then got better for a while - but slowly worse and we are here again

thefrozensouth Sat 22-Jun-13 19:05:10

What's life going to be like for you next June? That's June 2014.

Will there be another post from you saying all this yet again?

Or will you be telling us how life is for you and your 3 DCs, one year on, after you found the courage to break away from your life of fear?

SlittySluttySlots Sat 22-Jun-13 18:49:53

Obviously don't know where you are in the UK but if you copy & paste this link, you can find the help closest to you:

(sorry, on phone so can't make it an active link!)

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sat 22-Jun-13 18:47:13

bestsonever - probably not the most helpful to take potshots at the OP, is it? Telling them you no longer have sympathy because of that? It's rough, yes, but let's be reasonable - she's been through hell and her "normal" has been relocated several times over - and beating her up over it isn't going to help. She's already said she's upset over what she did. Lots of women in DV situations do things that they would never consider in normal relationships - this is pretty common knowledge. Cut her some slack and try just being supportive.

SlittySluttySlots Sat 22-Jun-13 18:45:05

I'm with thedhtotalnob to the point i checked the date of the OP...

Is it anniversary time or something that makes you reassess about now because, iirc you had the exact sane advice last time...

you know you should leave for you, for your young DC and for your own DS - what is really stopping you..

Call Women's Aid - they will want to help you but only if you want to help yourself! I will see if I can find the number for you

vanilla01 Sat 22-Jun-13 18:36:03

bestsonever - im also not after any sympathy - honestly. i came on here to get some advise and some help. yes i am weak, otherwise i would have left by now. yes i am scared. but as you seem to also know so much about me and my issues - you may want to know that my sons dad beat the shit out of me and treated me like trash. and when i left him - sorry, when i ran away out the front door from him straight to the police because i was so frightened, meeting someone like my OH 5 years later was a breeze in comparison. five years it took for me to trust anyone after my relationship with my sons dad.
didnt really want to go there and blurt all this out.

vanilla01 Sat 22-Jun-13 18:26:46

your right bestsonever - if you read through my posts i clearly said i did let this happen! but i will also say i lived with and bought up my son - just me and him from day one up to when he was 18 and when he left home. i only saw my OH at weekends, if that, and rest of the time was a mother had a full time job and did all the things a mum does, schooling, holidays everything. i only had my daughter by him after DS had left home - i could of chosen to have a child by him before he was 18 and fled the nest but i chose not to. i waited. i wish to go now i never did. beleive me. maybe i have issues - who knows - i thought i was pretty normal up to about 3 years ago.

DHtotalnob Sat 22-Jun-13 16:26:21

OP this thread is almost exactly the same as the one you posted in June 2012. Last I read your house was going on the market.

I do understand that things are easier said than done, especially where EA is involved and obviously you didn't feel able to follow through with your decision last year. Why was that? And what has happened now to push you to the edge again? Maybe identifying those things might help you achieve a different outcome this time.

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