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me again! its still going on (long sorry)

(104 Posts)
vanilla01 Thu 20-Jun-13 06:53:20

silly really that im even here asking for help again and not seeing it through. but i am terrified of going - im so bloody weak.
its still going on - my OH totally controlling everything i do and then tells me its my fault! is it?
ive been with him for 20 years - 2 children and 1 child from a previous relationship which he wants nothing to do with. has nothing to do with my mum and dad - he doesnt like them for some reason - never has - they have never done anything to my knowledge to upset him.
i worked up until i had the kids he pestered me to leave work which i didnt want to but he wore me down - moaning that nothing got done at home whilst i worked (he has his own business and i do all the bookwork for ect for the business too) - so i left work. he still moaned.
his agument is he brings in the money the least i could do is keep the house clean, do all the admin work for the business that keeps a roof over our head. but according to him i do nothing, i never clean properly, there are always mistakes with the bookwork. i use HIS car but never keep it clean, i dont displine the kids properly. "he gets up at the crack of dawn everyday to work 15 hour days for me to take the piss - but im happy spending his money" seriously if i meet the mums for a coffee he is on the phone asking why this that and the other hasnt been done. im always on tender hooks and either dont go on coffee mornings now - or go for about 20 minutes and rush home before he can call me.
he even went away to portugual with his mates last week for 4 days (because he bloody works hard and deserves a break) and during that time i went to a spa for my friends 40th (not something i do often and was really looking forward to it) - he even controlled me from portugual, rang me constantly - and if i didnt answer the phone which i couldnt at times he sent me text messages saying "oh too busy to answer your phone as usual" then called me asking why the kids werent at home whilst i was out enjoying myself (they were at a brownies event with my mum up at the village hall) - put a total downer on my day.

about 2 years ago i started baking - basically i have never wanted to be a stay at home mum, im one of those people that has a bit of ambition and always looking for something creative to do. so its was by accident i found that i could bake. i had challenged myself to bake the kids birthday cakes - and it just started from there - people are now constantly asking me to bake them cakes. i foolishly thought he would love that - im bringing in money - at home with kids ect. oh my god he hates it - and over the 2 years has kicked up such a fuss when i have been baking - "oh you can bake for tom dick and harry, but you cant clean the house for your family or type up this letter for one of my clients ect ect"
i have had to start baking in secret how crazy is that baking CAKES in secret, as soon as he walks out the door at 5am in the morning. anyway he found out that i had been baking and has thrown a complete paddy - telling me im selfish, i do nothing around the house, all i want to do is stuff for myself, i spend all day baking to earn nothing, and use his money to buy all the ingredients - he would love to stand at home and bake all day but he has to earn a living for us ect ect.

im droning on again - but the bottom line is i am terrified of leaving, why i dont know - i dont want to be with him - i hate him. the kids adore him. i dont think he would let me leave without a fight. it would complelty destroy the kids. ive thought about leaving on my own - just going without a trace. im on antidepressants because i hit such a low point. they help me cope with it all i think. i dont sleep, constantly on edge wondering what i have done wrong today, what am i going to get told off about today. i ahve no self worth - i hate myself, constantly digging myself out. what am i going to do? x thanks for listening

pictish Thu 20-Jun-13 09:53:37

What is his reasoning for not letting your kids see their brother??

He sounds deeply disturbing OP.

vanilla01 Thu 20-Jun-13 10:25:11

thank u guys - means alot to me xx

pictish Thu 20-Jun-13 10:35:48

im a deceitful person that takes the piss out of him. i do everything for myself. and he is fed up with it

No darling, no. His sense of entitlement and ownership over you means that he believes that anything you may do, that is not for him, is an abomination that must be squashed.
In his mind your role is to priotitise what he wants at all times. He is so entrenched in this thinking that he is offended and threatened by your 'insubordination'.

How DARE you have interests and ambitions that do not centre around him?

He is King Dick, and you are his servant. It is not a servant's place to have their own agenda. It is a servant's place to dance to his tune when he blows his whistle.

If you want to spend the rest of your life playing servant to King Dick then stay.

I'd rather be Queen of my own castle. And I think you would too. Get the fuck out of there!!!

FeegleFion Thu 20-Jun-13 10:40:10

Ok, I just want you to have a think about this scenario.

Lets say Saturday morning you decide to make some scrambled eggs for breakfast.

You offer DH a plate and he tastes the eggs.

"There's too much salt in these eggs, they're disgusting."

Now everyone else thinks they're lovely and you know you didn't over salt them.

Next morning you decide to make scrambled eggs again.

You make sure you don't over salt them but again, DH tells you they are disgusting as this time you haven't put enough salt in.

Now you've been making scrambled eggs for many years and you know that on both mornings they taste absolutely fine and are seasoned perfectly.

It's never going to be right for your DH.

Scrambled eggs is a very simple analogy but it demonstrates the point I want to make perfectly.

Domestic Abuse is not just about being beaten. It's much more than that.

I dislike the use of DV as a lot of women in your position (and I'm not suggesting you) are unaware that they are, in fact, being abused.

You would very much benefit from seeking support from a local DA service.

vanilla01 Thu 20-Jun-13 10:55:25

feeglefon - you are so right - i can never do anything right. i could clean the house until it sparkled and he would find fault. he says i jump when someone else asks me to do something but when he asks or the kids i dont do it - which is totally unfair becuase i work my socks off here at home for him and the kids - in fact i dont stop becuase if i sat down for a minute and he saw me i wouldnt hear the last of it.
pictish - you are also so right - he has never wanted to be a part of my sons (from a previous relationships) life because he is mixed race - yes thats right - pathetic isnt it - but i have allowed it to carry on becuase i am so weak. i have always maintained my relationship with my son, but my OH wont have any part in it - and has therefore kept him away from the kids (his half brother and sister)

pictish Thu 20-Jun-13 11:01:02

It's beyond pathetic OP - it's sinister. Imagine stopping your children from having a loving brother because he is a racist! He treats your beloved son like a dirty secret the utter fucker!!!
He is so supremely attogant in his dominance over you, he has done away with your own child!!!

You are not weak - you have been browbeaten and bullied into submission.

Now is the time to say NO MORE! NO FUCKING MORE!!

pictish Thu 20-Jun-13 11:02:07

I meant arrogant obviously.

FeegleFion Thu 20-Jun-13 11:08:28

You are not weak Vanilla however, this man is controlling and after 20 years, has most definitely eroded your confidence, self esteem and your support system (by ensuring your relationships with your parents and your son is strained).

It does him no good to have you working and even by making cakes it lessens his total control.

I work with women experiencing DA and my advice to you, is to seek support.

Are you ready to leave? If not, start now to empower yourself so that that day is on the horizon.

Call a DA helpline, either one local to you or WA. Start talking to people who understand and can offer support, advice or even just an anonymous non-judgemental ear.

If you are ready to leave, contact one of the above to ask for assistance (refuge space) or to discuss your options.

Make sure you have all of your important documentation together, in a safe place that you can access easily and if at all possible, keep some emergency money hidden from him in a bank account that he doesn't have access to.

Helennn Thu 20-Jun-13 15:03:22

How did you get on Vanilla, when your h came home? Were u able to say your piece at all?

I rarely post, but i was so sad to read this i had to. It is as bad a case of emotional abuse as i've read on here before. Please get out.

vanilla01 Fri 21-Jun-13 06:37:02

helennn - he came home from work and refused to speak to me - i stayed in my daughters bedroom. he came into her bedroom after a while and said - you are just staying in here for attention, its always about you!!!!!

TWAT - i said under my breath.

its funny because when he came home my daughter went up to him and said daddy mummy doesnt love you!!! god knows where she got that from becuase i never said anything to her.

Lweji Fri 21-Jun-13 06:43:18

Because she knows.
Children are more aware of things than we ever realise.

vanilla01 Fri 21-Jun-13 06:58:24

lweji - i thought it was going to kick off when she said that - his face was like thunder - but he never said a thing. my heart was in my mouth!

Lweji Fri 21-Jun-13 08:21:04

He probably didn't want to open that door by saying something.
Would you have reassured him?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Fri 21-Jun-13 08:30:12

Your children are being seriously damaged by this situation. I hope you can see that. It will not destroy them if you left, that is silly logic and just you looking for reasons not to act. It will destroy them if you stay. Their personalities will be shaped by this horrible bully, they will learn either to be abusers or to accept abuse as normal. The will turn his abuse on them as they get older.

Please, please talk to women's aid. You need to open your eyes to what is happening and you probably need help to do that.

NandH Fri 21-Jun-13 08:48:08

Get away, as far away as possible from this arsehole!!!

Pilgit Fri 21-Jun-13 08:58:39

Your children probably do not adore him. They are doing what they need to to ensure they are not on the receiving end of his bile. They won't even realise it. They should not be taught that treating their mother like this I a acceptable. Will it really destroy them to live with a mother who doesn't live in constant fear? Will it realky destroy them to have a happy fulfilled mother? No if won't. You deserve better. You deserve to be what you want.

WireCat Fri 21-Jun-13 09:02:12

Oh my god.

Please call women's aid.

You need to leave him.

Your children will grow up thinking what he does to you is normal. It isn't.

Good luck x

maidmarian2012 Fri 21-Jun-13 10:45:53

Are you alright OP? thanks

Wellwobbly Fri 21-Jun-13 11:03:32

are you married?

keep talking to us.

you are not alone.

AgathaF Fri 21-Jun-13 11:07:25

Your situation is just so horrible.

You know that you need to leave, don't you? You need to go and you need to take the children with you. He is a very sinister man. He has done so much damage to you and he will do that same damage to your children. Already your little one knows that something is amiss. As the children get older and he can't maintain control over them, he will start to treat them in the same way. Because you are all his possessions, not his family.

Please, please speak to Women's Aid. Get their support and let them help you make an exit plan. For you and your children.

You say that you are on anti-depressants. Does your GP know why you are so low? The real reason - that your husband is abusing you? If they don't know this then please make sure that you tell them ASAP. You need to get this stuff on record so that he can't use your (understandable) depression against you.

What does your oldest son think of the situation? Are you honest with him about how you are being treated? Can he help you at all - even just storing copies of financial documents etc until you can leave?

You don't deserve this. Your children don't deserve it either.

vanilla01 Fri 21-Jun-13 13:23:14

hi all - im still here - thank u for all your concerns - im ok - he is not talking to me - which is great!
the GP doesnt really know why im on antidepressants - i felt embarrassed. but i went to the docs after my post yesterday and asked to be referred to a Councillor. so im just waiting for the referral.
again i havent told my older son becuase i dont want him to worry - but he gets pissed off when i dont bring the kids to see him. i fluff it over as usual trying to keep everyone happy - my mum and dad, my older son, the Tosser, the kids.
abuse sounds a terrible word - this is my daily life as honest as i can be - am i really being abused?

i wake up at 5am every morning when he does in case i have to type something up for him to take to work. ive got into that habbit becuase if i stay in bed and he needs something i get woken up which makes me more nervous. at least if im already awake i can prepare myself.
he rings probably between 5-10 times a day asking me to do various things for the business (ring people, type something up)
i cant really go for coffee mornings/lunch with the mums becuase why should i have it easy when he is working his b@@llocks off! if i do he makes me feel so bad.
i then try and bake during the day inbetween him calling, taking kids to school, picking them up and cleaning (house has to be clean when he gets home).
i then pick kids up, cook dinner - has to be a proper cooked dinner every night, i have to do the washing up after dinner otherwise world war 3 breaks out
bath the kids then i go to bed - but 9/10 he makes me feel bad if i go to bed before he does.
if i have done anything else during the day other than his stuff or for the house ect i get told that i have the life of luxury and the least i could do is help him.

these are what i consider the nice things he does like:
i get everything paid for - everything and dont really ahve to ask for anything - although it does get thrown back at me at some stage in the future.
we go on lovely holidays -again gets thrown back at me
i drive a lovely car - again gets thrown back at me
(im now laughing to myself)

he often confuses me - for example he sent me a text and said if baking makes you happy then go for it. thats like a green light to me. then he finds out i have been baking and throws a complete wobbler! i cant win.

im waffling again - sorry - it does help to write it all down


Pollydon Fri 21-Jun-13 13:57:53

He is an abusive arsewipe, the telling you to go for it then throwing a tantrum is a classic mindfuck.
Do you feel sick, panicky or shake when you hear his key in the door? I was with someone like this in the far distant past. He doesn't have to lay a single finger on you to be an abuser.
When I hear my dh's key in the door now I feel pleased to see him- that's the difference, no walking on eggshells, no shaking.
Get help, get strong, get out flowers

pictish Fri 21-Jun-13 13:59:33

Yes you are really being abused. x

Have a look here and see if it respnates with you. I already know it will.

pictish Fri 21-Jun-13 14:00:16

resonates sorry....

vanilla01 Fri 21-Jun-13 14:11:13

pictish - wow i would say 80% of that is my life x

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